So many thoughts I want to share and stories to tell but I feel like my thoughts are all a bottle and I'm pushing down on the cork from the outside because I don't know what will happen if I let them all out, if I say what is.
I felt both safe and unsafe with Jay. I'd have to go back through my posts and journals to find out what ways I felt safe with him (physically? emotionally? mentally? not all of these I'm guessing.)
And right now I feel both safe and unsafe with Jason.
Both Jay and Jason have unconventional lives, but in very different ways.
And I've spent the last decade (or so?) making my life very conventional. And it frightens me to think that a wild, loose lifestyle might have me losing all the things that keep me safe.
My job. And by that I mean my income. My health benefits. My known status as a decent person.
With Jay, I felt that mingling our lives wouldn't cost me my job or my general sense of having a safe life at any point. It might cost me in other ways, most notably my self-worth, but my safety net would remain un-touched. I felt like Jay would push me outside of my comfort zone, and he did, but that that pushing wouldn't take me too far from "ok". That I'd still be able to take him home to Mom and Dad some day. Even if that thought was more metaphorical than something I envisioned happening.
With Jason, I don't have the same sense of ok.
Jay and I grew up differently, ran in different circles, but I felt like our differences clicked. Meshed. Fit together like a Venn Diagram or something. I might have been shy with his co-workers, but I didn't feel unsafe around them, or uncomfortable, just that I didn't fit in and I was the stranger in the situation.
And as I'm writing this I'm realizing that I never met any of Jay's friends. I know he had some in town but we never met. I met his co-workers and I know he considers them friends but that's not the same... but anyway...
Jason and I also grew up differently, and we run in very different circles.
Jason tells me stories and I'm not excited by them, I'm frightened by them. The people he tells me about have lives that I don't want to mix with mine.
I don't have people in my circle who deal with the kind of drama you'd see on Sons of Anarchy or some other heavy, hard can't take this home to Mom and Dad kind of show.
My friends don't call me in the middle of the night because their abusive ex is pounding on the door.
My friends have struggles, but they're safe struggles.
My friends aren't involved in things that could potentially mess with my career, my safety, my comfort.
And Jason and I have talked about this a little. I have a hard time putting it into words, to be honest. And here, where I feel like I have to be delicate with words, and respect privacy, I still am not able to put it into the words that I need, but what I did say to Jason the last time we hung out was that I wasn't sure if his brand of crazy worked for me.
It doesn't feel safe to me.
Jason's friends, the ones I've heard about, are heavier, rougher, dirtier than mine. They smoke, they drink, I imagine there are drugs and DUIs and criminal records. Their parties have leather and chains and my mother would die imagining all the other things that go on.
My friends don't party as much as we used to. We all have to deal with work and many of us have to deal with families. Lots of our parties happen during the afternoon so people can get their kids back home in time for dinner, or at least for bed. And even the kid-free parties that involve drinking, maybe even some smoking outside the back door, loud music and then the sober one (this is usually me these days) driving whoever else downtown to keep the night going once the couples head home (the wife usually DDs) to relieve the babysitter.
Even the Burning Man barbecue I went to last summer was a quiet sort of different. The smokers all hid in one corner of the lawn, being thoughtful enough to keep their smoke out of everyone else's way. The outfits might have been less staid than somewhere else but people were friendly. Calm. Mellow.
I know I don't do well with the unknown and maybe if I end up hanging out with Jason's friends I won't feel this way. Maybe the wildness of the stories he tells me, the details he picks up and passes on aren't the whole truth of the story. I don't know. I just know what he tells me and I don't like it. It's not my scene. Not my comfort zone. And I don't think it's a comfort zone I particularly want to try and visit.
Jason and I went for a walk on Saturday and he apologized but he had to take a call from a friend.
His friend had just received a call from the local PD department (he wasn't sure about what) and Jason was chatting to him about it and telling him not to worry but to make sure he had his ducks in a row.
As far as I know, my friends don't have these worries.
The calls I get from my friends are to see if I'll be a reference for their passport. Or if I'll be a reference for them becoming a Girl Guide leader.
It's not that I'm saying one way is better than the other, but I don't see how Jason's lifestyle and friends and mine mesh. I don't see how I feel safe with him, socially speaking.
So that's holding me back, for sure.
As is the smoking.
And the two things combined just leave me feeling like I really don't know that I want to keep letting this person into my life.
We've talked about it, like I've said, here and there and all Jason says is that he understands and that he has no expectations.
If we're only ever just friends, that's ok with him.
But I'm not looking for a friend, so I keep analyzing things from the point of view of seeing him as a potential life partner. And it doesn't feel safe.
I see too many risks and potential things that scare me, make me uncomfortable and that I wouldn't feel proud to talk about.
Things that I couldn't take home to Mom and Dad.
Even though my brother keeps telling me I take far too much home to Mom and Dad.
I don't know why I'm pushing so hard against all of this but I am. I'm resisting so much. It feels huge.
Which begs the question, why am I still talking to this person?