Friday, 1 August 2014

I'm Sure He's Not The Only One

Do you ever have that experience of listening to a song and something about hearing it right then and there and that one particular lyric trips something in your mind and all of a sudden you just *know* something?

Well, that happened to me last night.

I got home from work and went for a ride down to the beach.  It was sunny and a beautiful evening and as I came home "Dead Sea" by The Lumineers came on.

I'm not sure I'd ever listened to the lyrics particularly before last night, but as I did I realized something.

I may not know what Jason's intentions towards me are, but I know what his intentions for me are.

He wants the best for me.  And knowing that as much as I realized I know that last night is a reassuring thing and it feels solid and good to have that in someone in my life.  A male in my life.

He may not be a lot of things, but he, at the end of it all, wants what's best for me and that matters.

Thursday, 31 July 2014


You guys this weekend had some really brutal moments in it, and I think I figured it would and tried to be mentally prepared for it but I really didn't know how exhausted I'd be by it all.

Jason is a royal pain in the ass to travel with.  Or at least he was this time.  And if we ever talk about travelling together again I will be talking to him about this for sure.  Or I'll just not travel with him again.  Or I'll just stick earplugs in while ignoring his cursing because he did not pack the night before and can not find the things he wanted/needed even though I suggested he pack the night before and had done so myself.

I saw a sign once in someone's office that said "Lack of planning or organization on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." And I'm generally pretty good at trying to remember that but when the person you're travelling with works differently than you do in terms of planning and organization and front-loading the things that need to be done it's hard.  Especially when it's your first time travelling with that person and you also really don't do well with early mornings and your body wants to revolt and, well, anyway, yeah, it just went downhill from there, really.

When I travel, I'm hyper-organized.  Things are laid out a few days before, lists are made, and then more lists the night before so that I don't forget anything I need in my morning "rush"

Because I'm not a morning person I also don't like to rush too much so I have everything ready to go, and my reminder stickie notes out and I get up as late as I can and I'm out the door in five or ten minutes.  Seriously.

So when Jason said we're leaving at 5:30, and I woke up at 5:45 (because he hadn't felt the need to set an alarm and it was his trip so I just let him have it his way...) I wasn't concerned because I knew I'd be ready to leave ASAP.

And that's when Jason started to pack.

Which meant my body revolted and I was dealing with that while he was going ape-shit about things not going the way he needed/wanted them to.

Add to that the stress we sometimes have driving together (we needed to take my vehicle so I was driving) while adding being out of town and travelling and knowing he had to work later that afternoon and I was just so stressed.

Which he picks up on and reacts to badly, which then spins me out worse because I feel unsupported and I get mad and the whole thing was just ugly.

I know it's different to travel with anyone the first time, but Jason's go-to when stressed is a sort of aggressive angry sort of thing and I hate it.  It's awful for me and I don't know yet how to handle it or ignore it or what to do with it so Friday was a pretty bad morning.

I remember mid day Friday telling Jason that I could tell I was going to have a big cry and that when I did he just needed to listen.

I was so done, and when we finally got to our hotel room and had a half hour of down time before he had to work I told him I needed him to come and sit with me while I cried.

I told him I had a bunch of things to say and I didn't even really want him to listen, I just wanted to say them (I knew they were things I meant but didn't mean, like "I want to go home" and "I hate it here and didn't want to come") and he was great and just listened and held my hand as I sobbed and sobbed and let all the tension and stress out from the morning.

Of course I felt better after that and a little power nap but I'm so grateful he was able to be there for me in that way rather than snapping or telling me to pull myself together because I was at my emotional stress limit and needed a release and to just be safe doing that.

Was the rest of the weekend smooth?  No.

Did Jason have more angry/screw up moments?  Yes.

Did I have any screw up moments?  Just the times I somehow managed to piss Jason off by not doing this, that or the other (apparently I walk too slowly/too quickly in crowds)  (sigh)

It was hard because he was in work mode and so I had to fend for myself (I knew this going in, it was part of why I was nervous) and I coped with that and did chat to some folk, but I kept wishing I had a friend there that I could relax with or that Jason wasn't working so we could relax together.

We did get some touristy couple time together for a few hours and that was nice, but I was pretty high key stress wise and we had fights (for lack of a better term) and I didn't hate it but I didn't love it either.

Which was kind of what I expected.

But yeah.  Emotionally spent, is what I've been ever since we made our way home and it's been a very quiet week for me so far by necessity.

I even nearly missed C-Dawg's birthday because I was so spaced out.

Anyway, this has been a bit of a babble.  I feel like I have to vent about this weekend but I don't know who to vent to.  Jason's super busy and I don't want to impose until things settle a bit for him and no one else really understands all the layers and levels of our (weird) relationship so I guess this is my first vent and who knows if there will be more.

Wednesday, 30 July 2014

It's The Thirtieth... Apparently

Jason and I went away this weekend.

I didn't mention it beforehand because I was trying not to freak out too much about it all.  But I felt like there was a lot riding on it.

Jason had been asked to shoot an event out of town.  He'd asked me to come, partly to see the event, and partly to support him (assistant wise) and partly to go with him although since he was working, we didn't expect to have any "couple" time.

I'm still processing all of the weekend, and I can't really wrap my head around it yet, but I'm home and we're both still alive and speaking to each other so it can't have been all that bad, right?


My brain's pretty mush at the moment, so I'm not sure what I'll manage to squeeze out of it this week, if anything.

Hope your week is going well though.

Tuesday, 29 July 2014


I never told you I'm a hero, did I?


So my friend had her car stolen... a smaller car, but with some distinctive bumper stickers on it, and a distinctive colour.

One of our friends thought he saw her car around town later that week, and I could have sworn I did as well, but... it's not like a thief would just drive a stolen car around, right?

Except, apparently they would.

Because I was out for a walk about two weeks after her car was taken and what did I spot parked on a street by the ocean?

My friend's car.

Safe and sound... but... clearly not in her possession!

So, I called her, called the police and she came (in her rented car) and we waited together for the police to arrive, wondering what we'd do if the scary bad guy came and drove her car away.

But, yeah, go figure... my super spy training has clearly paid off.

I found a stolen car!


Monday, 28 July 2014

Pretty Much The Opposite of What I Expected

Something very unexpected has come out of the last couple of weekends with Jason.

I think I've mentioned that Jason is a photographer, and one of the things he does is take photos that I guess you call.. fashion photos?  I don't know, he shoots models, anyway.

I've been sort of intimidated by this because my body is SO not what I think of when I think "model" and so I've been trying hard not to compare myself to the models Jason works with... or that I imagine he works with because I've only ever seen the resulting photos from these shoots.

But the last two weekends, Jason has had a photo shoot booked, and he asked me if I'd like to come along.

I was super excited to be asked, partly because I've always wanted to see a photo shoot, partly because I'm really curious about how it all works, and, well it's always neat to see your significant other at work, and so far I hadn't been able to see Jason at work with another person, just gone on "photo walks" with him.

I was also nervous.  Nervous that I'd get in the way or interrupt his "flow" or whatever. 

But anyway, this is not about the technicalities of the shoots or how I felt about it all, this is about the fact that something unexpectedly positive came out of them.

First of all, I liked both of the girls.  (Women?  Ladies?  Models?)  They were nice and we got along but they also weren't stick thin like I'd imagined them to be.  Yes, they were pretty, but I didn't feel unattractive next to them.  They were both... almost ordinary looking?

One of the girls talked about how she and I had pretty much the same body type (I don't remember why it came up in conversation) and once she said that I looked at her and kind of went "huh."  Because I'm starting to see myself more like how I actually look rather than how I think I look and I looked at her and she's not fat.  At all.  Not six feet tall either, but still.

And her photos look great.  She doesn't look anything other than great in them.

Now, part of that is Jason's good camera work and posing, but still.  This girl was totally confident in her body and when the camera wasn't pointed her way had no problem chilling in her undies, letting herself slouch, belly out and all.

It was amazing for me to see.

The next weekend, when I met the other (very pretty) model, she asked me if I'd shot with Jason too.  Which... brain freeze, did she just assume I'm a model too?


And same thing.  I looked at her body in her outfits and kind of went.. you know what?  She's not stick thin either... her body's not all that different from mine.

Now that's not to say Jason doesn't work with models who are tiny, and that's not to say there are tons of models who would make me feel very large and very short were I to stand next to them (I imagine) but you guys?  It was really freeing to see these models working with Jason and realize that I'm not as unattractive/fat/gross as my "bad voices" have been telling me for as long as I can remember.

So watching Jason do photo shoots with models has actually made me feel a lot better about my body and my looks.

Which is not at all what I would have expected to happen.

Not at all.

Saturday, 26 July 2014

Generational? Or Just...?

Jason has roommates.

Well, technically one, but his girlfriend lives there too although I'm not sure if she's fully moved in or just...anyway, not my business, I'm just nosy!

These roommates have a decade on Jason and I and while I don't particularly notice it (we don't cross paths much) I did wonder the other night if it was an age thing I was seeing, or just a "their relationship" thing.

See, Jason was making dinner for the two of us.  (Or perhaps for all of us, I can't remember...anyway...) and I was sitting in the kitchen, out of his way, keeping him company and asking about his cooking.

I know that's not typical.  Usually it's the girl that cooks, if we're following gender stereotypes and all, but Jason can really cook and likes to so it works very much in my favour!

So while he was cooking our meal, the other couple came home from wherever and I watched as she asked him if he'd like her to make him a drink.  He grunted something in the affirmative and then stood there and watched while she prepared the whole thing, and brought it to him.  He made some sort of joking comment, that I had to bite my tongue over (although I did say something about how it wasn't particularly nice) and I sat there realizing what a dichotomy it was.

Jason and I have no typical gender roles in our relationship... well, he does open the door for me and does polite gentlemanly things but other than his manners... we both just kind of do what we're good at doing and I love that he cooks.

It was very odd to see that in direct contrast to this woman waiting on her man, who just seemed to expect it and not particularly appreciate it.

I always appreciate Jason cooking and I try to help by cleaning up or something, but I do always thank him, and I try to always thank him for the mannerly things he does.

So I don't know if it's just how Jason was raised v/s his roommate, or if it's a generational thing or just how each of them were raised.

I just don't think I've ever seen Jason's roommate cooking, and I don't think it should be something that's gender based.

Anyway... it was interesting, that's for sure.

Friday, 25 July 2014

It Just Made Me Angry

I've put off writing about this because it makes me angry.

But it keeps hovering at the back of my mind as something I have to write about, if only to get it out of my head.  I don't know... but here goes.

I was driving to work the other morning and as I turned onto one of the main streets a black BMW convertible sliced out in front of me.

I had to brake a bit to give him space as he cut across lanes from his parking spot and found myself a little surprised he hadn't been paying more attention.

I watched as the older gentleman then reached around to his windshield, pulled off the parking ticket there and chucked it onto the ground.

I then continued to watch as he did not signal, and did not yield to the pedestrian crossing, with the lights on the crosswalk.

I don't know.  The thing that made me angriest was his littering.

I understand being angry at a parking ticket.  I also can imagine what it's like to not care about parking tickets, or to not care about paying them, but to be so... can I say arrogant?  No, I probably can't but to be so... "not nice" as to chuck the damn thing onto the ground?  That seemed un-necessarily uncool to me.

I mean, crumple it up and chuck it to the floor of your car for pete's sake... don't litter with the thing.

It just seemed so...

"I'm better than everyone else"

And I know that's just my judgement and I have no idea what was going on with him or his day or what internal struggles he's going through right now but the combination of his actions did not sit well with me at all.

And I guess I just feel like I wanted to tell on him somehow.

So there you go.  The white-haired guy in the convertible BMW is a big litterer and doesn't care about parking tickets. Boo to him.  Boo, I say, boo!

Thursday, 24 July 2014


So I got two fillings done yesterday and I'm still hurting in one of the spots.

And that doesn't even mention the fact that I was nearly crying in the sitting room and that I did actually cry when he did one of the needles and that I spent all afternoon being unable to feel my face, both sides, thank you very much and all I wanted to do was eat something crunchy but I couldn't feel enough to eat and even speaking was weird and it hurt and even today my jaw still hurts where one of the needles went in and I do not like.

I seem to remember this happening last time too.  A week's worth of pain where the needle went in.  Probably the same side, if I think about it.

But yeah... maybe this is why I'm not enjoying the dentist anymore.  Pain.  Crying.  More pain.

And they were both just "little" cavities too.

Oh, except for the lasering away of some of my gums to get at the cavities on the one tooth.

*sad panda*

*sad sore jaw panda*

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

I'm Upset

I had to go to the dentist yesterday.

I mean, I guess I never really "have" to, but I've always gone, twice a year for my checkup and cleaning and yesterday was my twice a year visit.

I didn't want to go.  I'm not really sure why, but I didn't.

I've never had a problem with dentists, but I've never loved them either and my last few times haven't been something I've looked forward to.  I actually thought about cancelling this visit and that's the first time I've ever thought of doing that.  I don't know why, I just didn't want to go.

So imagine my complete misery when the dentist came in, said hello, checked my teeth and found two cavities.

I knew there was a reason I didn't want to go.

He said my mouth was "really clean" and I was "doing a really good job" just missing a couple of hard to reach spots and sigh.

I'm so disappointed.

I went to book the appointment and the first slot they could get me in was today.  Effing hurray.  So now I have to go to the dentist again... for fillings.  I am so not happy about that. 

I told C-Dawg I was leaving work at lunch to get fillings and wasn't looking forward to it.  "Do they hurt?" she asked.

Which... I didn't know how to answer because my brain just froze... WHY.... DOESN'T... SHE... KNOW?

C-Dawg has never had a filling, never had a cavity.  Never.

I can't even...

I'm sad and jealous I guess and wishing my teeth worked differently or my mouth acid or whatever it is that means that I'm still getting cavities as an adult and she's never had any even as a child.


I know, I know, first world problem but still. 




Tuesday, 22 July 2014


So perhaps the question one should ask one's self is what would one do if one were to go to the nude beach when one was, shall we say, dealing with one's special lady time of the month...

Well, you see, one might not think about this before going, because one knows that one can swim during these times, but one might then realize that if one is to be fully nude... um... things... uh... well... uh...

So, what one will most likely end up doing is keeping one's swimming trunk bottoms on even though that feels slightly weird considering one has already been fully nude in front of many of these folks before and sigh.

One does tend to wish one just didn't care about what other people might be thinking or feeling... one does.

Monday, 21 July 2014


I'm fighting off a cold/bug/sickness of some sort so I'm a little on the tired and possibly grumpy side so forgive me ... for whatever my brain comes up with or...doesn't come up with.

The short version of today's story boys and girls is that I like to wear an article of the boy I like's clothing.

I just always have (is it a girl thing in general, or just a me thing?) and I can remember being in elementary school and a "friend" wearing the jacket of a boy I was "dating" and how HORRIFIED I was that she would so clearly break the rule.  We all knew that her wearing his jacket was a statement she shouldn't have been making. 

High school crushes would sometimes lend a hoodie when it was too cold, or a jacket when they were heading back to the city and wanted to make sure we'd see each other again.

Even movies do that whole thing where the girl is cold and the guy takes off his sexy suit jacket to place it gently over her bare shoulders and pretty dress.

For me, there's something about being in a piece of clothing that he's worn, especially if I've seen him in it, and especially if it's big on me that makes me feel comforted.  Safe, and warm, yes, but also like a little bit of him is there and we're connected and he likes me and... yeah.

I've probably talked about it here, (I could search the archives to check) but with both Smith and Jay, I asked for articles of clothing at various times and was denied them because each guy "needed" it, or, as it felt at the time, didn't want to give it up because they weren't sure they'd ever see it (or me) again.

It's been rough for Jason and I this last while and the other week things were pretty tough and I wasn't sure we'd have time to talk about it or what and I knew he was dealing with crunch time with work so I wanted to not have to pester him for... whatever... reassurance?  some kind of positive mental connection?  I don't know.  I just didn't want to bug him when I knew he was going to be so busy, so I asked him if I could borrow a hoodie or something.

And Jason nodded, said "of course" and then went and got me his favourite hoodie.

You guys, he got me his favourite.

I hadn't asked.  Would never have assumed, from recent experiences that he would give up the one he likes the most, but he did.  And it meant a lot to me.  It really did.

Every guy's different, I know this, and things are still... not easy with Jason and I but he, probably unknowingly made a big statement when he got me his hoodie.

He made me feel like I mattered to him, that I was important, and that he knew we would be seeing each other again.  That it wasn't over.  Somehow.

I don't know, I can't quite properly put my finger on it, you know?

It just... sometimes it's the little things that make a big difference.

Saturday, 19 July 2014


So when I made my list the other day, to help settle my mind, I put down all the things I could think of that were somewhere on my mental to do list.

One of those things is to take photographs of Jason.  He's said he'd "model" for me to help me figure out light and how to "direct" people to pose and stuff.

Now, unfortunately, what I wrote down on my to do list was "shoot Jason".


I don't think I'm going to enjoy prison at all.  Not even if Piper and Suzanne are there.

Friday, 18 July 2014

I Had No Idea


Well that should bring some interesting people to this post via web searches, shouldn't it?

But, I mean.. really.  Peni... (is that the formal plural?)

So Jason and I went back to the clothing optional place, and while I know the whole idea is that you don't notice people are naked, I can't help but notice that people are naked!

And although it's not a sexual place (for me, and I'm assuming for most others) I can't help but look at the sexual organs that are out and about.

And last time we went I was astounded to notice that penises come in many many different shapes and sizes.

I mean, I guess I "knew" that, the same way that I know that breasts come in different shapes and sizes but a) I have breasts, and so I'm kind of used to them and b) I've been around naked women in locker rooms and such way more than I've been around naked men.  I mean, let's be honest, I've only seen as many naked men as I been naked with myself (if you get what I'm saying) and that's only one at a time and it's not as if I have a mental picture of all of my boyfriends' you know what's and I've never compared so... anyway, I'm just saying, this is I have never before been around so many penises.  (Peni...penis..esses)  I've really only ever seen one at a time!

They're everywhere at this beach!  Or so it seems to me anyway.

And here's what blew my mind.

I know I'm not really supposed to be looking at them, but I kind of couldn't help it the other day and I'm shocked to say I had no idea they were all so different to begin with.

Like, I've heard from guys that some guys are "growers" and some guys are "showers" which I was told meant that some guys start smaller and "grow" as they get aroused and some guys start bigger and don't grow much when they get aroused.

But when all of a sudden you're confronted by five, ten, fifteen man parts, you can't help but notice that there are huge differences in what they all look like!  Some are small, some are fat, some have huge hanging ballsacks (sorry, I should have put a "eewwww gross" warning on this post) and some you can't even see the balls.  I can't say I've ever noticed one where I went wow, that's large, but I did notice one where I went, wow, that's ...fat.  I think it was the first time I had a really visual representation of why guys might feel insecure about their dicks.

I had always wondered why guys cared, because as a woman, once it's doing what it's meant to do, I'm happy.  I don't care what it does when it's.. asleep, or how it looks once it's awake.  I care about who's attached to it and what we get up to together (did I put that delicately enough?)

So yeah... that was an eye opening experience.

Those things come in all sorts of sizes and shapes and girths and accompanying ball...sack sizes.

It's actually really weird, to be honest.

Penises are like the breasts of the male world.

(Except some women would like smaller ones, and according to the spam I get, no man wants a smaller ding dong.)

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Brain Melt

Since I'm not taking my newest camera (a Nikon) to Burning Man this year (because I'm going, right?  Right.) I'm going to take my Canon.

I had this Canon last year but took my slightly older one, and I guess I'm doing the same this year.  Just means I have a slightly better camera this year than I did last year, but my "really good" camera and lens are staying home.

I decided I should probably try shooting with the Canon again before I head out to Burning Man, especially since I really didn't shoot in anything other than Auto with the thing.

So I went out yesterday with my Canon in hand and flipped it over to Manual mode.

And... I couldn't figure out how to change my settings!

It's so weird being used to one camera and its dials and such and then switching to another and finding nothing's where it should be.

And with these two cameras, the Nikon has two dials I use to change aperture and f stop, but the Canon has only one dial!

I felt like I was in a foreign country for the first while.  I stood there staring at the camera and trying to remember how it worked and trying to figure out what each little button did and nope, nope, nope, argh!

It was amusing, because I wasn't in a rush, wasn't worried, knew I'd figure it out either eventually by myself, by asking Jason, googling online, or finding my camera manual.

So I gave up for a while and just shot on auto, and I think I fell into working with the camera and lens again pretty easily.  Feels natural I guess.  Had a Canon for years after all.  Haven't had the Nikon even half a year. 

After a while my brain kind of got over the hump and I remembered the button I could press and so now I can run in Manual mode on the Canon.

I'm not sure if I will at Burning Man or if I'll just set it on Auto and worry about the shot I'm taking rather than the light.  Not sure.  May talk to Jason about it and see what he thinks I should try/do.

Taking photos at Burning Man this year may be another entire post as I'm not sure how much of it I want to do... maybe a lot more than last year, maybe about the same amount, I don't know.  First of all I have to figure out the details of actually for sure getting there and back before I figure out the smaller things like how much do I want to have my camera on me this time...

I just wanted to share how weird it felt to be going from one brand to another and how I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and it all felt weird and unnatural.

It's funny what we get used to, eh?

Wednesday, 16 July 2014


My car, apparently, should not be kept clean.

Because it seems to me that whenever I go to the trouble of washing it or having it washed a bird promptly poops on it.


Maybe there's something about the newly washed shine that attracts birds?  Or maybe it's just the Universe having a giggle, I don't know.

I just know that a) birds seem to always poop on my car just after I wash it and b) if a bird ever poops on my windshield, it is invariably right smack dab in my area of vision.  Like, right at eye level.

*shakes fist at little birdies who poop on cars*
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