Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Thankful

I also had a very touching moment on my birthday that meant a great deal to me.

I was leaving work when I stopped at a crosswalk to let someone pass.

It was a young man zooming along, strapped into his wheelchair headed off somewhere but it had a strong impact on me.

I might not have everything I want in my life but I am so very very lucky.  Looking at this man I realized I am so incredibly healthy, really I am.  And I have such a rich life.  I have a good job, I have a place I live, a vehicle, I have an income that allows me to be safe and warm and fed.  I have great friends, a loving family.  I am really blessed and lucky and so thankful.

I think that was a wonderful way to go into these next years / part of my life.  I have so much.

So much.

Monday, 26 January 2015

Happy

I had a very very happy birthday indeed.  I was made a cake at work, and brought flowers and sang to.  I visited my parents on my way home (and the sparklers my Mom lit set off the smoke detector which was terribly amusing!) and then C-Dawg and I went out for the evening.

The next night more friends took me out for dinner and there was champagne and presents and we watched silly youtube videos at their place until it was time to go home.

I would say I feel spoiled, but that word doesn't have a good connotation to it... my friends and family were so kind to me and so generous and it was a really great, happy birthday.

Very special.  A great start to this next year of my life!

Saturday, 24 January 2015

Argh

Sometimes I feel like I should be in charge of the world.

Or at least the small part of it I live in/interact with.

Or maybe it's just that I feel like if everyone would just do what I think is right it would all be a whole lot better already because ARGH!

*Takes deep breath, puts self in time out*

Friday, 23 January 2015

The Cutest Request

I was visiting my friend this weekend and she has two young boys; two and four.  They were rambunctious boys before dinner and delightfully entertaining during dinner, and then they had their baths and put on their pjs for bed.

My friend is a wonderful Mother and had them both come and give me a hug goodnight (I'm not a stranger to the boys, but don't see them all that often) which I very much appreciate and adore.  She then went to put them both down while I kept myself company in the living room.

She came in a few minutes later and said that the two year old had requested that I go in to cuddle with him.

Can you hear my heart melting from here?

So I went in, snuggled down next to him and, well it was very sweet and genuine.  I had to remind myself to not fall asleep, because I probably would have if I hadn't kept telling myself not to.

Thursday, 22 January 2015

Bath.... Continued

Soooooooooooo we had a chat about baths the other day, yes?  Well, I've got something random to add to the mix.

A friend had me over for dinner this weekend and she told me to bring my swimsuit so we could sit in the hot tub after.

We did, and sat and chatted and caught up until she said she was getting too warm and I realized we'd been probably close to forty five minutes.

So... why did I not get too hot in the giant hot tub bath guy?

Was it because I was outside in cool, fresh air?  I'm sure the company and chatting was part of the reason, but even after, I didn't feel overly heated whereas I took a bath last night and was roasting within minutes.

Maybe I should have a bath with my bathroom door open and see if the fresh air evens things out...

Or, you know, something like that.

The bath mystery continues... duh duh duuuuuuuuuuh!

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

Spam Diddily Spam Spam

So it's been a while since I've had a spam email about watches, but I did get one about CANADIAN MEDS the other day and that made me realize I haven't updated you on my spam lately.

To be honest, it's been pretty much straightforward "hot chicks want to meet you" and variations of that.

So... somewhere out there, some spam bot is convinced I'm a man.  (Or, I suppose a lady loving lady, but the occasional reference to man parts makes me doubt that)

That being said, if anyone wants a hot bride from (insert far away country of choice) I seem to have the hookup email in my spam folder, so just let me know.  They really really really want to meet a guy like me.

Maybe it's the watches?

Tuesday, 20 January 2015

The Guy Non Guy

So.... I guess I'd kind of hoped the "I called a new guy last weekend" guy would turn into a thing.  He called me a few days after I called him but I haven't heard from him since.  I sent him a hello email the other day and he got back to me but I guess ... I don't know.. I wanted to realize he was the new love of my life and kind of get going with that?

I know I said I would just let it happen or not happen the way it was going to but man if only it were that easy, right?

Maybe he'll turn out to be the love of my life, maybe not.... maybe he's the next guy I date... maybe not.  Maybe I just get ok with being single... maybe the next great relationship is right around the corner.

But... yeah... if wishes were horses.... and all that jazz.

Monday, 19 January 2015

A Little Ouchy Right Now

Yesterday was a year to the day that Jason and I first messaged and then talked. 

My birthday is very soon (for anyone else with a January birthday, I totally bought an extra advent calendar and have been chocolate-counting-down all month, try it, it's fun!) and I've always just avoided talking about my birthday here, but this one's causing me some ouch.

It's one of those "multiple of five" birthdays and people seem to have expectations of me "doing something" for it and that makes me feel like I'm missing out or somethings and it's become this big comparison thing the last week or two of me comparing myself to what I think I'm "supposed" to do for my birthday and trying to reconcile that with where I am in my life and, no, there is no t.v. show husband to throw me the surprise birthday party with 50-60 of our best friends in the back of his bar that he's closed down for the night.  I don't have that.

My brother too, when I said I didn't really know what I was doing for my birthday said that answer was unacceptable, I had to party! 

It made me cry.

He backed down that weekend and said whatever I wanted to do was perfect, he just wanted to make sure I was happy and I know that people mean well but it's hard.

Jason's got a photography show in town and another exhibit halfway across the world and even if he wasn't wrapped up in prep for that a) he can't afford to treat me on my birthday and b) we're not together anyway.

So I feel like I'm trying to stay happy and relaxed while fighting off the imaginary voices that are telling me I'm SO not where I SHOULD be and EVERYONE else is because I know those voices are just making stuff up but I'm also feeling lonely and... single I guess and the Christmas-birthday-Valentine's day stretch is hard when you're single.  Even though the days are getting longer and therefore brighter.

I had acupuncture this weekend to try to settle my body so I can start sleeping well again and there was an amusing moment when my credit card wasn't going through and we were both confused as to why and then she realized she had accidentally typed in seven million five hundred thousand rather than the usual seventy five dollars.

Can you imagine having a credit card that would have allowed that to go through?  Yeah, just put the seven mill on my card, no biggie!

Anyway... I'm hoping by this time next week I will be feeling.... better.

Except apparently at boot camp you have to do "birthday burpees" and so this week's boot camp might make me die.

If so, it was cool knowing you....

love, Victoria...killed by burpees.

Saturday, 17 January 2015

I Have No Idea... It Just Wrote Itself.

now tell me of the girl who fell
through cracks in worlds
and straight through hell
into a place she did not know
where moons were round and full and low
and life was simple
short and sweet
and men were kind
and children neat
and no one spoke of hate at all
and none were made to feel so small
a life perfection, flawless, gold
where none would ail, and none grow old 
but birds did not exist to fly
nor hearts to break
or tears to cry
and only happy
only love
and never rain
from skies above
without some pain
without some sorrow
she found life bland
and spent tomorrow
wishing she could fall back home
through cracks in worlds
and straight through hell
back to the world she once did roam
where she'd known love
and pain
and sorrow
and birds could fly
and sing and borrow
life from life
and always moving
never dull
and always proving
hope again
the human way
and loving life
from day to day
despite it all
without perfection
to choose a life of her direction
so tell me of the girl who fell
through cracks in worlds and straight through hell
and tell me how she wanted back
to colour all the rainbows black so she could see them
shine again
and find the gold
at rainbow's end

Friday, 16 January 2015

A Challenge

The other week Jason and I were talking about my photography and how I felt about it and he suggested I ask for critique from some professionals.  He'd mentioned it a while ago but I had a little baby freakout about the fact that if someone told me all the things that were wrong with my photos I'd probably burst into tears and run away and hide never to be seen again.

But about a month ago, I came to a point where I realized unless I had constructive guidance, I was probably just going to stay at the point I'm at now.  And although there's nothing wrong with the point I'm at now, I consciously want to be further ahead.  So... critique.

There are forums and sites and places online where you can ask for people who know about these things to look at your work and give it critique.

We talked about the fact that critique is based on actual artistic guidelines and not just "Ugh, I don't like your photo, it's dumb and you're a poopy head."  Because, well, sometimes the internet can be that way.

So even though I thought I was going to be ripped to shreds, I put up one of my photos for critique.

It was fine. 

As I told Jason, I hadn't purposely planned out the shot, so I didn't feel like I had a whole lot I would be overly sensitive about and the people were fair and kind in their suggestions.  It was a really good experience.

I mean, it felt overwhelming too... all these new things I could/should be thinking about when taking a photo when I'm used to just seeing something, pointing and clicking... it's... overwhelming.

And I took it a little personally when I found that my photo had only received a "score" of 49%.  That... kind of hurt my feelings.  That half of the people didn't like it.

But, as Jason very kindly pointed out... that's better than getting 30% or 10% and that on a site of this level (his words, not mine) it's a great thing for a newer photographer.  So... I took a pause... and am seeing it for the positive.

And then... a few days later, even though it quite literally made me feel faint (I thought I might have to put my head between my legs) I submitted the same photo to the site's weekly contest.

It was terrifying.

But once I'd done it it was done and... well, yeah.

I finished 447th by the way.  Which makes me smile, because I have no idea how many entries there were.  448?  1000?  500?  No idea.  But... if nothing else, I got some people saying they liked the photo, some people adding it as a favourite, and, maybe most importantly?  I put myself and my work out there in a way that was very very scary to do.

*pats self on back, with paper bag nearby in case I need to do some breathing into it to stop from fainting*

Thursday, 15 January 2015

Just Trying To Not Think

I talked to a new guy this weekend.

Saw his profile on the dating site when I was scrolling through a while ago, and he said he wasn't much of a typer and gave me his phone number.

I told him I'm really shy of calling people I don't know but this weekend I figured I should try to push myself through that fear and so I dialed and called.

He has an unusual job that has him travelling pretty much all the time all over the country, so my mind already wants me to know it's not a person I could have a relationship with plus I... well, one million other things, really, but we had a nice talk for a couple of hours and he said he'd give me a call so...

Yeah.

Shrug.  I'm just going to try to breathe and let whatever's meant to be be... or not be.. or... whatever, I don't know.

I still have my profile hidden on the site and am not really sure I want to date or "move on" from Jason or anything really.  Sometimes I even think I'd be happy if Jay came into town so I could have a long cuddle nap, but I think that's my brain remembering things that aren't real or true anymore.

But, yeah, I spoke on the phone to a guy I don't know.  Shrug.  Good for me being brave?

Wednesday, 14 January 2015

A Sick Kind Of Ouch

I didn't accidentally break Jason's leg but it was close.

He came over for a bit on Saturday to escape his fighting roommates, and as he was taking off his shoes I went into my kitchen, stepping around the dishwasher door I'd left open and down.

I'd kept it open when I went to pick him up to remind me to start the dishwasher when I went out next and when we got back to my place I stepped around it and thought "I should really lift that up because he might not see it and trip over it" but the rest of my brain over-ruled that thought and said "nah, he'll see it, it's hard to miss."

Except if you're looking at a text that just came in on your phone and so therefore not looking down at all and not expecting a dishwasher door to be right there at shin level and you guys?  I felt so bad.

He smacked right into it full speed and collapsed on the kitchen floor.  I could tell it was that kind of pain that makes you feel sick to your stomach and I was kicking myself for not having closed the damn door.

He wasn't mad at me, said he should have been looking, and I appreciate that, but I feel like I knew better and should have just put the door up.

I gave him ice and put some arnica on for him but he had a nice little goose egg. 

I kind of don't want to think about how much that must have hurt.

Tuesday, 13 January 2015

It's Just Working For Me Right Now

"Obsessed" is not the right word, but I keep listening to songs from, or occasionally both albums of The Wall.

I feel like The Wall has been a part of my life for a long time even if I didn't exactly know it.  I remember singing along to "Another Brick in The Wall" on the radio and getting "in trouble" from my parents.  I don't exactly know why or what they said but I think they didn't appreciate that the song put down teachers or education or something and so I remember something like being told we didn't like that song or something.

Or maybe not, children's memories not always being 100% accurate, but I do remember hearing it on the radio that sat behind the couch in the family room.

Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of The Moon" is one of the first CDs I owned (even if by "owning" it, I mean taking it from my brother's room and never quite giving it back..like...ever) and I suppose I've always connected with their music, even before I knew it had semi-cult status.

I'm sure I heard random songs from The Wall before I heard/watched The Wall in its entirety, after all, haven't we all sung "Comfortably Numb" at a house party or at the beach with a single guitar in front of a bonfire?

So I'll find myself singing a phrase from a song and realize it's from The Wall and I'll go and give that song a listen (or a watch) and I'll often realize there are many of the songs (most?) from the albums I can sing word for word.

I've started to have an urge to analyze The Wall from all sorts of perspectives to find all the ways it means something to me.  Or to find what I think they meant by it and how I interpreted that meaning and, well, anyway... the point is, I've been listening to the Wall a lot lately.  It's pretty damn magnificent.

Monday, 12 January 2015

Argh

So I'm having a grumpy grump and usually I try not to blog when I'm sort of rage angry....ok, that's not entirely true, I sometimes do blog when I'm raging because it helps me calm down somewhat, but here's the thing, I'm super frustrated with my photos at the moment.

And I don't just mean the general moment of this particular time of growth in my life, I mean right this very second of sitting here typing this on this keyboard.

Like, the photo here.  I want to smash it with a hammer.

Although... since it's currently on my computer screen that would do nothing but damage my computer it's really more of a feeling than an actual thing I'm going to do.  Plus, I mean, if I had printed it out, hitting a piece of paper with a hammer wouldn't really result in much but you get what I'm saying.

I took this last year according to flickr's dating stamp and I called it "not quite" because I remember at the time I'd wanted the photo to look a certain cool way and hadn't quite managed that.  It wasn't as symmetrical as I'd wanted it to be... is what I'm thinking.

But now I look at it and I want to, you know, the hammer smashing thing.  Because not only is it not symmetrical, it's not even straight!  It's frigging crooked and there's really no contrast in the black and white of the image and I want to go back and delete allllll the old photos I've taken that I no longer things are any good but then I tell myself that wouldn't be being honest in terms of how far I've come but man... I at least want to go and "fix" a bunch of them or something.

I even tried to go back into my old photos and find this one so I could re-edit it but it's not there and, well, that's probably for the best...  But yeah.... not having a happy moment photo wise.

Here's what I'm trying to tell myself right now (when really, all I want to do is stamp my feet and have a tantrum and yell and smash things with hammers [apparently]) is that I know I've improved.  Even just doing the however many (three? four?) years of 365 projects I saw improvements.  And then more this year working with different gear and Aperture and looking at my work differently but blah.....

Anyway... just venting.  It'll pass...no need to call the hammer police or anything.

Saturday, 10 January 2015

Awwww!

I totally forgot to tell you!

When I went to buy libations for New Years, the young fellow at the little liquor store asked me for ID!

I think I told him he made my day or perhaps I giddily jumped up and down because he said that he can usually tell the person's old enough by their reaction to that question.

I'm going to ignore the little voice in my head that wants me to believe he was just looking for tips and I'm going to tell myself that I looked young enough that he felt it was better to check my I.D.

Yay, I don't look 100!

I should have time off work more often... apparently it makes me look gooooood.
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P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2014 and then some.) Kay? Kay.