Out Of The Mouths

I know they usually say that it's children who will say surprisingly insightful things, but this Sunday, when I was with my parents and told them that Jay and I (who they've never met) were no longer a couple, they both said something that while small, meant a lot to me.

I broke it to them differently, separately, and so when I was telling my Dad that the guy I'd been seeing moved to Vancouver and then kind of turned into a jerk when we ended things, my Dad said that that must be upsetting and hard.  And then he said that I needed to hold men in less esteem.

Which, honestly, when a girlfriend or guy friend says "guys are jerks" you just kind of shrug it off as them trying to be supportive, but lumping all guys into the same category has never seemed fair.  But for my Dad to say kind of the same thing?  Gave me pause.  Do I think too highly of men?

My Mom, when she heard that Jay had not been "nice" around the end of things, comforted me and hugged me and let me cry.  She said that it had seemed like he was a nice fellow.  I said he had been.  She said it seemed like we'd had a ton of fun together.  I said we had.   One of the things she said was that it seemed like I brought out the best in people.  She said my Dad's like that too.  But she said that it always seems like I bring out the best in people and so that when they're not with me anymore they turn mean.

I don't know if it's true, but it certainly helped me to think so.

This Weekend

This weekend was exhausting, but at the end of it, Jay was a little bit further away in the rear view mirror.

Or, perhaps more honestly, the way Jay acted last weekend felt further away, less in the forefront of my everything.

I went to a barbeque sort of lunch thing with people I didn't really know (way outside of my comfort zone) and that was completely exhausting, and then I hung out with a girl I sort of know and met her friends that I may be travelling down to Burning Man with, and that was exhausting too.

I also missed Jay terribly, as it would have been perfect to either have him along with me as a sort of comfort zone carry-along, or to come home to to de-compress and snuggle with after all that stress.

I went for a walk with my Dad Sunday morning for father's day and that was nice, and then I hung out with my folks for a bit and had a huge cry when my Mom asked me how it was going with "that fellow."

When I told her we weren't together anymore, she asked if he'd been "nice" about the breakup.  If he'd handled it well.  And, of course, that's when I broke down.

I hadn't wanted to.  They have their own things going on and don't need my troubles, but sometimes a hug from your Mom is just what you need.

It didn't fix anything, but I think it helped open some of the floodgates I've been holding shut through pure force of will and need to survive.

I think I just survived last week and now it's time to feel the hurt and cry it out and mourn and grieve the loss so I can move on.

And on that note, I only cried in public three times this weekend, so there's that.  No, wait... four.

I also lost it over Survivor, which, yes I know it's been over for a while (but no, don't tell me who won) but I wasn't watching it because I was hanging with Jay and happily busy, and so I was distracting myself and catching up on tv and I happened to be on the episode where the loved ones come and I always cry at that one but I really cried at it this time.

And, you guys... you guys have helped.  Really.  Your good thoughts and sharing your stories and sending me love and hugs and just like some of you said, knowing there are people out there, different places in the world wishing and hoping that I'll feel better soon really helps.  And makes me feel loved and cared for.

So thank you.  Very much.

So So

Sigh.

Part of the problem with blogging right now is that the thoughts in my head are so so full and jumbled that I can't seem to sort them out long enough to put together a coherent... anything to do with how I'm feeling about everything.

It's still too much.

I'm inching towards being ok.  Like, I have more moments of being ok and feeling ok, but I'm still not there.  Still so hurt and confused and rattled and sad but more ok than I was.

Had an exhausting weekend, and need more sleep (which didn't come a lot this weekend) and wish I could just have a mental break from everything.

Yeah.

You guys, I just don't know what to say.

Do you ever, maybe it's just me, find yourself in a situation where someone has said something hurtful, incredibly hurtful, and it just plays over and over and over in your head?

That's where I'm stuck.

I mean, yes, had this ended differently, I would still be sad that it didn't work, and I would be going through all the usual tears you do when a relationship ends, but on top of all that, way way more then that, is me trying to get over how Jay was this weekend.  How he acted Monday night especially, and I just keep replaying it all in my head trying to figure out why.  And who that guy was.  And why he replaced the man I loved.

It's what keeps knocking me back to head between my knees, can't breathe, confusion and tears.

I just don't see how you can be so rude, so disrespectful to anyone, never mind someone you lived with and say you loved, and still, apparently love.

I just don't get it.

I really, really don't.

Over

Well, there's a first time for everything.

I don't even know what to say, I really don't.  There's so much I could tell you and write about but I can't talk about it right now without losing it.  Really, seriously.  Like, head between my knees to stop me from fainting.  I am so ....




This was my first time ending a relationship.  Which I guess is supposed to be a good thing.

But how it ended was awful.

Which hurts even more.

And I don't know how everything changed so drastically in a week.  I'm baffled.  And utterly shocked by him and how he handled everything.  Really, really stunned.  I've been in shock since it happened.  Honestly.

I don't know if I'll post anything more this week.

(And I'm not quite ready to hear how it'll all be ok, and how there's a great guy out there for me.  It was ok, and there was a great guy right here with me.  And then he disappeared and I have no idea what happened.)

This right now, isn't a day by day thing, this is a minute by minute thing.  And I'm not ok.
 

Recounting

I don't know why, particularly, but I found myself keeping track of how each day went last week.  And I figured I may as well share.  Because, you know, that's what I do.  Pretty much.

Monday:  I was actually feeling a lot better today that I expected.  It helped that it was sunny, and supposed to be sunny for the entire week, and it helped to have work to keep me busy, but I felt pretty upbeat and happy.  The evening was hard, and getting home from work and him not being there was hard.  And I didn't really sleep Sunday night, but all in all, I felt a lot happier than I would have thought.  Jay and I tried to sort of watch Game of Thrones "together".  We started it at the same time.  I knew what was coming (had read the books) and wish we'd been able to watch it on the couch together so I could have seen his reaction.  He ended up having to stop before the end to finish his laundry so I watched the end on my own and then went to bed before he got back around to watching.   In some ways it was just back to normal.  I mean I've lived here so long on my own it's very familiar.  Doesn't mean I don't miss him, just that I guess I'm used to being the only one here more than I am to having him around.

Tuesday:  Didn't sleep much again, so woke up grumpy.  And blue.  And tired.  And unhappy.  Not so good of a day.  Jay's not enjoying his new place or his job and I just want him to quit it all and come back.  But that isn't going to happen so.... yeah.  Went for a walk in the sunshine at lunch, and then for a short bike ride after work and I think that helped my mood.  I felt better in the evening.  Wanted to talk to Jay, but that didn't happen.  I guess I could have called him, but he was frustrated and grumpy so I just let it be.

Wednesday:  Again with the not sleeping.  This is not cool.  I'm so tired.  So tired.  And that just makes it easier to be down.  Went for another sunny walk at lunch, just fifteen minutes but I think it helps.  Am also making sure I drink lots of water.  I filled an old juice container with water and mint and lemon and it's pretty yummy.  I'm still so so tired though.  I wish Jay was here so I could sleep.  That sucks.  I texted him in the morning and told him I wanted to talk.  We FaceTimed in the evening but he was building something for his new room and it just made me want to cry.  This has been the longest week ever and it's only Wednesday.  I feel like if I could get a good sleep in, I might feel better.  I wish we were making plans to see each other this weekend.  I wish we could sit and talk on the phone, but I feel like he needs to get settled in his place and that I should just suck it up.  I just want to talk.

Thursday:  Wednesday at work, someone asked me if I had allergies (my nose has been really dry yet sniffy) and I told her no, but that it felt like it this week.  She said she felt the same way, so maybe there was something in the air, literally.  I used my neti-pot, but nothing changed, so before I went to bed Wednesday night I took a Benedryl and I think I maybe slept better.  My nose certainly was better.  Not that that really has anything to do with Jay, except that I think I was in a bit of a better mood Thursday because of the slightly more sleep.   I had a cry and a talk with a friend Wednesday evening too and then a quick phone call with Jay.  Really wishing I was going to see him this weekend.  So want to just lie on a couch and hug.  Doesn't look like there'll be that much space in his new place, but I don't know.  Still trying to sort of let him settle, but wish he was here, or we were in the same space.  Not liking this.

Friday:  Thursday evening did not end well.  I was tired and crying.  Went to bed at nine.  Had to put something over my eyes because it was still light out.  I think I felt a little better, sleep wise in the morning.   Texted Jay that I felt like one of us should be getting on a ferry Friday afternoon.  He said that he was busy and in meetings.  I guess I could have gone over anyway, but didn't know if me going over would just be sitting by myself all day anyway.  Wanted to go over to at least have a night or two, some evening time.  He said maybe we could try for next weekend.  Tired again.  This was a long week.  Really not liking him not being here.  Bad end to the day.  Had a fun event here at my building so was up later, but happy.  Texted Jay who was still cleaning his new room.  We FaceTimed for a few minutes while he sorted and then he said, ok, well, I've got to go shower, bye.  And I was so mad.  Like, we haven't talked all week.  I had a bad week, I've had some really tough things happen and some good ones too and I just want to be in your arms and that's not happening and now you've told me I'll hate your place and that maybe even if I come to visit I should bring a cot and then you're like, ok bye.  I feel so unimpressed.  I tried to calm down and sent him a text saying, hey, look, I know you're busy and trying to settle and I'm trying to let it go but we haven't talked and you keep giving me maybe five minutes of your time and I'm really unhappy about it.  And I didn't hear back.  I went to bed feeling like maybe this isn't going to work and that it's already over.

Saturday:  Still nothing.  I don't know what I feel or think any more.  I feel like I have no good warm fuzzies to go on.  I feel like he's not trying, and I kind of knew that wasn't his strength but, really, if this is what it's going to be like?  I'm not sure there's anything in it for me.  I'm angry and frustrated and I feel lots of kinds of unhappy.  This sucks.

Saturday afternoon:  I emailed Jay my concerns over the lack of communication/sharing/etc this week.  I still haven't heard back.  At this point, I'm wondering if this week is all it takes to end this relationship.  If we only work if/when we're together.  And what would that mean?  I went for a bike ride and felt better.  Got a late afternoon text from him saying he was out at a BBQ, and that he had a job training opportunity he was pretty happy about for Fall/Winter.  These texts really made me feel like I was over it all, which I both understand and don't.  I emailed a friend and said "I think I'm done."  And then I started to cry.

Saturday evening:  I sent Jay a longer email, pretty frank, laying it all out.  Not sure if/when I'll get a response, certainly not sure what that response will be.  I don't think I'm over-reacting, this is one of those camel's back straw breaking kind of moments, which sucks.  This will suck royally if this week is the end of this, because when Jay and I are together, it's great.

Sunday:  Jay responded to my email at about 3am.  Well, he answered the email, but didn't respond to anything I said.  Basically, what he said was that he had a really good week, and that he's not feeling like he's lacking in any way.  That he loved being with me, but isn't missing it.  So, that stung.  But also, didn't address what I'd said about needing more communication.  Told him so.  Woke up Sunday morning to another short email saying that I wanted a long distance relationship and that I need more communication than he's able to give.  And that he's not able to give that right now.  I figured that was pretty clear and that I would call him to end things off.  I called, he answered.  Was just heading out the door and how would we find time to figure this all out?  Which is a slightly different tune than his email.  I told him he'd been pretty clear.  He said maybe we could talk later.  At this point, I'm going to close off this post.  I don't forsee a good ending to this, it's mid-day Sunday at the time of this writing.  I've watched Les Miserables, had a good cry (it's the musical I know best) and had a nap.  Now I'm going out for a walk and for groceries and I'm guessing later this evening I'll write out what did or didn't happen in another post.  Which I'm guessing will get posted tomorrow, or later this week, seeing as I do often do a fair bit of writing on a Sunday.

And Repeat

In the light of what's gone on in the last few days, this post actually doesn't make as much sense.  I wrote it last week just after Jay had left, and had it ready to be published today, as I thought I might be busy this weekend.  So I'm letting it stand, as the thoughts I had were valid at the time I wrote them.


This is going to have to be day by day.  One day at a time.

Because my mind wants to run down the road of bundling up everything into the future and how bad it might get or how difficult or sad or how it isn't going to be ok.  And that's not fair.

It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to my psyche.

So I have to, in those moments when I feel my mind trying to pull me into how this is all going to end badly and be a miserable time, just stop it, I have to not let it run away with that.

I have to pull myself back into, hey, I'm just here, right now, that's all that's real, the end.

And I just will have to keep doing that as many times as it takes, over and over.  Because if not, I start thinking about whether or not we'll see each other this weekend, and then I think about how probably not and then I wonder about why not and then I wonder when we might see each other ever again and it just snowballs and spirals from there and it's never good.  Ever.

So I just have to be just in today.

Only.

Your Turn

What went well for you this week?

The Best Things

In the spirit of a What Went Well type of thing here is an incomplete list of the Best Things about Jay living with me over the last two and a bit months.
 
- the laughing (when we laugh at things, some of them best not shared online, it's genuine laughter, not the kind of laughing you sometimes feel you have to do at work when your boss makes an awkward joke at a staff meeting.... not that that happens because I don't blog about work, remember?  I don't remember the last time I was with someone where we would share such fun, silly times and where so much of what we did together would be so funny, or where we would laugh so much together.)

- the happy (see above, partially, but also moments of just being happy)

- the closeness (cuddling, snuggling, holding hands, being wrapped up together in bed or on the couch)

-the household chores sharer (Once Jay had started feeling settled here, I noticed that things started to get tidied without me having done it.  The dishwasher got emptied, and then one day the laundry got done.  The other week, I was cleaning and he asked how he could help.  My answer was at first "I don't know what I can trust you with" but then I realized, why turn down a genuine offer to help so I asked him if he could dust and he did, and it was awesome, the two of us puttering around the apartment.  I've lived alone here for so long, it's a delight to have someone else do anything, it really is.  One time, the toilet paper was low and I went back later and it was already changed with a new roll!  This guy is amazing.  And a really good live-in boyfriend.)

-the someone to do things with (This may be one of my most favourite changes since Jay moved in.  Instead of coming home from work, exercising, making dinner, getting ready for the next day, and then flopping down on my couch with my computer, we have a few hours of adventure in there.  Maybe a walk downtown, or a bike ride to the inner harbour, but always something exercise outside-ish and then the dinner and getting ready, and then maybe a show, or just hanging out, or some computer time and then bed.  It's also having that someone to go to an event with, or just someone to hold hands with while going to get groceries.  Having Jay here has made the mundane fun, and much more enjoyable.  And gives me someone to have conversation with.  And enjoy the experiences with.  And discover things with that I might not notice on my own.  And to pull me out of my usual routes and paths to find new places, routines, scenes and things.  Awesome.)

-the tv watching while hugging partner (I've hardly watched tv shows since Jay's been here since we find other adventures to have together, but every few nights we'll watch a show.  SoA, Walking Dead, Game of Thrones... and it's much nicer to have someone to snuggle with while watching, let me tell you)

-the someone to come home to (I LOVE coming in the front door and Jay coming to greet me and us figuring out what we're going to do with our evening.  I love, love, LOVE it.  So very much.)

-the someone to share sleeping with (Something I haven't been able to do with boyfriends for a long, long time.  I've never slept so well next to someone, it's amazing.)

-the er... [redacted]  (Blush. I don't wanna talk about it!)

-the adventure partner (I love all the things we've done together!  Little adventures around the neighbourhood, or bigger ones out of the neighbourhood, I love doing things and going places with him)

-the uplifter (The odd times I've said something negative about myself, Jay has stopped me.  "Hey, that's my girlfriend you're talking about."  And the way he looks at me, makes me feel attractive.  And the fact that he keeps telling me he loves me, makes me think that maybe he actually does.  He makes me feel better and happier and prettier.)

-the ability to have someone to shower love on  (Being able to show and share my love isn't something I really get to do in my life.  Being able to bring Jay a glass of water, or give him a kiss on the head as he's sitting at the table, or a squeeze on the shoulder as I walk past him as he works.  All those things make me feel full and happy and complete.  Being able to show and express and share my love with Jay has been wonderful.)

-the little things (Like when he starts the dishwasher when I'm at work because he knows I don't like the noise of it running.  Or when he tidies up the dishes after I make dinner, or the way he claps and smiles happily when I unlock the door after getting home from work.)

-the comfort (I feel really comfortable with and around him.)

-the fun (So much of it!)

-the ease (Of everything.  Everything between us is just easy.)

-the falling asleep and waking up (With him there next to me.  It's delicious.)

-the five minutes before work (When I've done everything I need to do for the morning but still have a few minutes before I need to leave, I go back into the bedroom and Jay opens the covers and I slide in next to him and he holds me for those five or six minutes until my watch beeps that I have to go.  And then I kiss him, wish him a good day, and smile at him, curled up in bed as I head off to work.)

-the we're really silly together (And all those things that I guess are inside jokes, but really that's only because I don't think anyone else would find it funny if I said "uh oh" or "triangle!" or "no" or a number of other things, but Jay would get it, and the two of us would start to laugh, or chuckle, or smile)

-the hugs (When I walk in the door from work.  When I'm looking a little blue.  When I'm brushing my teeth.  When I'm lying on the couch.  When it's time to turn out the lights.  When I need one.  When he wants to give me one.  Out of the blue.  When I bend over to take something out of the dishwasher.  [Ok, those aren't hugs, see inside jokes above, but still])

-the communication (since the beginning I was open with him, and he with me.  When I talk, he listens, and vise versa.  I'm not afraid to tell him anything, and even if what he tells me upsets me, I at least know he's being honest.  We've worked through some issues (fights?) that would have ended a relationship for me not that long ago.)

-the being there (I've really liked having his presence in my place.  Like, just having that other person there, hearing him move around or take a shower, or whatever it might be.)


I'm sure there's more.  Maybe I'll add to this post before it's posted, or after it's posted, I don't know.  I just know it's been awesome having Jay here, really really awesome.

Dilemma

I feel like I need help with a dilemma that some of you may be more able to help me with than others.

See, I'd like to start to put myself out there a bit more, photography wise.

And by "myself", I mean my real name.  Or at least a less "anonymous" self.

I love the photos I have on flickr now, but they all link to this blog and I really want this blog to stay as far away from my life as it can, even if that's just a pipe dream and not realistic.

So what do I do?  Do I go through and take out all of the pictures from this blog?  Well, no, because there are already people who know my flickr account as being linked to this blog.

So do I start a new flickr account with my name, or the name of what would be a place to direct people or maybe even sell prints eventually?  But then what do I do with this account that I have now.  Keep it and just not upload anymore?  Flickr's changing anyway, and I may not keep my pro account....

I just don't know that I want to maintain two accounts.

I suppose I could start something else entirely, like a Tumblr photography page or a photography website, but it's still two photography based things to maintain, when I really just started uploading to flickr to put photos in my posts.  (Every second post, in case you never noticed the pattern!)

I don't know.  I just know that I wanted to enter a photography contest the other day and they asked you to link to your flickr account and I was all.... oh... well they can't find out who I really am....

So... thoughts?  Suggestions?  Ideas?

Or Something Inspirational Like That

I often try to see these times of change that get forced upon me as opportunities to start afresh.  Kind of like another New Year or birthday, a clean slate in whatever way I feel like I need.

And since not having Jay around any more may make it easier to fall back into the things I did before he moved in, and may make me feel like I should be free to indulge my sorrows with my usual vices (bad eating, un-necessary spending, etc) I'm wondering if I can make this an opposite.

(On a slight tangent, Jay and I haven't broken up.  It's not as if he dumped me and I'm broken hearted that he doesn't love me any more, we still love each other, he still loves me, we're still... together.  Just not... together, like, living together.  So I try to remind myself of that.  And that I should enjoy having a good guy in my life, even if he's not home every night.  And that in the grand scheme of things, this is just a blip, and that I'm very lucky in my life. End tangent.)

The second day or so before Jay left, I had stressed and upset myself into a complete run down sicky.  I took a couple of days off work and while he sat at the table and worked from home (don't get me started on the rant of "if you could do it for a week, why can't you do it forever, because that rant doesn't go very far even though I understand all the things he can do and needs to do in Vancouver that he can't do in Victoria but, ok, deep breath) I systematically went through my junk food cupboard.

And ate it all.

Well, 95% of it anyway.

I keep saying how I'm unhappy with my weight and then stuffing my face with sugar.

And often I stuff my face when I'm miserable rather than, I don't know, suffering through the miserable without stuffing my face?

I've found I don't do well with cold turkey because I inevitably break the promise to myself and then figure since I've screwed up, I may as well just give up and nom nom nom nom nom.

But I thought that maybe if there wasn't all that crap lying around, and I was at least partially mindful of it, I could go through the sadness of him not being here and the nasty feeling of wanting to eat things I shouldn't all at once.

Like, I remember when I started my meal plan, and there were a couple of days of feeling hungry and miserable and grumpy, but then I kind of just got used to it and was fine.  And that lasted until Fall, when I somehow decided I needed treats at work.  And that then sugary treats weren't enough and I should have pretzels at work, and now it's ten pounds later.

So I don't know, maybe it's bad timing and I'll find myself at the corner store buying bags and boxes and containers of crap to "get me through" the worst of the "Jay's not here."  Or maybe not.

I also was reading through some get fit subreddits on reddit and someone mentioned how they don't drink anything but water and how that has made a huge difference.

I'm not a huge pop (soda for you USA-ians) drinker, but I do occasionally like some, but maybe I should try to just stick to water.  (Except for the odd time that water upsets my stomach, no seriously, and a 7UP settles it...)

I also do think I should probably try going off of dairy, but I so dislike the non-dairy drinks... and I do so enjoy cheese, so I don't know about that one either.

Sugars and I should really see less of each other though, that I know, but that's a really hard one for me.

But I feel like I may as well try.  A time of change... a time for change?  (Or something inspirational like that.)

Maybe?

Wavy

For most of last week I was just wishing that my thoughts would stay in one place, one zone.

I told Jay, or maybe warned is a better word, that I'd be on a hair-trigger for crying last week and I was.  Any time I heard him tell someone "I'm moving to Vancouver at the end of the week" or when he changed his cell number or talked about packing, I'd tear up.

There was one moment where we were setting his alarm to remind him about something and I said, oh, you can just set it to repeat every day and he stopped, and looked at me... "Love.  I leave on Saturday."  And right there in the middle of the sidewalk I started to cry.

I have no predictions for how much or how little I may be crying this week or next or over the next months, I just don't know, but last week I was just wishing my thoughts would be consistent.

I'd have these moments of feeling just like, almost peace.  Let's just see what happens and what's meant to be will be and maybe this will all just work out perfectly and there's no point in worrying and being upset.  Those moments.

And then I'd all of a sudden be crying.

Or mad.

Or desperately wishing he wasn't leaving, that this was all a dream, that he would quit his job and come live with me forever and ever and ever and what's so wrong with that anyway?

It wasn't fun.  Especially outside of those calm moments, and I found myself wondering if that is why people go on medications.  To just even out the waves.

Or maybe that's why some drink... I don't know.

I just wish things weren't how they are, but life doesn't work like that does it?

I Tried

I tried, most of last week, to think of a witty, cheerful post I could create to put up now that Jay is gone.

(I didn't even want to type that... "gone", but anyway...)

So I kept trying to come up with a list of reasons it was good that Jay wasn't living here anymore.  Like, reasons it was good that he was no longer living with me.

But what ended up happening is that I'd think of something and then just get sad about it.  Like, "I can read my book more at night."  But then that would just make me think ... well, I can read my book more at night because it means Jay and I aren't in bed together talking or snuggling or whatever, so then I'd just get sad.

So in the spirit of trying to be... happy and light... the only reason I've come up with that it's better that Jay's not living here anymore is this:  I no longer have* to cover the noise when I go to the bathroom.

And... that's it.

Not much of a list, eh?





*I'm sure some of you are like, dude, you don't "have" to anyway, but I do.  Can't help it.  I just do.

Pot? Kettle?

I just had one of those moments where you smack yourself in the face with a realization you kind of wish you'd never had in the first place.

There's a new person in our building and every time she parks her car she gets out and has a smoke.  And she drives a lot, so she seems to smoke a lot.

As she was stepping out of her car the other day and reaching into her bag for a cigarette I thought "man, it would suck to be so addicted to something like that."  And then I walked into the kitchen to stuff my face full of a sugary treat.

Oh.

Crap.

Aftermath

Oh dear.

Do you remember last week when I wrote the supremely happily elated post about getting a bike?

Yeah, well... I wrote that post the afternoon after the new purchase and bike ride.

I did not write that post the evening of.

Because had I fired up my computer that evening and typed out how I was feeling, it would have been something along the lines of "MAKE IT STOP!!!!!!!!!" and then some.

See, I didn't think much about it, and so when we got home we ate dinner and showered and did whatever else and got ready for the next day and went to bed.  My legs felt a little sore, so I threw on my leg warmers like I'd usually do when they're a bit sore after a work out and went to sleep.

Until about 1am, when I was woken up by a massive amount of discomfort in my thighs.

Not quite pain, like not sharp enough to be pain, but holy *(*&^*% was it ever awful.

Lactic acid buildup I figured, getting out of bed to eat a banana, take an advil, throw on some heat... no...ice?  No... both?  OMG WHY ISN'T IT GETTING BETTER??????

Not lactic acid said the internet.  Delayed Onset Muscle Soreness maybe?  An incredibly sore thing you can do nothing about?  Crap.

You guys, there was no sleep to be had.  There was no position that wasn't incredibly uncomfortable.  Not moving hurt.  Moving hurt.  Ice didn't help.  Heat didn't help.  Pain killers didn't help.  Bananas, milk, rubbing them didn't help, nothing.  Nothing helped.

I wanted to wake Jay up, just to have him share in my misery, but that seemed cruel.  So I lay there, all damn night long, on the couch, just wishing my legs would hurt a little bit less.  Just enough that I could maybe grab a second of sleep.

So I guess the thing is, is if you get a bike after not having one for a decade or so, you should take it easy the first time or so out.  You know, ease into it.

Because that is the worst my legs have ever ever felt ever ever and let's not even talk about how sore it was to sit down on that saddle again a couple of days later.

Seriously.

No, seriously.