You guys this weekend had some really brutal moments in it, and I think I figured it would and tried to be mentally prepared for it but I really didn't know how exhausted I'd be by it all.
Jason is a royal pain in the ass to travel with. Or at least he was this time. And if we ever talk about travelling together again I will be talking to him about this for sure. Or I'll just not travel with him again. Or I'll just stick earplugs in while ignoring his cursing because he did not pack the night before and can not find the things he wanted/needed even though I suggested he pack the night before and had done so myself.
I saw a sign once in someone's office that said "Lack of planning or organization on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part." And I'm generally pretty good at trying to remember that but when the person you're travelling with works differently than you do in terms of planning and organization and front-loading the things that need to be done it's hard. Especially when it's your first time travelling with that person and you also really don't do well with early mornings and your body wants to revolt and, well, anyway, yeah, it just went downhill from there, really.
When I travel, I'm hyper-organized. Things are laid out a few days before, lists are made, and then more lists the night before so that I don't forget anything I need in my morning "rush"
Because I'm not a morning person I also don't like to rush too much so I have everything ready to go, and my reminder stickie notes out and I get up as late as I can and I'm out the door in five or ten minutes. Seriously.
So when Jason said we're leaving at 5:30, and I woke up at 5:45 (because he hadn't felt the need to set an alarm and it was his trip so I just let him have it his way...) I wasn't concerned because I knew I'd be ready to leave ASAP.
And that's when Jason started to pack.
Which meant my body revolted and I was dealing with that while he was going ape-shit about things not going the way he needed/wanted them to.
Add to that the stress we sometimes have driving together (we needed to take my vehicle so I was driving) while adding being out of town and travelling and knowing he had to work later that afternoon and I was just so stressed.
Which he picks up on and reacts to badly, which then spins me out worse because I feel unsupported and I get mad and the whole thing was just ugly.
I know it's different to travel with anyone the first time, but Jason's go-to when stressed is a sort of aggressive angry sort of thing and I hate it. It's awful for me and I don't know yet how to handle it or ignore it or what to do with it so Friday was a pretty bad morning.
I remember mid day Friday telling Jason that I could tell I was going to have a big
cry and that when I did he just needed to listen.
so done, and when we finally got to our hotel room and had a half hour
of down time before he had to work I told him I needed him to come and
sit with me while I cried.
I told him I had a bunch of
things to say and I didn't even really want him to listen, I just wanted
to say them (I knew they were things I meant but didn't mean, like "I
want to go home" and "I hate it here and didn't want to come") and he
was great and just listened and held my hand as I sobbed and sobbed and
let all the tension and stress out from the morning.
course I felt better after that and a little power nap but I'm so
grateful he was able to be there for me in that way rather than snapping
or telling me to pull myself together because I was at my emotional
stress limit and needed a release and to just be safe doing that.
Was the rest of the weekend smooth? No.
Did Jason have more angry/screw up moments? Yes.
Did I have any screw up moments? Just the times I somehow managed to piss Jason off by not doing this, that or the other (apparently I walk too slowly/too quickly in crowds) (sigh)
It was hard because he was in work mode and so I had to fend for myself (I knew this going in, it was part of why I was nervous) and I coped with that and did chat to some folk, but I kept wishing I had a friend there that I could relax with or that Jason wasn't working so we could relax together.
We did get some touristy couple time together for a few hours and that was nice, but I was pretty high key stress wise and we had fights (for lack of a better term) and I didn't hate it but I didn't love it either.
Which was kind of what I expected.
But yeah. Emotionally spent, is what I've been ever since we made our way home and it's been a very quiet week for me so far by necessity.
I even nearly missed C-Dawg's birthday because I was so spaced out.
Anyway, this has been a bit of a babble. I feel like I have to vent about this weekend but I don't know who to vent to. Jason's super busy and I don't want to impose until things settle a bit for him and no one else really understands all the layers and levels of our (weird) relationship so I guess this is my first vent and who knows if there will be more.