Monday, 20 April 2015

Breathe

That was a week.

And not in a good way.  That was a week and I had to push, drag, and crawl my way through every day and night.

No one has died, I didn't lose my job, but things happened and went on and I did not have an easy reaction to them and was utterly thrown.  So much so that I went to a very very miserable place and just kept going through the motions of day to day business because I was too exhausted to do anything else.

Something shifted somehow late Friday night and I felt a little bit better Saturday morning but then that day left me incredibly weirded out and, well, I'm really hoping this week is better than last week in all ways, because I really don't want to go through another one like that. 

I'm still feeling not quite right and shaken and "off" but one foot forward or some saying like that and, well... yeah.  Deep breaths, because they don't make things worse.

Friday, 17 April 2015

Zzzzzz

Today should not be Friday it should be Saturday because I am too tired for it to be a Friday although I guess it's better that it's a Friday than an earlier in the week day but please can I just sleep for a few days straight?  Hibernate?  Can I be a turtle/bear?  (They both hibernate, right?)

Thursday, 16 April 2015

Longer

I was thinking yesterday that I'm starting to get used to the longer days.  Used to them, and liking them.

It's still strange, for example, on bootcamp nights, when I've been getting ready and driving there in the dark since September to all of a sudden be looking at the clock and realizing it's time to get ready when it's still light out.  A very odd feeling.

But I also am starting to appreciate how the afternoons do feel longer.  So I do feel like I have more of a day.  Or more time after work, I suppose.  And that's nice.

I'm still not sure the time change itself is necessary or helpful as the days were starting to lengthen on their own anyway.

But it is nice to notice the daylight being around for longer.  Hi Daylight.  I like you.  A lot.

Wednesday, 15 April 2015

Things I Have A Hard Time Believing About Myself

(And just want to write them down because maybe that will shake me up somehow to see them written out like that.)

That I am attractive.

That I am anything more than "ok" at photography.

That I am good at art.

That I am worthy of .... things.

That I will get an amazing, wonderful relationship.

That I'm not annoying people.

That I'm not fat and flabby.  (Especially now that my BMI says I am on the low end of overweight)

That I am special in any way.

That I am interesting.

That I am a good writer.

That people don't just say nice things to/about me because it's "what we're supposed to do."

Hmm, I really thought this post would go on forever, but I seem to have run out of things I don't believe about myself.  Not that this list isn't more than long enough.


Shrug.

Inspired by a weird conversation with Jason.

Tuesday, 14 April 2015

Le Shrug

Speaking of cruise ships (Ok, not at all, but what other segueway do you want me to make here?) the nice looking interesting spy in training started yesterday.

And is not single.

Yes, I'm mildly disappointed and kind of wanted to push him off a cliff a little bit (like, maybe a baby cliff... or... a small bump) but... whatever.

Jay is also still talking about his work maybe sending him to town (which I still roll my eyes like, they couldn't have done that when we were trying to get to know each other?) and I think I'll just play it by ear as to how I feel on that day if I go hang with him or not.  Sort of not.  But... the only thing that gives me pause is that he generally doesn't mind having his photo taken and so maybe I could get some practice shots out of it?

That's probably dumb.  I don't know.

But, yeah, anyway. Trainee spy is not my future husband.  (Is technically someone else's future husband already.)

Bummer.

Monday, 13 April 2015

Da Brain

Early yesterday morning, I was asleep (bliss) when I heard knocking.

My brain, asleep, but clearly "awoken" by the noise, immediately interpreted this as the porters (?) from the cruise ship at my cruise ship room door knocking to remind me I was now late for the breakfast sitting I'd booked.

I was so enjoying my sleep that I decided I didn't need breakfast and kept sleeping but the part of me that had been half awakened sort of lay there figuring out how and why I was on a cruise on this giant bed in this giant room and that's when I realized I had no idea where the knocking came from but I was actually just at home on my own bed in my own room.

And if someone had been knocking at my door (I figure not), I wasn't going to be answering them at this hour anyway.

Should probably have put the do not disturb sign on my brain's imagined cabin door but I guess I really wanted to go to the breakfast.  Too bad I slept through it. 

Although that was a pretty delicious sleep!

Friday, 10 April 2015

Much Appreciated

Had an awesome experience at a (I don't even know what to call it...) cafeteria(?) the other day.

For reasons I'm still not entirely sure of, I ended up needing to grab lunch out and was happy to see the option of a gluten free bun with a burger.  I got the combo with fries and was waiting for my order to be filled.

The chef fellow called me over and told me that the fries were coated in flour.  Awesome.  I mean, not awesome, I didn't get to eat my fries, but awesome that he noticed I was getting the gluten free bun and made sure I knew the fries weren't gluten free.  I didn't think to ask and so wouldn't have known.

I so appreciate people who pay attention to details like that and people who know their job so well. 

Thanks for saving me from myself chef guy, you rock, and my entire health thanks you!

Thursday, 9 April 2015

Uh Oh!

You guys, you'll visit me in "you done gone bad jail" right?

Because I think I'm going to have to go there.

See, I bought a replacement carabiner for my keys.  (I slide my work keys onto one and then can attach it to my...whatever... bag, self, pants, spy gear, etc.)  But instead of going into the store, I bought one online (because I had to buy replacement pants from the place anyway as mine ripped.... oh, did I not mention that?  Sitting down and finding the tear in my pants and wondering how long it'd been there?  yeah...anyway)

And the package arrived yesterday and I pulled out the carabiner to look at it and it was slightly different from the one I usually get at the store that always says "not for climbing."

This slightly different carabiner says "only for climbing or mountaineering."

You guys I'm not using it for climbing OR mountaineering!!  I'm going to go to "naughty people" jail!

Unless no one tells.

Which... I probably shouldn't have written this post then, eh?

Sigh.

Wednesday, 8 April 2015

Hmmm

I saw this guy the other day getting onto a super cool, fat tired electric bike.

I stopped and told him it looked awesome and asked him if he'd ever taken it out to Burning Man.

I was really curious how it would ride in the desert (if the motor would hold up, if the thick tires actually helped, if riding low to the ground was dusty, etc) but didn't want to ask him if he'd had it on Playa in case he didn't know what I meant.  Anyway. 

I asked him and he said "No, I get naked and do drugs at home." And I laughed, because yes, that's what so many people think Burning Man is about and why a number of people go and so I told him, yeah, whatever works, right.

But then he said "I've been out to Burning Man.  It's all so corporate now and all the rich people buy up the tickets."  Which kind of bummed me out.  I shrugged and said "meh, I just ignore them." And we went our separate ways, but it was a disappointing thing to hear.

I don't get to say "oh Burning Man has changed so much."  I didn't go "way back when" and so I'm sorry if I missed it when it was "way cooler" or "better" or something.  All I know is I frigging love it.  And I think it's amazing.  And I'm not a "rich person" and I bought up two tickets and the people I'm going with aren't rich people and the people I'm looking forward to seeing again aren't rich people and well... I don't know why it made me sad that he said that actually.

Maybe that's the new hipster version of party people.  "Yeah, I went to Burning Man before it got so popular and went downhill"

Ok.  Good on ya.

I'm going to Burning Man now.  And I'm finding myself and my passions and it's the best frigging holiday/not holiday I've ever taken in my life and I will keep going as long as I can and as long as I want to and even if it really does get some version of ruined?  I'll take what I love about it and the spirit of it and I'll keep living that and having it in my life and I bet I'd even go camp down in that amazing desert by myself some time.

So... I guess to the electric bike dude I'd say, enjoy your naked drug usage at home.  I'm going to the Playa this summer to maybe take an advil if I have to and to be naked when I go to sleep in my tent.  And the rest of the time?  I'm going to have a kick ass time hanging out with ridiculously cool people I would probably never get to meet in any other way.

Woo hooo!

Tuesday, 7 April 2015

So

I'm pretty sure long weekends should go on forever and that I (and everyone else) should not be having to return to work this morning.

I know, I know, some people didn't get a long weekend, but I did and it was long.  And weekendy.  And I don't want it to end.  To put it in other words... I don't want to work, I just want to bang on me drum all day.

You know?

Le sigh.

Puppy dog eyes.

Please?

Friday, 3 April 2015

Groo?

Little bit confused by what day it is... went to bed last night thinking "Yay, it's the weekend!" (because Easter long weekend) and then woke up this morning going Yay, it's Saturday but then realizing that no, it's not, it's Friday!  But now kind of confused by... maybe it could be Thursday but probably not... ok.  Fri...day which makes tomorrow Saturday.

Oh, and I should probably but can't be bothered to let the pest control company know that they apparently sprayed for ants yesterday... and I just saw one little guy strolling around this morning.  So... uh huh.  Anyway.

Time for breakfast.  Happy long weekend guys.

Thursday, 2 April 2015

Icky...Sticky

I think I can honestly say I have no idea what I have or haven't written about here the last while (hi, thanks stress!) so... forgive me if I'm repeating... or assuming you know things you've never heard before.  Ta da.

I told my building management that the little sugar ants are back (they were early this year) and they had pest control come in to spray.  (Or, at least I assume they came in and sprayed...)

They also left some of those mini tent like trap things that are really just glue traps, I assume to see how many of the little guys still are around.

And, of course, the ants are avoiding them.

Like, seriously.  I actually tried to stick the trap right in front of an ant and scoop it in and the ant kind of shrugged and turned around and went the other way. 

Nevermind the fact that I find the idea of the sticky traps to be particularly upsetting (nasty way to go I think... ugh) and not particularly helpful... I called my management again and told them that the treatment didn't seem to have worked as the ants are still around. 

They're coming back today (I think) to do another treatment (which I don't see the point of as I'm pretty sure the ants don't live in my apartment and they should be treating the ... hill?  home?  whatever... place they're all at) and I went to look at one of the traps and?  No ants, but two silverfish (don't like them either) which I'm finding terribly amusingly ironic or something.

Like, hey, let's leave these traps for this one particular pest you have a problem with.

Oh... ok, we didn't catch any of those but we caught a few of this other pest... um.. whoops?

Wednesday, 1 April 2015

April First

Well, I'll just say that things aren't worse.  I took my friend to see someone and I feel like it helped both of us.

You know how sometimes the situation doesn't change but you hear something that just shifts things enough that things are better.

So... I'm holding on to that for now.

Still exhausted and although I'm grateful for extra time off this weekend, I'm also not really in the space to deal with the family stuff that I'm meant to deal with this weekend.

In other news, I do not like pranks nor this first day of April so I will just say thank you for the mental hugs and good thoughts.  And wow, April, eh?

Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Existentially Speaking

One of the difficult things right now (on a sort of a "higher" plane) is trying to find a way to let go.

So much of me feels like if I just take charge and control this situation I can push it into shape... I can make happen what needs to happen or what should happen or what I think is best.  It's this sense that I have to hold on extraordinarily tight and make it all ok.

But then I try to tell myself that I need to just let go and trust that it'll all be ok.  That it's not my job to control it, I just have to let it go and trust.

But the argument comes in that if I let go and do, essentially nothing, it might end up very badly... very upsetting and I do not want to have to deal with that.  It's the fear of the worst possible outcome that causes me to not feel able to just let go.

I'm sure all the great gurus would tell me that control is just an illusion and there's nothing I can/could do to change things but I don't feel that way right now.

If my friend were standing on a train track and the train was barreling towards them and I could push them out of the way... why wouldn't I?  How am I to just stand there and "let go" and maybe watch them get hit by a train?

It seems impossible for me to let go in this situation even though I can feel the stress of it getting to me physically and mentally.

Trying to breathe right now isn't making enough of a change for me... I don't know how to be mindful... or maybe I do but it isn't making the train slow down any.

Monday, 30 March 2015

A Weight

I'm completely overwhelmed by a situation in my life right now.

Someone I care very deeply about is at the end of their rope and I feel like it's somehow within my power to help them... even if it's at my own detriment.

And this isn't even a good or fair argument.

In the conversation we had just over a week ago, this person told me they have a timeline as to when they will take what I see as steps I can not live with them doing.  And I am at a point where I've had to reach out to other people they know (even though I don't) to ask for help because I'd rather lose the friendship than lose the friend.

I find myself wishing we were teenagers and I could go to the school counsellor or someone's parents and tell them and have the weight off my shoulders but somehow I'm the adult here.  I'm supposed to... I don't even know what.

But suffice it to say it's been hard trying to focus.  Work's been a blessing by giving me a few hours a day of distraction, and I've opened up to a couple of friends there about what's going on because I've been barely holding my own sh*t together with this.

I can not spend the next X number of weeks with this on my shoulders but nor can I pretend the conversation didn't happen and my loved one isn't hurting in a way I wish I could erase.

They've told me it's not my problem, not my concern and to not take it on but I'm not capable of that.  So right now I'm trying to find a way to keep myself coping, while trying to find ways to help, while trying to take care of myself, while trying to figure out just what on earth I'm supposed to do here.

I wasn't going to say anything.  To anyone.  Not here, certainly, but I am completely shaken by this and every day is fighting my own panic and fear and tears and hurt.  There's not always a lot of room for thoughts about much else.

But I try.  Distraction is helpful when I can get to it.  And I didn't see a way of getting through the next while, whatever the outcome that may be without saying something, somehow.

So, there's that.  I'm carrying a lot right now.  Feeling helpless and terrified and both needing to talk about it and wanting to ignore it entirely because those moments where I can space out on something else are the moments that are keeping me sane.

Thank you for always holding this space for me, even if I don't always lay it all bare.

PS  Yes I'm going to speak with someone for myself and yes I've called the proper people etc.  And yes, I know you care and are sending love and hugs.  Thank you.  Back at you.
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P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2014 and then some.) Kay? Kay.