Tuesday, 7 July 2015

The Not Moth Mystery

I don't remember exactly when I first noticed it but at some point I found some small holes in one of my shirts.

I figured it was a moth (because that's what they do? I don't know, mothballs keep them away because they... eat clothes or something) and didn't think much more about it.

Would see another one in another shirt and go huh, you know, I really don't see a lot of moths around, oh well, just a small hole, I'll sew it up.

And then I found a few more.

And more.

And more.

And then I got a new t-shirt type thing and the next day it had a hole.  Always in the same place I notice.

Maybe it's a long necklace I wear that's catching?  Ok, stop wearing the necklace.

Oh, I never wear it with that shirt and that shirt has holes now too.

Can't be my washing machine, it's always in the belly button area. Rarely elsewhere, although I did find one hole in a shoulder.

Don't wear a belt.  What is happening?

Ran my fingers over my buttons, they don't seem sharp... is it the pants .... corner edge?  Is that somehow... I don't even know!

So basically anything that's t-shirt cottony type material has a small hole or two just a bit lower than my belly button area at the mid bottom area.  (Bottom as in bottom of the shirt, not my bottom, ahem.)

I have no idea how or why it's happening so I have no idea how to stop it.

But I wish I knew what was going on because whenever I find a new hole I get annoyed.  And I end up sewing them closed so they don't spread.  Or something.

It's kind of poopy.

Monday, 6 July 2015


The first year I went to Burning Man, there were extensive forest fires in California and at times, the smoke would make its way over the playa and there would be this slightly orange tinge to the light.  It was a very specific colour; one I hadn't seen again until yesterday.

I woke up yesterday morning and my brain went "Burning Man."

Turns out, there are forest fires burning in and around this area and the smoke had become trapped in the low lying areas, including over this fair city.

I texted Connor.  "Doesn't this look like playa light 2013?"  Because it did.  That orange haze.  Subdued light.

On the playa, the sun eventually burned it away.

Yesterday... the sun, even though predicted to be a scorcher, didn't.

I went out to see the pride parade mid morning and it was apocalyptic.


The "light sensing" lights were on because it was as dark as dusk.

But orange.  It was creepy.  I'm sure those who are in town know just what I mean.

And it didn't burn off all day. 

When I turned my lights on in the evening, you could see just how odd the light was.  The contrast between the "normal" inside lights and how my brain knew it should look outside was striking.

I feel for those in the fire areas, it must be terrifying.  I feel lucky to be able to complain about weird light and not be worrying about losing my home.

Stay safe out there my friends.  And be good to one another.

Saturday, 4 July 2015

A Mumbled Confession

I hung out with that guy again.  (Vaguely complex story about him asking Jason for my number and Jason saying it wasn't his info to give out and telling me this and me going "oh" and telling Jason he should have and then anyway, yeah.)

We decided to go for a walk and sit at the beach and yes I had that nervousness that comes when I do something unfamiliar or go to spend time with someone I don't know well and that is amplified when it's a guy and a guy who some part of me has decided there is dating type... potential or something.

So I was all tightly tied up inside myself but trying not to be and we sat at the beach and talked about big things and I'd told Jason we were going to hang out and he said cool... say hi... don't think too much, you're just two cool people going to hang out.  Oh, and don't talk about exes.  No one wants to hear about that.

Right.   I tried.

We talked and somehow got on to the topic of exes and it just got not fun.

I mean, it wasn't bad, I think the conversation just triggered some stuff for him and it just felt unhappy and then I felt bad that it felt this way and didn't know what to do with myself because I wasn't feeling comfortable and I don't know this guy, really, and new people are confusing because you don't know them and you don't know where they're coming from or their moods or energies or anything and I just want easy and calm in my life.

He apologized, insisted on walking me home and we hugged and parted ways.  I felt bad.  Bad because we had gotten into topics of conversation that had made us both feel off.  And bad because I was already uncomfortable with the time with a new person and we weren't even particularly going on a "date" and now I was like what am I supposed to do or think here and why is it so complicated to be human sometimes?

I just want people in my life who are calm, loving, gentle, peaceful.  Jason hasn't had a lot of that lately.  I want a male in my life who has a similar calming affect on me that Jason has at times and that Jay had when we were in the same space.  I suppose I thought that magically hanging out with a cool new person would instantly give me that feeling of calm and got an obvious reminder that it doesn't work that way.

I'm not saying he's a bad guy, just that I don't know him.  We don't know each other.  And on top of that, I don't let new people into my life particularly easily and I'm cautious and overthink and I don't know what "gut" to trust right now with people.... men in particular.

So anyway, I have no idea what I've said in this post.

Except that he texted me the next morning to ask me out for breakfast.  Which I declined because of the whole "not wanting to eat" thing.  And maybe a bit because I didn't want to deal with anything or anyone after my emotional week and the uncomfortable last little bit of conversation with him.

So TL;DR?  Hung out with a guy.  He's imperfect.  *shrug*

Friday, 3 July 2015


I had just sat down to write out this post that came into my head and I put on some music (which I don't normally do but I just discovered Imagine Dragons, so I'm given them a listen) and I got distracted by wanting to do something and so I put my computer aside but then I lost the urge and got distracted by something else and then by the time I came back to typing, I'd forgotten what it was exactly that I'd sat myself down to write about.

It was something along the lines of feeling on the edge of something.

Like if I could just lean a little further, or take a bigger bite or something that I just can't put my finger on the how of it...?  It would be good.  Not simple, necessarily, but a good, positive something I want to be or feel or know or something.

You know?

Just wanting to lean into it enough that the scales will tip into what's just right there.

Thursday, 2 July 2015

A Whine

So we know that my tummy isn't always a happy place, and I maybe sometimes spend too much time when it's upset trying to figure out what it is that's upsetting it with the theory I could avoid it next time.

Well, life since Friday has been a little unsettled, and the weather is also continuing to be warm, and there was a bug going through work a couple of weeks ago.  So I don't know if it's nerves/upset/whatever emotional stuff or if it's the weather or Summer or just what, but I'm not wanting to eat and it's not fun.  I've been eating as best I can but... yeah.

I also suspect it's mainly nerves and things not being calm and expected or however you put it.  Un-grounded?  And maybe a little bit the heat.  But more the worry/unsettled feeling.

Which I think has something to do with work, and something to do with Friday's fellow and something to do with dragging out my Burning Man bin to go through it and just smelling that smell that to me means Burning Man and my brain running through what all that means in terms of the heat and the discomfort and yes how much I love it but also how difficult it is and sometimes I question why I'd put myself through that.... but I think that about travelling in general, really.  I dunno.


Ok. Just wanted to whine about it.  Sometimes a little whine can make things better.


Or not.

I should get groceries though... except no.

Wednesday, 1 July 2015

Kaboooom, Pop, Crack (Firework Noises)

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday Dear Canadaaaaaaaaa
Happy Birthday to you

Happy Canada Day my fellow Canucks.  Have a good day, eh, you hosers?  If you don't, I'll come steamroll ya!

Stay safe.

Tuesday, 30 June 2015


So you know what I think has been really hard to wrap my brain around from Friday?

The pretty clear evidence that a good looking, interesting, seemingly decent guy found me interesting.

Interesting and attractive.

Not because of a witty online profile, or a week's worth of exchanged dating site messages, but because he met me in person... we talked, got along and, well... he liked me.

Or, liked enough of what he met to want to get to know me more.

It's hard for the not so nice voices in my head to make anything bad out of that.

I think I might actually have to accept that I'm attractive and interesting and... well, that's not so easy on the bad voices.

They're not sure what to do with themselves.

It's been a weird few days y'all.

Monday, 29 June 2015


So, apparently I'm back in high school.  Or something.  Because I'm all wigged out and feeling awkward.

I sort of got kissed?

See?  High school.


I had a pretty bad day Friday, and told Jason I was coming over.  It was another hot, sunny Friday and after we talked and I cried (some more) he said he'd make us burgers and I figured I'd eat and then head home and crash and possibly cry some more.  (It was a really hard day.)

I had a small drink and Jason had a large one and then another large one and, well, "drunk Jason" is not my favourite person, but it was right on the edge of that when a friend of his came over.  And then Jason got very drunk (he'd pulled a 20 hour day Thursday and was running on no sleep and really should have been drinking water and not much else) and I didn't feel like I could just abandon him and his friend, who'd come over expecting some kind of BBQ party and ended up with a drunk Jason and a sober me.

But the guy was cool and we had some good conversation about art and what "punk" means and I offered him a ride home once I'd gotten a couple of glasses of water into Jason and sent him to bed.

He told me on the ride home that he'd been a little nervous and that he liked my energy and would like to hang out again and I said, yeah, he seemed cool.  He asked if I wanted dinner and I told him thank you so much for the offer, but I'd had a really bad day and just wanted to get home.

I said we should all hang out again some other time when I was feeling better and Jason was, well, sober, and then we awkward car hugged and he got out.

And then he leaned back in to give me another hug and it sort of morphed into a kiss and even as it was happening I was like no no no no no why is this happening and so I pushed him away but felt so awkward like ugh.... sorry, I still kind of like Jason and I don't think you know that and not that you're wanting to date me but Jason told me you're not long out of a relationship yourself and I wasn't expecting that and I don't really know why I leaned in did I just kind of feel like I didn't want to leave you hanging or something and holy crap I feel 15.  Maybe 16.  But not in a good way - in a "I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO HUMAN RIGHT NOW" kind of way and uh.... "I need to get home. Let's hang out some time."

Ugh.  You guys.

I guess I'm not so good when I'm feeling overwhelmed because I know I want to take care of me but I still somehow feel obliged to take care of other people, like Jason being not good drunk and his friend and, I sort of even forget to use my words because they get all jumbly because I'm thinking and sure, I kind of another day would maybe have had dinner with him and not sure what else or not and maybe it still would have been awkward or had an uncomfortable moment, I don't know the guy, I don't know anything about him, but see, I'm not in high school.  For better or for worse I'm more cautious, and I have more going on in my life.  And being an adult is weird.

It was easier somehow when people lived at home and if they wanted you to come hang out you knew you'd have to deal with parents and so it'd just be all very pc.

Blah.  Gah.  Ugh.



Friday, 26 June 2015


The mosquitoes are bad right now.

And I say that because I'm surprised.  I see mosquitoes as a wet weather thing.... a Fall thing, not a hot, dry, sunny late Spring, early Summer thing.  It's weird.

But I'm seeing them everywhere.  And they love me.

I must smell delicious and the problem with that is I'm very reactive to them.

As in, super bad itch and swelling and days of it.

It got so bad this week that I had to go to medical at work and ask if they had something stronger for the itch (two on my hand and arm that were huge and swollen and itchy) because the cream wasn't working.  They gave me benadryl.

Which I forgot about until I was practically falling asleep at lunch and couldn't figure out why and then my brain (in slow motion) went ... oh... right... I took benadryl.  Guess it wasn't non drowsy.

But, yeah.  I've been chomped alive this week.

It's not so good.

Thursday, 25 June 2015


I am so utterly exhausted.

I've woken up every day this week so far thinking "thank goodness it's Friday."

And it hasn't been.

Still isn't.

I started bawling last night when C-Dawg texted me to tell me she'd bought me a bag of chips as a treat for lunch tomorrow.

Bawling.  Because someone did something nice for me. 

And I'm that tired.  Drained.  Exhausted.


Wednesday, 24 June 2015

Ho Ho Howdy Sunshine!

I feel like right now is the Summer equivalent of the "there's so much going on!" madness that is Christmas and New Years.

This Sunday alone there was Father's Day walks and events, and a "car free" event downtown and Jazz Fest and I'm sure a huge number of other things but I only managed to get myself to one.

Oh, and it was the longest day of the year!

And super hot and sunny.

But, yeah.  I could have wandered downtown and been part of Jazz Fest and the Car Free stuff but I did a 5 K walk in the morning with my Dad and didn't really think through hydrating myself and forgot a hat and so I just wanted to stay indoors and rest and re-hydrate for most of the rest of Sunday!

But, yeah, there's so much going on and it's hard enough to keep up with what all is offered never mind get to it, plus the things that aren't main events but are still happening, yikes!

Tuesday, 23 June 2015

On Books and Covers

There's this certain thing I see that I'm trying to wrap my head around and you'll have to excuse me because I'm not thinking before I type, I'm just typing, and sometimes that can be good and sometimes nothing ends up making any more sense than when it was in my head.

I've spent some time, the last weekend or two, going with Jason to take photographs of some groups/communities of people I wouldn't consider myself a part of.  And that's a whole other story of my nerves and worries but it, combined with gearing up for Burning Man, has me thinking about dress, and how these sort of sub cultures, or whatever you're supposed to call it have their uniforms.  For lack of a better term.

And it's how we call out to each other.  "Hey.  See?  I like the same things you do.  I probably value similar things to you, but for sure, I like what goes along with the people who wear what I'm wearing."  And it's perhaps how we keep ourselves safe.  And keep others away.

And it frustrates me.

It frustrates me because I see a lot of groups who talk about how they're accepting of anyone and everyone and then they're not.

Because if I show up to your event in my plain outfit, I don't look like you.  I don't get a visual scan of approval.  Sure, I can "earn" my way in by being myself, turning out to be a cool/nice/interesting/whatever person, but I'm not "in."

And I know these groups all say that's not how it works, but as an outsider it sure feels like it.

I mean, name yourself a group.  And think about what style or type of dress you'd associate with them.  What outfit?  What gear?  Accessories?  Colours maybe even?

I was explaining to Jason that it happens just the same at Burning Man.  Or at least it feels to me that it does.

If you're interested in the electronic I don't even know the correct term EDM? (electronic dance music, yes?) music you have your styles, your fashions, and sure, I could go see those DJs or performances in my plain white t-shirt and plain jeans, but I'm somehow "not getting it."

Or the peace loving, yoga doing, love and accept everyone type of folk have their gear.  Their style.  Their way of indicating to each other here... here I am, and I'm one of you.  We can be comfortable with each other.

Which is frustrating.  Because I just want to be seen for who I am, not how I've chosen to dress myself.  Because, at Burning Man, for example, I don't have the "earth child" gear, or the "mad max" gear (which, oh man, I bet there'll be an extra ton of it this year) and let's be honest, I don't even really have the "wear whatever you want to represent who you are inside" because I feel like I have to look a certain way and I don't know what that way is and I don't know how to find those items and I don't know if they'd suit me and I don't know how they'd feel in August in the desert in Nevada.

But it's the same here.  Jason took me to an event this weekend where he knew everyone.  It was a music show and he talked about how these folks were all very open and accepting and you just had to be cool and you'd be accepted and I said before we went that that's not how it works.  Humans don't work that way.  Sub groupings of humans don't work that way and we talked the other night and he said, yeah, I was watching and maybe we're not as accepting of anyone/everyone as I thought.

No, you're not, because if you were, you wouldn't take so much care in how you present yourselves.  You wouldn't feel the need to look a certain way to "represent."

I'm sure there are sociological studies around this.  I'm sure I'm not the first person to notice/experience it.  And I'm sure that sometimes the exclusion is accidental.  After all, you are a group of people getting together to share and celebrate something you all love, and the advertising of that love most often shows up in the way we decorate ourselves by dress, hair, makeup, etc.

But man it upsets me.  Because I want to go get drunk with those Mad Max hardcore flame throwing dusty guys.  And I want to have sweet, loving, humans are awesome hugs with the hippy yoga earth loving people.  And I see their eyes pass over me because I don't look the way "they" do.

Which, I suppose begs the question, how do *I* look?

And not to fit in with anyone, but to feel how I feel inside me, do I have to wear particular things to show my allegiance?  To show that I'd be more into staring at the stars than going to an electronic music dance party?  Is it necessary to visually shout out to people at Burning Man who I align with?

It may be.  Sort of.

But what about the rest of the time.

Did I think about what I would wear when Jason took me to shoot these events?  You bet your bottom dollar I did.  But I didn't try to imitate or fit in.  I tried to be neutral, with perhaps a slight hint.

When I'm here, I just want to be comfortable and look good.  When I'm in Black Rock City?  I want to feel like I'm me, and that I look good, and some other complicated things that I don't really know how to explain or even quite yet understand.

But yeah.  The whole "don't judge a book by its cover"?

Can we just admit that we fully do?

Monday, 22 June 2015


I was driving home from a Father's Day thing with my Dad yesterday when I realized I had forgotten it was Monday today.

Like, I was driving along thinking, hmm, when I'm back at work on Monday blah blah blah and in a couple of days or so when I'm back at work, and then I went.... wait... hang on.  It's Sunday.

Which means tomorrow is Monday.  It's not some magical extra long weekend and it's not holiday time and, well, boo.

Boo, I say.

Somehow I thought I had a lot more time to do nothing much.

Saturday, 20 June 2015


I guess it really is almost for reals now Summer, eh?

Would that we could keep these long, sunny days all year round.

I'd even consider trading some grey rainy days if the length of them was how the days are now.

So, happy Summer to most of us and happy Fall to the rest.

So far so good over here.


Friday, 19 June 2015

Le Sigh

This last week, I've been semi frustrated with myself, which makes me even more frustrated, which doesn't even make sense but yeah.

What's happened is that I get home, do whatever, and then around 6ish I'm exhausted.  Like, "let's go to bed now" kind of exhausted.

But... I tell myself that it's far too early and I'll never sleep that long anyway and so I make myself eat and then I find something to do or usually a show to watch and then all this week before I know it?  It's nearly midnight.

Which means I'm waking up tired and wishing I could just stay asleep.

I'm confused as to why I seem to keep doing this and as to why my body seems to want to go to bed around dinner time.

Maybe that's part of it?  Maybe I should try eating earlier?

Anyway.... wishing I could figure out what it is my brain is thinking this week.
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P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2014 and then some.) Kay? Kay.