Monday, 22 December 2014

Haze

So it's funny.  I was pretty sure I hadn't told you that Jason broke up with me way back in September.

I think I figured I hadn't mentioned it because I kind of didn't want to mention it to anyone.  Sort of half told some people sort of but not really.  Sort of half mumbled about it in some of my "other" writing and, well, I somehow figured I'd just skipped over it entirely here.

But I've also been half talking / not talking about it too and then yesterday I just finally went back and looked at September and, well, yeah, apparently I did tell you.

Go figure.

Jason and I had a really long unplanned talk Saturday night and I have no actual idea what any of it meant.  One of the most upsetting parts of it for me was when he mentioned that his photography assistant kept asking him if we'd split up so he finally told her we had.

This really really upset me.  I yelled a lot, I have no idea what, but there were swear words and middle fingers involved and slamming of doors (although honestly that was really due more to the fact that my bedroom door slams when the window's open and it's windy but I certainly didn't stop it from slamming.)  And then once I'd sort of calmed down I couldn't stop shaking... it was shocking to my system... I felt totally embarrassed.  I'd asked Jason not to tell anyone we'd split.  I didn't want to feel... dumb.  I don't know if I can even explain it.  I just knew that we'd still be hanging out and that I'd be supporting him (whatever that was going to mean) and I didn't want people to think I was dumb hanging out with a guy who'd dumped me so I asked him not to tell.

And so to know that he did... it killed me.

I feel like now she knows I'm dumb and a loser and all these horrible things about being desperate enough to "stay" with a guy who doesn't want to be with me and all these things that I can't even explain.  It just... not good.

Jason had had a couple of drinks (I wasn't drinking, he wanted to relax after a long week) and so he didn't have the capability to talk me through or really understand what I was saying but he asked me, what did I think she thought was going on?  And, now, in the light of day, I don't really know, I guess I just feel like no one looks up to a girl who sticks around waiting for a guy to take her back and I felt like now I was exposed somehow as doing that.

We have a lot of things that sort of half came up in our long talk and I don't know what half of them are, but I don't know how I feel about anything right now because did I really think we were still sort of together?  Yes.  Did he?  I... guess not?  I don't know.  He's always been "we're friends" blah blah blah and I...

I don't know right now.

It was just not a fun night and I don't know when we'll find time to sit down and calmly (soberly?) talk things through a little bit more.

And I certainly don't know if I can ever see his assistant person again.  I don't know you guys.  I really... this has always been a weird one...

Please excuse this post.  I have no idea what I just typed.

Saturday, 20 December 2014

Whoops

Ok, so apparently it's tell you about my dreams week, because I had another doozy...

I'm getting my hair cut after work today (nothing major, just a trim) but I got my hair cut in my dream last night.

And then I walked out with my briefcase into the forest where my car was (uh huh?) and then I ran into someone from work (briefcase work?) and as we were talking I was suddenly able to see my hair and it was this awful, terribly unflattering bowl cut and I was so upset when I realized she'd chopped all my hair off and I couldn't remember telling her to do that and it was no fun at all.

So, not going to get a bowl cut... just a trim.

*shudder*

Friday, 19 December 2014

That Doesn't Even Make Sense

I had another indication that I may be more than a little tightly wound right now... and this one was a weird one.  (Not like the other ones aren't!)

I went to bed last night, nothing unusual there, read my book, again, nothing unusual, and turned out the light.  Same as always.

But then there was this moment when I actually said out loud "I don't know how to do this."  Because suddenly the whole idea of falling asleep felt really really weird.

Like, I felt like I had no idea what I was supposed to do or be wearing/not wearing or what I was supposed to do with my body... or something.

It was the strangest sensation/thought.  I have no idea how to fall asleep.

So... I grabbed my teddy bear, rolled over and wished for the best.

But, dudes, seriously.  That was a weird one.

Thursday, 18 December 2014

Stressed, I Guess

Had another Burning Man dream this week, was it Monday morning?

My parents and I were on a driving road trip in the States and then my Mom had to drive me to Burning Man where I'd catch up with Connor and everyone to camp with them.

Mom was mad as she was driving, not sure what about, but she kept blasting through the ranger stations in the parks we were supposed to stop at (maybe like the one border crossing going into California where they stop you and ask you if you have any fruit or something?) and I kept getting worried they'd chase us. 

And then we got to Burning Man kind of, but had to stop at the mid way station (no such thing) called "Hummingbird" which was totally like a ski lodge border crossing type building.  And I was getting more and more worried because Connor wasn't responding to my texts, nor was anyone else but I didn't want to have to camp by myself.  And then my Dad joined us because he had the second car (huh?) and they mentioned how everyone there seemed "so normal" and I was happy they'd noticed that, and then I ran into an old couple I recognized and gave them a hug even though they didn't seem to remember me from last burn.

Then as I was worrying, I realized I had all the gear and water to camp by myself, just not food or shade and so I figured all in all I'd be ok even if I didn't manage to connect with them and then I woke myself up because I was getting more and more worried in the dream.

So...yeah.  I guess my brain is finding ways to explain some stress or something... but the moral of the story is... don't get separated from your camp mates?

Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Intention

The background of my brain is often working on figuring things out and for a while now.... a couple of years certainly, it's been trying to figure out how I feel about my photography.  And also a bit about my art.

I got most of the way through a 365 art thing this year and did an ink drawing a day in October and parts of November, and I'm doing an ink drawing a day again for December.  And I'm trying to figure out what kind of photography I ... most want to pursue... or fall naturally towards or how to improve it or where I want to go with it or do with it and what does it all mean anyway sort of general unease.

The ink drawings I'm doing right now (sixteen or so days in) have been a single line drawing.  No real reason, I just started playing with the idea of not lifting the pen off the paper and the result was cool and I figured why not go with it for the month.

And then Saturday night I added some watercolour to the drawing I'd done and while it didn't quite work the way I'd envisioned, it was a cool experiment and a good starting point and it didn't bother me too much because I hadn't been that invested in the result anyway.

Which, I realized with a bit of a mental thud, is very different from how I'm approaching my photography right now.

With my photos?  I want them to be good.  At least good, I'd be happier if they were amazing or great but I want them to be good... and I get disheartened when I don't feel they are.

Whereas with the art I've done this last fifteen or so days, I haven't cared if it's good, I've just been playing around and trying to keep up with the challenge of doing some drawing every day.

It feels different, and it's not making me unhappy, so I'm trying to figure out if/how I can apply that to my photography.

Part of it is that I feel it's much easier to play around and experiment with pen and paper or other media than I feel it is with a digital camera.  I mean... what am I supposed to "experiement" with?  Making things blurry?  Dark?  Light?  Angles?  Doing weird editing?  I don't know...

Maybe I should make myself a very odd assignment for the rest of the month... like... a photo a day that's edited to look purposely fake.  Remembering that by "editing" I don't mean photoshop (I don't own photoshop or know how to use it) I just mean, make it too dark or purple or.... sideways or something, I don't even know what I mean... and maybe if I just get used to posting photos (that's part of the art thing, I'm sharing them, although not sure anyone's actually looking) that I "know" aren't good it might help?  Somehow?

But there's the part of me that remembers the conversations I've had with Jason about how as a professional photographer, he's very selective about what he puts out there, only his best work goes out. 

I'm not a pro.  I don't even know if I can call myself anything other than someone who likes to take photos for fun (it makes me cringe when Jason suggests I'm a "hobbyist") so do I care if I put out things that aren't "my best"?  Should I?

I don't know...

There's just something for me to look at and figure out about the difference between feeling stuck in my photography right now and feeling free in my art.

I'd like to find a way to take that free feeling into my photography.

Even if that only makes sense to me.

Tuesday, 16 December 2014

Tuesday

"Tuesday" sounds weird when you say it a few times.  Tyuusday.... Tchyousday...Chooseday...

Anyway...

Random weekend roundup: 

I had another Burning Man but not Burning Man dream that involved forests and the ocean, so really it was probably just a lot of fun people camping but my dream said it was Burning Man and my campmates and I (who ended up being co-workers and bosses, go figure) decided to go into the water to keep warm from the rain and my flip cell phone's alarm kept going off.  Yeah.  Ok.

There was some beautiful Sunshine Sunday.  That was super nice.

I bought a steak that was on sale and so extra giant huge and had lotsa steak this weekend.  With baby potatoes.  Nom, nom, nom.

I've also come to really enjoy "holiday" peanut M&Ms for their boost of chocolate and hey, let's even pretend they're healthy.  Ha.  But why bother calling them holiday when really red and green are, let's just be honest, associated with Christmas?  So who are we trying not to offend?  Not that I mind, I just sometimes try to get in the heads of the marketing people.

One of my nails is right on the edge of breaking badly.  (Heh... tv show about my nails, awesome) and it's the middle nail of my right hand so it's getting used a lot because I keep forgetting it's in rough shape.

I... didn't actually mail Christmas cards this year.  I've wanted to stop for the last few years but I think I might feel badly if I get many cards.  So far only one so I'm not too bothered but... we shall see.  It's... odd not to participate in that little ritual.

I had a Christmas related sobbing breakdown cry this weekend.  I'm hopeful that that's the only one I have to deal with this year but I'm not holding my breath.

I messaged a guy on the dating site because he had photos of him at Burning Man and then I noticed that he lives in the States so I'm kind of mad at myself for that.  Did I get my hopes up that he'd be my future best boyfriend?  Maybe.  Did I really want to start dating someone new?  No.  Am I still hoping things will work out eventually, somehow with Jason and I?  Yes.  Do I randomly find myself missing Jay right now too?  Yes.  Is it perhaps potentially partly the time of year and long dark evenings?  Maybe.

I still think weekends should be longer.  Like why not work two, weekend for five?  Sigh.

Monday, 15 December 2014

Knocking On Wood And Such Sorts Of Things

This time last year I was so so sick.

I'm kind of almost obsessively thinking about it because at work right now (don't talk about work!) people are dropping like flies with a cold that's just brutal.  And so far?  Knock on wood and all other luck producing type things?  I'm ok.

I was really scared of getting that sick again this year... I even debated back and forth about getting or not getting the flu shot because I got it last year and got so sick anyway... but... flu shot was had, and I've been trying my best to rest and get good sleeps and wash my hands and I don't know, I really don't want to get sick.

We all have some days off coming soon what with you know what being not too many actual days away and I'm somehow hoping that that'll be an end to the sick-spreading that's going on but I also feel like I'm past my "uh oh" days from last year so that somehow magically means I'm going to be ok?

I don't know... I just really don't want to get sick like I did a year ago.  I feel like it took my lungs half a year to recover from that.

C-Dawg's got whatever it is and so we haven't been to boot camp in a few weeks, which is maybe ok as it gives me time to make sure my leg injuries are well rested, but hopefully it won't be too brutal when we go back in the New Year.

So here's to being (so far) healthier than last year and the days very soon starting to get longer again.

Saturday, 13 December 2014

Saturday

All I can think of right now is that Elton John song where he sings Saturday.... Saturday etc. a whole bunch of times.

He sings some other stuff too, but it's only that part that's stuck in my head.

I apologize if it's now stuck in your head too.

Friday, 12 December 2014

Vacated

Sooooooo my brain didn't break, it just got kind of tired of having to keep up with everything and vacated the area.

I know this because I ran out of something last week, but I forgot to write it on my shopping list at the time but this week, when I was making the list I remembered that I needed it.

Except... as hard as I tried, I could not remember what it was called.  It was a type of oil... that I use for cooking... and it's kind of special....

So I wrote down the best thing I could think of and knew once I got to the store I'd remember.

This is what my brain gave me:

"Virgin oil"

Yeah.  That stuff.  You know?

Sigh.

Thursday, 11 December 2014

Uh...Ooops!

My radiators have been making a really annoying noise since they did something to our water system about a month ago.  (I have no idea what they did, it's an old building... all I know is the water was off for most of a day.)

This noise was keeping me up at night (earplugs be damned) and I finally caved and told the manager what was going on.

Anyway, long(ish) story short, they (being the heating guys) were finally able to come in to take a look (listen) yesterday.

At work at lunch, I got a call on my cell.  It was my manager, needing me to talk to the heating guy about the noise as she didn't know what it sounded like or whatnot.

I got on the phone with the fellow and started to describe the noise and how it was in all three radiators, but most notable in my bedroom.

"Which bedroom of the two?"  he asked.

Seeing as I live in a one bedroom apartment I was a little confused.

"I don't really think of it as a two bedroom... just the one bedroom and the living room?"

He went on to ask if I was the corner suite?  Yes.  Above the boiler room?  Not... really.  Big window? 

"Yes.  The big window by the blue couch."

"The floral couch?"

"Um..."

"Here, hang on, I'll pass you back to your manager."

Turns out, they'd accidentally gone to the right apartment in the wrong building!  Whoops!

I think all three of us were pretty confused for a while.  They were probably wondering if I was making up some random noise that they couldn't hear and I was wondering how my place had suddenly gained an extra bedroom... did my couch really look that much like a bed?

Anyway, knock on wood they seem to have stopped things from making noise and all is well.

The end. (Hopefully!)

Wednesday, 10 December 2014

Judgy McJudgerson

I am a judgmental person.

I am.  I'd be lying if I said otherwise.  I see things or hear things or come across things and I have thoughts about it.  Negative thoughts.  "I'm better than they" thoughts.

But... I try not to do anything about it. 

Or, at the very least, I'm aware of it.

For example... I "un-hid" my online dating profile last week.  I don't really know why.  I don't want to date, but I'm not sure me wishing things with Jason would get "better" is particularly healthy either so....  But yeah, I "un-hid" my profile and got pretty discouraged by the whole thing.

And then (getting back to the main point of this already rambling post) I got a message that just said "Into couples? :)" and the profile led to that of a couple looking for "just fun."

And I judged.

Got into this self-righteous angry talk in my head about how that was just... ugh... why would they assume I wanted to sleep with them and I don't know, I just felt negatively towards them.

When really... no, it's not something I'm interested in, but I suppose if it works for them and it's all done safely and openly (no one's feelings get hurt, etc.) and they and the other person involved are totally ok with it it's fine.  Just not for me.

It probably doesn't make me a better person in any way that I don't think I'm interested in what they're talking about.

Maybe judgement is all about self esteem (I probably read that somewhere or something.)  Like, I mentally try to build myself up by saying Oh, they're bad/wrong.... I would NEVER do such a thing or I know better etc. etc.

I don't know.  I just was going to ignore the message, just delete it, but then I thought I should message back and just say no, but then I got on this thought that there are people out there who would say yes and I don't know how I feel about that.  But then again, that's like saying the fact that I get spam email about growing my pee-pee, or meeting hot sexy girls in my area must mean that those spam ads work?

Blah... I'm probably now just judging myself for judging others and that's not much cooler.

So, yeah.  I don't expect I'm going to start having sex with a married couple, I don't think that's my thing.

Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Ok, Brain!

So I had this dream the other night/morning.  You know, one of those dreams that seems to go on all night but in reality is probably only happening for a few minutes or so?

Yeah.  So I was putting on a dance performance in my school.  (It was probably my elementary school because I used to do that kind of thing, except back then I'd perform on the stage with the lights and in this dream I was performing down on the gym floor if that makes sense, and no, I have no idea where the audience was going to sit.. you don't have to figure out those kinds of details in dreams!)

The one dance I had to perform was where I was Miss Piggy doing the dance that showed Kermit how much I adored him.  (Go figure)  And so I practiced the dance at the dress rehearsal (in my pink Miss Piggy dress outfit) and then realized I had to make a shoe decision.  Because I really wanted to show Kermit how much "I" liked him so he'd understand so I was trying to decide between tap shoes (they'd make a lot of noise) and pointe shoes (because they're pretty and hard to dance in) and so I had to try the dance again with both shoes and then I woke up and I still don't know what kind of shoes I should have worn but I'm thinking the tap ones suit Miss Piggy better?  Even though it wasn't a tap number?

Yeah... these are the things my brain thinks about apparently.

Monday, 8 December 2014

Rest

There's a special kind of tired I'm dealing with these days.  It's not a physical thing exactly.  It seems to start in my head and work its way down from there... more of a mental exhaustion than anything.

I went to bed at 9 Friday.  Slept right through til 9 Saturday.  Had a delicious moment first thing Saturday morning curling back under the covers knowing I didn't have to get up.

I have a lot of stress right now I guess.  Work, finances, Jason, life... and I'm tired.  Probably Winter blues, short days, fighting off everyone's colds and flu tired too.  Saturday night saw me heading to bed at nine as well.

Wishing I could just cry it all out, all the stress... bawled my eyes out at a tv show or two last week.  It helped, emotionally speaking, even if I did wake up with puffy eyes.

Saw the lighted truck parade this weekend too, made me think of Burning Man and all the lit up art cars.  Just a few more weeks until the days start getting longer again, that's a good thing to think about.

Frustrated with myself for a few reasons... that's a hard one.  But, anyway, it's another new day, new week, let's hope it's a good one.

Saturday, 6 December 2014

Through The Woods

Through the Woods


I'm walking through the woods with my heart
trying to step in the same spots he steps
so our impact
will be gentler
on the leaves
and the plants
and the things that live and breathe there

I'm walking through the world with my heart
trying to step in the same spots they step
so my impact will be gentler
on the people
and the lives
and the hearts
that live and breathe

I'm walking through this life with my heart
holding it so tight I can't breathe
because when I loosen that grip
let
someone
someone
in
it gets hurt
and it bleeds
bleeds and stings
and I run and thrash and hide away from the impact made
not gentle at all
on my life
treading carefully
treading gently
I'm walking through the woods
with my heart





Often with my writing, a phrase or thought or even an entire post will just start to write itself in my head.  Like, I can hear my voice speaking the words/story/poem/post and I will usually be able to remember it long enough to get it down on paper.  (Sometimes I lose it, but that's a whole other story.)

Often, with my poetry, I just get an opening or sometimes a first stanza.  Jason and I were out for a photo walk a couple of weekends ago and were in these beautiful woods.  He was walking off the path and I was carefully trying to step where he did so as to disturb as little as possible.  And that's when the first few lines came to me.

I went home and wrote them down and then just let the rest happen.  I had NO idea where it was going and still only kind of know what part of my brain wrote it.

It's an interesting process when it happens this way, that's for sure.

Friday, 5 December 2014

Totems

Back in the Summer, Jason and I were floating on a lake somewhere talking about the idea of totem animals.

I'd always thought I was a deer because of an experience I had twenty or so years ago, but when I told Jason this he said no way.  He saw me very much as a bear and when I looked up the symbolism of a bear as a totem animal, I was willing to listen to what he had to say.

A couple of weeks ago, we were talking about our totem animals again and that night I had this sweet, Disney-esque cartoon dream of a bear and a wolf who were the best of friends and protected each other when they were hurt/sick/hibernating (yay, naps!) and it was really sweet.

I told Jason about it and then I got really quiet.  Because all of a sudden I realized it meant we would never be more than friends.

I tried to explain this to him, through tears that a bear and a wolf (his totem) could never mate and so we would never actually be a long term couple.

Jason paused and told me that they did mate, they had to keep their bloodlines fresh, and I gaped at him.  A BEAR AND A WOLF CAN NOT MATE ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

At which point he looked at me...

"you know they're metaphorical, right?"

*sniff*.... oh

I don't know, I just saw it as this massively un-ignorable sign that Jason and I aren't meant to be together and instead it's just .... well, not that.

I don't know, this post is a bit of a babble because I'm touching on something personal and something a lot of people think is redonkculous but I just... it was important when it happened.  Both the sweet dream and the sad realization.

Maybe Jason and I aren't meant to be together.  I don't know.  Maybe we are.  I don't know.  But it'll be one of those things time will tell. 

And I don't really have any idea what I'm talking about right now.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2014 and then some.) Kay? Kay.