Wednesday, 16 April 2014

Oh Yeah!



Ok, I'm still on brain break (and this should be made clear by the fact that I once again can't figure out how to put a picture into a post the way I want even though I did it two days ago, well I kind of did it two days ago but even then I wasn't happy and I really just haven't figured this out yet man oh man) but I just found a text I sent myself this weekend from the beach to remember to tell you so here you go yay but argh because now I just spent another ten minutes trying to figure out the photo because I don't want it over there on the left and why I can't do anything about it but I'm so sleepy (I'm writing this late at night) the photo debacle is making me feel like I'm not in a happy enough mind set to tell you the cute story so bah. 

Stupid flickr, ruining my mojo!

(Well, maybe stupid brain for not being able to figure it out... or both)

So, un "oh, yeah!" because well I shouldn't bother putting this post up but I feel like I've typed (babble-typed) enough already into it that it would make me sad to just delete it so here you go here's a post for you.  Feel free to just completely ignore it.

I'm hoping I'll have a bit more brain power back for tomorrow.

(Don't hold your breath though!)

I'm gonna go meditate.  And then sleep.  I feel like I should dream about chocolate.

What's that about?


Tuesday, 15 April 2014

Geez

Just had a little bit of a week last week and Jason and I had a ... big, maybe not awesome realization this weekend and my brain just needs a tiny bit of a break before I can sit and write all about it.

So... brain break.

How's your Tuesday going?

Monday, 14 April 2014

Smooches and Hugs and Snuggles and Kisses!

My baby's back!

My shiny, pretty, had a broken hard drive but now it doesn't and it was repaired for free because I got the extended warranty even though I thought it was silly to get who's laughing now past me, huh? and it took a week and that was SUCH a painfully slow computer week because I had no idea how much faster this baby is than my old baby but oh it's back sigh.

Translation:  My computer has been fixed after a week and is now back in my possession and I'm very happy and relieved about that, happy Monday.

P.S.  I may have actually petted said computer in the store and referred to it as "my baby" and then mumbled something about how some people have pets and I have my computer.  Ahem.

Saturday, 12 April 2014

True

Vince still totters around the outskirts of my life.  Offers to come over to hang out every once in a while and I say no, not tonight.

He'll send me a text every once in a while that's a little too flirty for my liking and I'll usually just ignore it and not respond.

Sometimes when this happens he'll get upset and grumpy and last time I didn't respond to a text he got back to me with "that was supposed to be a joke?!"

And I said that I knew it was but that I just didn't know what to say back.  (He'd made a comment about how I must just hate talking to him, and that sort of passive-aggressive fishing just annoys me so I didn't respond.)

Vince, bless his heart got back to me with a text that made me laugh, but also smile and nod, because I guess he does know me maybe better than I know myself sometimes.

He said "you're never at a loss for words... You just refrain from voicing them.  Sometimes."

Yeah.  I guess that's true enough.

Friday, 11 April 2014

Kaplow

It's probably really good that nothing actually happens, like, literally, when I feel like my brain has exploded in some way.

Because if it actually did explode when it feels like it has?  There would be a lot of messy brain exploding messes to clean up.

One of the things that Jason has really challenged and changed me is with regards to photography.

Now, that's an entirely different post and one I haven't quite figured out how to explain but there was this moment that points out how he'll say something and my brain will explode.  A.K.A. my entire world view will shift or change in some significant way.

I've always just thought everyone thinks like me.  That everyone sees and knows and understands things the way I do.  I've always kind of felt that if I get it or see it it must be so ridiculously simple or obvious everyone must get it.

According to Jason, no.




A couple of weeks ago we were driving to my place and it was near sunset and there was this beautiful glow just hitting the tops of the pale pink cherry tree blossoms down the street.  It was beautiful.

I made some weird laser like noises that I then had to explain were not laser gun noises but rather the sound of my mind-camera, which got us into this ridiculously awesome "fight" about yes that was laser gun noise, NO IT WASN'T.  Do you want me to roll down the window and ask that guy what noise lasers make?  No!  No... ok... fine.  Maybe it was a laser camera.

And as I was smiling away at my weird noises Jason quietly turned to me and asked if I knew not everyone saw the light like that.

I think my first response was "yeah right."

But no.  He said it again.  Not everyone sees that.

I don't know if he means not everyone notices?  Or not everyone sees it, like, actually?  Or not everyone sees it "artistically", beautifully, as an image.

I don't know quite what he means by that because I do see it.  Or I assume I see it.  Or I assume I see whatever it is he thinks I'm seeing, I don't know, I'm not a philosopher. I just know that I saw how pretty the late afternoon sunlight looked glowing through the pink blossoms of the cherry trees and I figure if I see it, everyone must.

But something in the way Jason said it made me wonder if maybe the way I see is different.

If maybe my thoughts are unique.

I know there are disciplines of study that ask this very question.  I know I've always wondered if what I see and know as "green" is the same colour you call "red" but I don't know, you guys.  I just figured I'm particularly average and normal.

Not sure what to do if it turns out that thought is wrong.

Thursday, 10 April 2014

Love

I think we've established that I love to love.

(And man, if you don't think I still miss that connection Jay and I had, you're wrong. I do.)

But feeling it and saying it are two different things sometimes.

I established with both Jay and Jason early on that it was important to me to love the person I was with before we got...er... "overly intimate?"

With Jay and I that was no problem because we fell for each other before we'd even met so I knew I loved him the first time we shared a bed.

With Jason, things have been far more traditional.

I remember a weekend maybe a month or so ago when Jason had had a bit to drink and I'd gone to pick him up from the pub.  We were hanging out at my place when he said something along the lines of "Well I'm already falling in love with you (slight pause)  Damn, I probably shouldn't have said that."

I pretended I didn't notice he'd just said he was falling in love with me but of course I did.

There was some other day when he told me that he already absolutely loved me as a friend.  And I probably blushed at the time or something but I appreciated hearing that.

It was hard for me to respond though.

It got to a point where I was frustrated because I was feeling it but kept balking at saying it.

I love Jason as someone in my life, as a friend if you will, and as I said to him in a bumbling email "love is love is love and you said you loved me as a friend and I agree."

*palm to forehead*

Um, hello?  Why not just tell him?

Dunno.

But it sort of became this battle in my head.  Tell him.  No.  If I tell him it makes it all too real and I don't know if I can handle that.  Oh baloney.  It's just love.  Love is awesome!  Tell him.  You know you feel it.  TELL HIM!  No.  I... no.

But I did.

Last week.

Took me forever. 

"So.. um... do you... um... remember the uh... email I sent you a while ago?"

Him:  "Um... you've sent a lot?"

I remember having a big, near the end, discussion with Jay were I said that I knew he loved me but was he in love with me?

And he said no.  He wasn't.

I love Jason.

Jason loves me.

We love each other as people.

Are we in love with each other?

I don't know if I can give you an answer to that just yet.

But it's not a "no."

Wednesday, 9 April 2014

Jason. Jay...son?

Jason keeps messing with my mind.

Ok, well that's not a nice way to put it...

Jason keeps challenging my current world view and internal dialogues.

Yeah.  This is one of those people who come in and adjust the direction of your life-flow path.

Like you were this little stream of water going along in one direction and then someone comes along and sticks a rock or twig or digs their foot through the sand and things start to flow in this new direction that you would maybe not have gotten to yourself.

Jason keeps telling me it's all me, the change, the growth, the whatever.  I tell him at the very least he's the catalyst.

It makes me nervous that I wouldn't be able to do this without him.  Or that it wouldn't be happening for another decade without him.  Or that it would be going slower without him.  Because then I worry that if I lose him I'll lose the path of wherever it is I'm going now.

It's hard to talk about with people.  "Are you still seeing that guy?  How's it going?"

Yes.  I am.  And it's really really positive.  But challenging.  Like, we started to watch this movie the other night, and we'd already had a night filled with talking and ideas and thoughts and debate and so we started watching this movie and I knew I could just kind of half listen but I really wanted to GET it so I listened and asked to pause so something could sink in and then after maybe half an hour I asked if we could stop watching.  "It's too much," I said.  "I can't actually take any more in and have it make any sense."

Everything about being with Jason feels like that.

Where I might want to go with my life.  Who I am as a person, fundamentally.  My photography.  Writing.  How I approach being me.  Our relationship and what it means.  Or is.

It's a lot.  A lot of shifting and figuring out and changing and growing and I know he's been taking it slow with me, taking it easy, and I turned to him at one point this weekend and said "who ARE you?"

I wish he and Jay could meet.  Who knows, maybe they will.  But I feel like they're similar but opposite.  It's the weirdest thing.  They have a lot in common but in very different ways.  If that makes sense?

They're both passionate.  Angry about the state of the world.  (Although I'm not sure either of them would agree with my use of the word "angry" exactly.)  Change-makers.  Not mainstream.  Dare-devil-thrill-seekers.  They both have lots of friends in their lives.  And former girlfriends as friends.  They've both been arrested.  Been dirt poor.  Come from broken homes.  Feel like they made it out because of their friends.  Are strong.  Smart.  Renaissance men.  Computer techs.  Goofy.  Not afraid to be silly.  Call themselves geeks.  Like sex.  (There's a rumour that some men don't but I don't believe it!) Have children.  Ex-wives.  They both have crazy stories.  Might both be on government watch lists for all I know.  Are creative in some way.

There are times when I see them as different sides of the same coin but they're such different people in fundamental ways it's not fair to say they're the same coin at all.

I guess I just find it interesting when I see what I attracted into my life.  What I was drawn to maybe?

Maybe Jay was my warm-up for Jason, my way of easing me into having someone in my life who wasn't a nine-to-fiver.  Who knows?

Tuesday, 8 April 2014

Bah!

Ok, so this post is supposed to have a photo to go with it but between flickr's new stupid sharing lameness and the slowness of the functioning of this computer I gave up after about half an hour of trying.

So no photo for you!

Sigh.

I was going to write something else but the whole photo debacle got me all grumpy and that's no fun so I'm just going to post this as is and well, hey, I know, this will de-grump me!  Why don't you tell me what photo you imagine I was going to put up with this post!

Anyone who gets it right will win an imaginary puppy.


Monday, 7 April 2014

Blank

Soooooooo my computer got sick.

Well, I mean, I have no idea what happened to her, just that late last week stuff started going really weird and then the next morning nothing worked and I kind of went "uh oh."

I took it over to Jason's Thursday evening and he did something smart-computer-guy related and things worked and I did another backup (Time Machine) and figured I'd take it in to get looked at anyway but then Friday morning things weren't working again so I took it in after work on Friday.

On a side note, I know it wasn't intentional but I felt a little talked down to at the computer place and that was frustrating because I don't know enough to stand up for myself so when the guy said he thought it was a full hard drive I was like, well, I'm pretty sure it's not, but he said it seemed like it and I felt like a stupid woman who should just smile and nod and go put on an apron. (On a side, side note, I told Jason this and he said that yeah that unfortunately happens sometimes and that no, his computery report stuff said it was not a full hard drive. So HA! Take that condescending-man!)


Anyway, I hung on to my old MacBook so I'm not completely without internet but man this darling is slow. Which is a totally whiny thing to say and I'm grateful to have a computer at all but I do miss my new girl.

I was apparently quite smart and bought the extended warranty coverage so am hoping that it will cover whatever's wrong and that it won't take them too too long to get it fixed and back to me. (Please?)

This computer also has to be plugged in constantly as the battery no longer holds a charge. In fact, the computer doesn't see it as existing. So I feel bad for the amount of energy I'm pulling out of the wall right now.

I also sort of forgot how many things I use a computer for at home and so some things are sort of only half or partially done.

I'm also missing the ability to stream a video or buy one from iTunes to watch quick and easy.

Again... first world problem, I know. But if my posting is light this week or anything, you know why.

My main girl's sick, and this computer is elderly and I'm just trying to do what I can with what I have.

Cross your fingers for us, eh?

Saturday, 5 April 2014

It's My Couch's Fault ?

It's possibly one of the stupidest cycles to get into but I feel like it happens a whole lot.

Or maybe it just happens and feels like a whole lot.  Anyway.

I noticed a few weeks (?) ago that I was stuck in this cycle.  And that it didn't feel like the first time I'd been caught in it.

I was exhausted.  So tired I didn't feel like I had the energy to exercise or work out.  So exhausted I didn't feel like I wanted to take the extra time to meditate or doing mindfulness.  Just wanted to sit and do nothing.

But then here's the thing.  If I do it, if I exercise, work out, meditate, do mindfulness exercises I feel better.  I feel less exhausted.  Less stressed.  Better.

But it's so hard to get motivated to do them.  And so easy to forget in that moment that I will most likely feel a lot less ugh after.

It's so hard to move from the relaxed, comfortable position I'm in on my couch to go do something I know won't be fun or easy.

But I'm always glad that I did once it's done.

Sigh.

Friday, 4 April 2014

Gone Bye Bye

I've been writing a lot.

Not here.  This is different.  This writing just happens, just comes and I have to write it down. 

I'm not sharing it here, but I do share it I guess.  I send it to Jason, and he reads it and tells me it's great and I should do something with it and maybe I will, I don't know, but not here.

Anyway.  I tell you this because I lost a poem the other day.

I've been really inspired and things will just pop into my head and NEED to be written right then and there and so I was half awake a few mornings ago and a poem started writing itself in my head.

But I was sleepy.  And so comfortable.  And I didn't want to wake up enough to write it down so I just said it over in my head a few times, trusting that in the near future when I was awake I'd remember it and get it on paper.

Aaaaaand it was gone.

I have no idea what it was about or any of the words or even the thought.

So, yeah.  I lost a poem.  If you find it, send it my way?

Thanks.

Thursday, 3 April 2014

Upside Down

(Oooh, did I find another way to put photos into my post?  Maybe I did?)

Physically, I am the harshest critic of myself by far.

I hate to admit it to myself, but I could probably criticize you physically pretty harshly as well.  Sorry about that.  I mean, not that I would, but I probably see it.

But the weird thing is, with other people, if I do see it, it matters less and less.  And then I stop seeing it.  Whereas for me?  I just keep seeing flaws and imperfections.

And it's frustrating.

It's frustrating because it doesn't really help anything.  It's not like I go ugh, that is icky and then go out and do whatever it takes to get rid of it, I just go ugh, that is icky, I try to fix it a little and then just sink into "oh well, I'm hideous and awful looking anyway."  Which.  No.

No.

Jason has this saintly (I think) quality of both being extremely positive about my physical appearance and firm patience with my self-criticism.

He says things that I find initially obnoxious.

"I'm really picky about the women I let into my bed.  And you're in my bed.  Think about that."  And I find it the most obnoxious thing because who is he to make this statement about how he only sleeps with hot chicks.  THAT'S SO RUDE!  WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?  DOES HE THINK HE'S SO HOT AND SO SPECIAL THAT HE ONLY GETS GOOD LOOKING CHICKS WHAT A JERK!!!

But then my brain goes... um... Victoria?

Either he's a total b-ser... or he finds you attractive.

And seeing as he works in fashion photography and is around models a .... lot... he might not be... wrong?

But then I get into this OMG I CAN'T BE VAIN AND CALL MYSELF ATTRACTIVE mode and my brain explodes and I either glare at him, laugh, or raise my eyebrows in a suspicious sort of way.

Or sometimes even a glare, eyebrow combo.  Which he just laughs at.

But yeah.  Jason's insistence that I'm an attractive woman is really messing with my self image.

But, like, in a positive way.

Which is REALLY messing with my everything.

Because if this guy's right, and I am not all the things I constantly tell myself I am (that I won't list here, but they start with wrinkles and end with cellulite) or if I have those things and they don't matter as much as I thought they did?

Well, then what?

What if I become confident?  That can be really unattractive.

Y'all, I just don't know.  It's really hard to have your fundamental self-beliefs challenged.  Even if it's in a completely positive way.

Wednesday, 2 April 2014

Truth

I'm turning comments off for this one, not because I don't trust you to be supportive and kind, just because it's feeling pretty sensitive for me right now and I don't want to have feedback, as strange as that might sound.

I've talked about it enough with friends and loved ones and sure, maybe if it's that close of an emotion I should just keep it to myself but I want to share, just don't want to hear more thoughts on it.  I have enough of my own.  I hope that makes sense.  You can send virtual hugs though.  Those I'll feel and take and accept.

I went through a binge watching of Call the Midwife a couple of weeks ago.  I think I watched the whole third (?) season in a week.

Call the Midwife, for those who aren't familiar is a British tv show based on a memoir of a nurse-midwife in London in the 1950s.

I originally became interested in the show because my Mom was a nurse-midwife in Scotland around the same time and so we talked about how the uniforms were the same and the lifestyle and going to dances and dating handsome men and things.  A sweet, innocent time really.

But something happened as I watched all these episodes.  I got sad.

Sad with the realization that I'll never experience childbirth.

I won't.

Please don't be kind and tell me there's still time or there's a way or some other well meaning thing, just know that this isn't something that's going to happen in my life for a number of reasons.

It's not that I want to necessarily be a parent, that thought it too much, not in my realm, but I won't ever get to do this thing that's so very basic and fundamentally feminine.  I won't get to carry a child and birth that child and when I'm lying on my death bed (happy and healthy many many years from now please) I will regret not having had that experience.

I will.

There are lots of other things I may not get to do, or may choose not to do, I'm ok not trying bungee jumping.  I'm ok not eating live grubs, but watching this show, watching these women push and struggle and sweat their way into falling in love with the new life that emerged?  I felt sad that I won't ever have that.

I won't ever know what it's like to hold and love my own flesh and blood.

I don't mean nieces or nephews or the friend's children who call me "Auntie" I mean my own DNA.  When I die there will be no one else.






As one of my closest girlfriends and I talked about, that's no reason to have a child.  Just so I don't regret *not* having a child but I'm still sad about it.

It bums me out that I'll probably never be an astronaut.  I'll probably never win a gold medal for the 100m sprint (oh good god I'll never win that medal) but to never have a child?  That makes me sad.

But the alternative... have one and give it away?  I couldn't do that.

Have one and pay a nanny to raise it?  Well, that just seems it would lead to a messed up kid and years of therapy, no?

I'm not saying I'm craving having a baby, not by any stretch of the imagination.  My biological clock was never properly installed.  I'm just having a moment, a time of really feeling the loss of this experience.

I suppose there will be other losses like this throughout my life.  The losses age will bring.  Physical achievements that I one day will be less and less likely to achieve.

Prima Ballerina?

Not going to happen, I'm afraid.

And I'll maybe cry about that one on my death bed too.

Tuesday, 1 April 2014

Test



Ok, so flickr changed things and I effing hate change and I really wanted to swear there because I really really hate change and the whole point of me getting a flickr account in the first place was to place photos in my blog posts because I found blogs without photos boring to read and I wanted people to have something to look at too and so I told myself I'd put a photo in every second blog post just so it would have some visual appeal and I don't know if anyone even notices that but I do and so now one of the stupid changes stupid yahoo-bought-flickr made was to take away the service that let me easily put a photo into a post.

So now there's this.

And I don't know what this looks like but it's all I can figure out to do so far so this is a (ranty) test of the stupid new way that flickr forces me to put photos into my blog and I don't know if I dislike it or hate it.  It's not an ad for you you dumbasses, it's my photo and you're just the storage facility and no I don't want people to have the option to look at another photo of mine.  If I'd wanted another photo of mine, I'd have chosen it!

Swearword this swearword.

But anyway.  I'll figure it out I guess.  What I'm going to do, or not do, or whatever.

I know there are other ways to put photos into a post.

I'll see.

Just frustrated and even more frustrated that many of us gave feedback that was ignored.

Not impressed or happy.

BAH!


(Bah.  Just realized I'm posting this on April Fool's.  Only wish it was a joke.)

Monday, 31 March 2014

It's Not A Bad Thing

Jay.  Oh Jay.

I keep going through phases where I miss him.  Physically miss him.  Miss being curled up together, arms and legs and bodies intertwined in a dozy post-sex glow on my bed.

Miss how well we clicked.  Got along.  How easy and happy and fun it was to hang out.  Touch.  Be.

Miss "us" terribly.

And then he goes and blows up my dreamscape.

Sigh.

The latest was an out of the blue text (he'd eaten a Creme egg and thought of me)  (mmmm, Creme eggs) that evolved into him whining about how the people he's met who are polyamorous are "just looking for f*&k buddies" and how he's finding this disheartening.  Part of me wants to throw my hands up in the air and roll my eyes at him and yell "WHAT DO YOU EXPECT!" but I try to only do those kinds of things in my head and I try to understand that it must be hard for him to want this thing and not be able to find people who want to share it the same way he does.

But dude.  You can't even have one solid relationship with one person and you want many?  Really?  Are you kidding?  And you're surprised that some people are using it as a way to experience guilt free sex?  Commitment free sex?  Do you have any idea of the irony?  And plus, communism is a GREAT idea on paper.  Hasn't worked so well in practice.  Polyamory?  Um... yeah.

But as I try to say in all things, as long as no one's getting hurt....

Aaaaaanyway, that's the lesser of the two rants Jay handed me recently.

The other was far more mind boggling and really did a good job at eliminating a whole ton of dreamy feelings and memories I was having towards and about Jay.

He texted out of the blue a month or so ago and I hadn't heard from him in months.

He blah blah blahed about how I was doing and how he was doing (he's still in a lot of pain) and then he went on to tell me that when he was away spending time with his family he realized that my "rocky" relationship with mine was TERRIBLY difficult for him and he didn't realize it at the time but that was the major issue for him in our relationship and he's sorry he never mentioned it at the time and that I had to "suffer through" that and he hopes I'm able to find someone who's better able to handle my poor family relationships.

Um.

WTF?

Now look, I know my relationship with my family is not perfect.  Find me someone's who is.

And if you're my close friend or my significant other I will probably complain to you, in confidence, about what annoyed me at Christmas or what so and so said that drove me up the wall and you'll have to see and deal with my stress at whatever family dynamics are happening.  But dude.  My relationship with my family is good.

Decent.  Fine.  Imperfect, but nothing like some of the stories I've heard.

No one's hitting anyone.  We all speak to each other and can all be in the same room.  We all get along.  Annoy each other, sure, but seriously, that's part of human nature.  Do I overreact to things my family says or does?  Absolutely.  Do I get wrapped up in the drama of the minutia of what I think should happen and how I wish they were?  Sure.

But this is no "rocky" relationship, my naive friend.

If I'm the first person you've been with who's had a less than perfect relationship with their family then count yourself incredibly lucky.  May you never meet people who have actual rocky relationships.  May you never hold a friend who's father abused her in ways that will make you throw up.  May you never have to hold back your tears as you hear about the lady who was locked in the chicken coop as a child for 48 hours for some minor infraction.  May you never have a friend who has to deal with an alcoholic parent or a brutal divorce.  My relationship with my family is blessed.  I count myself very lucky.

On top of the anger I felt (and confusion) at his statement all I can ask is why he felt the need to tell me this?

Why contact me and tell me this?

Why did I need to know?

Have I contacted him and told him all the things that were so hard on me back when we were together?  No.

Why did he need to?

What was he thinking?

I don't know.

I just know that although I miss being with Jay and hanging out with Jay and cuddling with Jay very much, I can not put up with Jay's random explosions of self-centeredness and as much as I often think maybe we could be friends and what might that look like, I'd need him to never actually share deep thoughts with me.  Because I get so infuriated when he explains his life and how right he is.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2014 and then some.) Kay? Kay.