As I said, I keep cycling through different emotions and feelings about Max and his choice to end things.
When I read about it or sit to think or talk about it I'm generally hurt and sad, but when it's a little less close, one of the things I'll feel is angry, or mad.
And it's a funny one (when I'm not in it, when I'm in it, it's not funny at all) because I don't really know where I think I'm going with it. I just get angry that he's done this and I get filled with this "well, I'll show him!" kind of feeling.
Show him, what, exactly, I'm not sure but I'll show him.
I had a vision of showing up at his camp next year and somehow proving to EVERYONE there that he's a big liar because he's not as nice as he says he is because if he was actually nice he'd not have told me whatever it is he told me and see? You guys shouldn't like him because he'll break your heart too.
Well.... except, I mean... he didn't break my heart exactly, because I still actually love him and so it's not really easy to be mad at him and ok, so he didn't break my heart he just really really disappointed me and so you guys shouldn't let him smile at you and give you a hug because he might not actually mean it. Yeah. That! I'll go... make them not like him.
Because then... uh.... because then he'll feel bad for hurting me... yeah... that.
Ok, so when I'm not RIGHT IN the anger, it actually makes no sense and when I'm right in the anger it's not something I want to write down and post online to be there forever but I do go through times of feeling angry.
Angry that he seems to be letting past hurts get in the way of what we had and could have had and wanted to have.
Angry that he didn't try harder and angry if I feel that he gave up because I never give up. So, angry that he's not me?
Angry that he's doesn't want to make this work when it was so good.
Angry at all the things he said and the plans he made that he has now taken away.
Angry that he got mad at me for getting upset and asking for support and consideration and yet he got upset and ended things. How is that fair.
Angry that it's not fair.
Angry that this seems to have little to do with me and yet I still feel like if I'd been more perfect, or less... whatever, things would be how they were.
Angry that I now have to deal with Christmas and not getting away and the financial blowback from that. Angry that that whole wonderful trip that was planned out and talked about and looked forward to got taken away for reasons I still don't really understand.
Angry that he kept saying he wanted to be supportive of me in whatever way he could and then... wasn't.
Angry that I now feel like I have to question what he said.
Angry that this is distracting me from what's going on in my life and the things I need to deal with right now.
Angry when I see him being happy and normal on social media (the curse of modern sanity and mental health) when I feel like he should be as miserable as he claimed to be when he broke things off. (Even though I don't air my upset on social media either... other than this space, not on FB or the like....who said anger had to be rational?)
Angry that I bought a new suitcase for a trip I'm not going on anymore. I really wanted to go on that trip. Not to go, but for us to go together. It hurts to think of why he wanted to do this trip; all the reasons and that whatever has come up for him around this relationship has taken all that away.
Angry that I cared and that seems to have been taken for granted. Or something. Rejected I guess, when I know it's good and true.
I know and understand that anger is a secondary emotion. That this is actually about the hurt... the sadness. I know this.
My anger towards Max is fairly short lived, and I'm wiser than to act on it (or at least have been so far... and don't expect that to change) but it's there, and it's not enjoyable and it doesn't make me feel any better except for a brief, fleeting moment.