Thursday, 24 July 2014


So I got two fillings done yesterday and I'm still hurting in one of the spots.

And that doesn't even mention the fact that I was nearly crying in the sitting room and that I did actually cry when he did one of the needles and that I spent all afternoon being unable to feel my face, both sides, thank you very much and all I wanted to do was eat something crunchy but I couldn't feel enough to eat and even speaking was weird and it hurt and even today my jaw still hurts where one of the needles went in and I do not like.

I seem to remember this happening last time too.  A week's worth of pain where the needle went in.  Probably the same side, if I think about it.

But yeah... maybe this is why I'm not enjoying the dentist anymore.  Pain.  Crying.  More pain.

And they were both just "little" cavities too.

Oh, except for the lasering away of some of my gums to get at the cavities on the one tooth.

*sad panda*

*sad sore jaw panda*

Wednesday, 23 July 2014

I'm Upset

I had to go to the dentist yesterday.

I mean, I guess I never really "have" to, but I've always gone, twice a year for my checkup and cleaning and yesterday was my twice a year visit.

I didn't want to go.  I'm not really sure why, but I didn't.

I've never had a problem with dentists, but I've never loved them either and my last few times haven't been something I've looked forward to.  I actually thought about cancelling this visit and that's the first time I've ever thought of doing that.  I don't know why, I just didn't want to go.

So imagine my complete misery when the dentist came in, said hello, checked my teeth and found two cavities.

I knew there was a reason I didn't want to go.

He said my mouth was "really clean" and I was "doing a really good job" just missing a couple of hard to reach spots and sigh.

I'm so disappointed.

I went to book the appointment and the first slot they could get me in was today.  Effing hurray.  So now I have to go to the dentist again... for fillings.  I am so not happy about that. 

I told C-Dawg I was leaving work at lunch to get fillings and wasn't looking forward to it.  "Do they hurt?" she asked.

Which... I didn't know how to answer because my brain just froze... WHY.... DOESN'T... SHE... KNOW?

C-Dawg has never had a filling, never had a cavity.  Never.

I can't even...

I'm sad and jealous I guess and wishing my teeth worked differently or my mouth acid or whatever it is that means that I'm still getting cavities as an adult and she's never had any even as a child.


I know, I know, first world problem but still. 




Tuesday, 22 July 2014


So perhaps the question one should ask one's self is what would one do if one were to go to the nude beach when one was, shall we say, dealing with one's special lady time of the month...

Well, you see, one might not think about this before going, because one knows that one can swim during these times, but one might then realize that if one is to be fully nude... um... things... uh... well... uh...

So, what one will most likely end up doing is keeping one's swimming trunk bottoms on even though that feels slightly weird considering one has already been fully nude in front of many of these folks before and sigh.

One does tend to wish one just didn't care about what other people might be thinking or feeling... one does.

Monday, 21 July 2014


I'm fighting off a cold/bug/sickness of some sort so I'm a little on the tired and possibly grumpy side so forgive me ... for whatever my brain comes up with or...doesn't come up with.

The short version of today's story boys and girls is that I like to wear an article of the boy I like's clothing.

I just always have (is it a girl thing in general, or just a me thing?) and I can remember being in elementary school and a "friend" wearing the jacket of a boy I was "dating" and how HORRIFIED I was that she would so clearly break the rule.  We all knew that her wearing his jacket was a statement she shouldn't have been making. 

High school crushes would sometimes lend a hoodie when it was too cold, or a jacket when they were heading back to the city and wanted to make sure we'd see each other again.

Even movies do that whole thing where the girl is cold and the guy takes off his sexy suit jacket to place it gently over her bare shoulders and pretty dress.

For me, there's something about being in a piece of clothing that he's worn, especially if I've seen him in it, and especially if it's big on me that makes me feel comforted.  Safe, and warm, yes, but also like a little bit of him is there and we're connected and he likes me and... yeah.

I've probably talked about it here, (I could search the archives to check) but with both Smith and Jay, I asked for articles of clothing at various times and was denied them because each guy "needed" it, or, as it felt at the time, didn't want to give it up because they weren't sure they'd ever see it (or me) again.

It's been rough for Jason and I this last while and the other week things were pretty tough and I wasn't sure we'd have time to talk about it or what and I knew he was dealing with crunch time with work so I wanted to not have to pester him for... whatever... reassurance?  some kind of positive mental connection?  I don't know.  I just didn't want to bug him when I knew he was going to be so busy, so I asked him if I could borrow a hoodie or something.

And Jason nodded, said "of course" and then went and got me his favourite hoodie.

You guys, he got me his favourite.

I hadn't asked.  Would never have assumed, from recent experiences that he would give up the one he likes the most, but he did.  And it meant a lot to me.  It really did.

Every guy's different, I know this, and things are still... not easy with Jason and I but he, probably unknowingly made a big statement when he got me his hoodie.

He made me feel like I mattered to him, that I was important, and that he knew we would be seeing each other again.  That it wasn't over.  Somehow.

I don't know, I can't quite properly put my finger on it, you know?

It just... sometimes it's the little things that make a big difference.

Saturday, 19 July 2014


So when I made my list the other day, to help settle my mind, I put down all the things I could think of that were somewhere on my mental to do list.

One of those things is to take photographs of Jason.  He's said he'd "model" for me to help me figure out light and how to "direct" people to pose and stuff.

Now, unfortunately, what I wrote down on my to do list was "shoot Jason".


I don't think I'm going to enjoy prison at all.  Not even if Piper and Suzanne are there.

Friday, 18 July 2014

I Had No Idea


Well that should bring some interesting people to this post via web searches, shouldn't it?

But, I mean.. really.  Peni... (is that the formal plural?)

So Jason and I went back to the clothing optional place, and while I know the whole idea is that you don't notice people are naked, I can't help but notice that people are naked!

And although it's not a sexual place (for me, and I'm assuming for most others) I can't help but look at the sexual organs that are out and about.

And last time we went I was astounded to notice that penises come in many many different shapes and sizes.

I mean, I guess I "knew" that, the same way that I know that breasts come in different shapes and sizes but a) I have breasts, and so I'm kind of used to them and b) I've been around naked women in locker rooms and such way more than I've been around naked men.  I mean, let's be honest, I've only seen as many naked men as I been naked with myself (if you get what I'm saying) and that's only one at a time and it's not as if I have a mental picture of all of my boyfriends' you know what's and I've never compared so... anyway, I'm just saying, this is I have never before been around so many penises.  (Peni...penis..esses)  I've really only ever seen one at a time!

They're everywhere at this beach!  Or so it seems to me anyway.

And here's what blew my mind.

I know I'm not really supposed to be looking at them, but I kind of couldn't help it the other day and I'm shocked to say I had no idea they were all so different to begin with.

Like, I've heard from guys that some guys are "growers" and some guys are "showers" which I was told meant that some guys start smaller and "grow" as they get aroused and some guys start bigger and don't grow much when they get aroused.

But when all of a sudden you're confronted by five, ten, fifteen man parts, you can't help but notice that there are huge differences in what they all look like!  Some are small, some are fat, some have huge hanging ballsacks (sorry, I should have put a "eewwww gross" warning on this post) and some you can't even see the balls.  I can't say I've ever noticed one where I went wow, that's large, but I did notice one where I went, wow, that's ...fat.  I think it was the first time I had a really visual representation of why guys might feel insecure about their dicks.

I had always wondered why guys cared, because as a woman, once it's doing what it's meant to do, I'm happy.  I don't care what it does when it's.. asleep, or how it looks once it's awake.  I care about who's attached to it and what we get up to together (did I put that delicately enough?)

So yeah... that was an eye opening experience.

Those things come in all sorts of sizes and shapes and girths and accompanying ball...sack sizes.

It's actually really weird, to be honest.

Penises are like the breasts of the male world.

(Except some women would like smaller ones, and according to the spam I get, no man wants a smaller ding dong.)

Thursday, 17 July 2014

Brain Melt

Since I'm not taking my newest camera (a Nikon) to Burning Man this year (because I'm going, right?  Right.) I'm going to take my Canon.

I had this Canon last year but took my slightly older one, and I guess I'm doing the same this year.  Just means I have a slightly better camera this year than I did last year, but my "really good" camera and lens are staying home.

I decided I should probably try shooting with the Canon again before I head out to Burning Man, especially since I really didn't shoot in anything other than Auto with the thing.

So I went out yesterday with my Canon in hand and flipped it over to Manual mode.

And... I couldn't figure out how to change my settings!

It's so weird being used to one camera and its dials and such and then switching to another and finding nothing's where it should be.

And with these two cameras, the Nikon has two dials I use to change aperture and f stop, but the Canon has only one dial!

I felt like I was in a foreign country for the first while.  I stood there staring at the camera and trying to remember how it worked and trying to figure out what each little button did and nope, nope, nope, argh!

It was amusing, because I wasn't in a rush, wasn't worried, knew I'd figure it out either eventually by myself, by asking Jason, googling online, or finding my camera manual.

So I gave up for a while and just shot on auto, and I think I fell into working with the camera and lens again pretty easily.  Feels natural I guess.  Had a Canon for years after all.  Haven't had the Nikon even half a year. 

After a while my brain kind of got over the hump and I remembered the button I could press and so now I can run in Manual mode on the Canon.

I'm not sure if I will at Burning Man or if I'll just set it on Auto and worry about the shot I'm taking rather than the light.  Not sure.  May talk to Jason about it and see what he thinks I should try/do.

Taking photos at Burning Man this year may be another entire post as I'm not sure how much of it I want to do... maybe a lot more than last year, maybe about the same amount, I don't know.  First of all I have to figure out the details of actually for sure getting there and back before I figure out the smaller things like how much do I want to have my camera on me this time...

I just wanted to share how weird it felt to be going from one brand to another and how I felt like I had no idea what I was doing and it all felt weird and unnatural.

It's funny what we get used to, eh?

Wednesday, 16 July 2014


My car, apparently, should not be kept clean.

Because it seems to me that whenever I go to the trouble of washing it or having it washed a bird promptly poops on it.


Maybe there's something about the newly washed shine that attracts birds?  Or maybe it's just the Universe having a giggle, I don't know.

I just know that a) birds seem to always poop on my car just after I wash it and b) if a bird ever poops on my windshield, it is invariably right smack dab in my area of vision.  Like, right at eye level.

*shakes fist at little birdies who poop on cars*

Tuesday, 15 July 2014


When I noticed this weekend that my worry level (call it anxiety if you must, that term just makes me feel like more of a victim than I like) had spiked, I did what I could to manage it.

Not control it... all of the mindfulness and meditation and psychology readings all say you can't control feelings, even trying to do so aggravates things, so don't try to control them, let them be.  But I also know that there are things that make me feel worse when I'm worried, and things that can help to settle my mind.

I also know I can get stuck in a cycle of worry and not taking care of the good things and then feeling yuckier and then it can just go on and on, so I do what I can to stay out of the deep cycles.

So when I noticed that I wasn't feeling that great this weekend I did a few good things and I missed out on a few.  I told Jason I was feeling extra worried.  I told him this not to make him do anything about it but just so he knew I was a bit on edge  Jason and I are getting really good at communicating even when we're neither of us at our best and I'm pleased about this. So I told him I was edgy.  We headed outside and that helped.  Sat on beaches by the water and soaked up some sun and fresh air.  Jason made us some really good, healthy food.  That was good.

I wasn't as great with exercising as I could have been, and that's my bad for not fitting it in to my schedule.  I also missed a day of meditation when Jason invited me to stay Saturday night and when I'm at my high worry times, missing meditation is noticeable.

I also cleaned.  Not the dusting and cleaning that I've put off for a while, I did that mid-week, I mean I tidied.

Having things lying about my place isn't my favourite thing on a good day but when I'm worried?  Tidying things up really helps settle my mind.

So does writing lists.

Getting the feeling of "I HAVE TOO MUCH TO DO!" physically out onto paper somehow lets my mind rest a bit.

So Sunday night I tidied up a few things that were laying about, I wrote lists, I got fresh air and vacuumed my car, took out the trash and recycling, and made time to meditate.

It just takes things down a notch.  Which helps a lot.

In the moment, and long term too.

Monday, 14 July 2014

Just Breathing

Soooooo I was out and about this weekend (a glorious weekend if I may say so) and I (boldly!?) jumped into a conversation between strangers when I overheard one of them mentioning Burning Man.

"Are you going this year?"

"Yes.  I have two tickets but not sure who I'll be going with."

And my brain wanted to dance around.

I didn't want to be rude and say SELL ME YOUR EXTRA TICKET but I did so I just mentioned that hey, I have someone who really needs a ticket and I'm sure he'd love to buy yours.

We exchanged emails and messaged back and forth a few times and I went ahead and emailed Connor.

"Connor, I may have a lead on a ticket, are you for sure not going this year?"

Because last I heard Connor had been denied his time off work.  This combined with him not having a ticket had him really discouraged and giving up on being able to go this year.

Which put me in the spot I've been trying not to be anxious about of not knowing if I can go, or how.  Because I really don't feel I can do the driving myself.  I don't feel like I'm comfortable enough with going with a stranger, either in my own vehicle or theirs.  In talking to the random guy the other day he suggested I could fly down and fit everything I needed into a duffle bag and rent a bike, but... I don't know, that just doesn't seem like what I'd want to do, but I suppose it would be an option if I had to.

So I emailed Connor and he called me back right away.  He was excited to hear I maybe had a lead on a ticket, and he was going to go in to work and talk to them again about time off.

He called me an hour later.  He'd gotten permission to take the time!

I think I cried.  I was so relieved and excited and still wanting to be cautiously optimistic but all of a sudden I had someone (I know) who was able to travel down with me, and able to bring my gear back for me if work won't give me all the time off I'm requesting.  (Let's not talk about my stress level there either, mkay?)

So yeah... I'm trying to just stay calm because it still might maybe possibly not work out (if we can't get a ticket for Connor) but dudes... it's so much closer than it was a week ago. 

Which is funny, because I had a couple of hours of jubilation and OMG I'M ACTUALLY GOING!!!! And... that turned into... OMG I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!

Which is not really true, but it did send me into a higher gear of putting together playa gifts (I'm making little necklaces this year like the one I was given and loved last year) and that made it all the more real too.  I don't have a lot to do but my anxiety and worry about it has shifted gears slightly.

Before, I was worried about the IF I would get there.  Or the HOW I would IF I would get there.

Now that it's more likely I WILL get there, I'm worried about... what that looks like.

Because as it stands right now it would be just Connor and I.  Which means higher gas costs (split between two of us rather than four of us) and that's not a huge deal but what if we get tired of each other?  What if we don't want to hang out together?  Or if I don't want to hang out with him?  And the real crunch of it all... I'm going there alone.  Pretty much.  Because yes, Connor and I know each other, are friends, get along, all of it, but I won't have a "person" there.  Not Jay or my co-worker or anyone.  I don't know anyone who's close to me who's going.  So there's part of me that's worrying about what it all will look like.

Sure, I did things on my own last year, but I also always had in the back of my mind that I was going to meet up with Jay later.  And Jay and I had some really nice cuddle times and chilling doing awesomely random things that are now great memories times.  I'm sure Connor and I will make some great random memories too but it's just that I can't visualize what all it will look like.

Which, is not my favourite thing.

It's funny, maybe Burning Man is just always going to push some of my buttons.  Not knowing exactly what's going to happen.  Possibly needing to go through the entire thing by myself without the safety blanket of a "person" there for me, no comfort zone other than myself.  I don't like doing things by myself, I like to have someone to share with but... this may not happen.

Or, it could turn out that Connor and I have a blast hanging all week and it's just perfectly balanced.  Or we could camp next to people who turn out to be our new BFFs or we could travel with someone else last minute and all this worry will be for nothing.

Which, I mean, that's part of what I'm trying to learn right?  No point in worrying about it when it's going to be whatever it's going to be.

But I'll tell you, watching my worries shift from one thing to the other, and then seeing how that ratcheting up of anxiety sent off a bunch of other worries was interesting.  Good that I was able to observe it if not avoid it.

So, yeah.  Connor needs a ticket.  I really hope that happens.  I would like to get a longer time off of work than I've currently been told I can have, and I really hope that happens.  But... things are progressing positively.  Later in the year than I would have liked, but still... letting things go... breathing... trusting... breathing... trying to chill.  Did I mention breathing?



Deep breath.

Saturday, 12 July 2014


Well, I just sat here and had about three different things I was going to say but I got distracted by texts and now they're all gone... sigh.

So... random things.

Right this minute I swear I can smell wet carpet.  Like the smell of someone getting their carpets cleaned.  Not sure where the smell's coming from and don't feel like investigating.

I'm also hungry.  But want to be sort of junk food-y but also want to be sort of healthy.  Should probably drink some water and go from there.  Bah.

I'm re-watching the O.C.  It came into my brain as a sort of craving out of nowhere and I'm just going with it.  Let's pretend I never mentioned it but oh man such great music, eh?

Wait, it's the weekend, isn't it?  Why am I worrying about what my brain was trying to say?  It's brain-holiday time, wheeeee!

Friday, 11 July 2014

The Incident

Soooooo.... I lost my sleeping bag.

Kind of.

I was pretty sure I'd put it back into C-Dawg's basement, but she couldn't find it.  Wasn't a big deal because I figured I could just buy a new one but last time I was over there, I decided to take a look through the basement myself.  So cell phone "flashlight" in hand, I managed to find my sleeping bag hurrah!

Now, I didn't bother cleaning it when I got back from Burning Man so it had been put away as is.  I hadn't thought it was that dusty but when I took it out (in anticipation of a possible camping trip this month) it smelled a little musty and I could see a bit of dust on it.

I didn't think I'd bother cleaning it but then the other weekend I figured I may as well give it a shot.

Jason had suggested I take it to get dry cleaned, but I figured I'd safe myself some money (and chemicals) and just clean it myself.

My apartment building has shared laundry facilities so the machines are a bit bigger than standard and I figured it'd work just fine.  I stuffed my bag in and figured I'd put in a little less than the usual amount of detergent, but since I wanted the thing clean I would still make sure it got cleaned.

I always set my kitchen timer and when the thing went off I headed back down, twoonie in hand, to switch the bag over from washer to dryer.

Except... no.

Uh oh.

I guess I didn't really think things through and/or really understand the whole warning label about "oversudsing" but what I walked into in the laundry room was a front loading washing machine that was full of bubbles and suds.


So, not really sure what else to do to cover my tracks, I used my twoonie to put the entire thing through another wash cycle, with the hopes it would wash out the soap and bubbles.

Yeah, no.

Thought for a bit this time, two twoonies in hand.  I pulled out the bag (spilling masses of bubbles all over the floor in the meantime and tried to scrape off some of the soapy suds into the sink.  Got it all over the floor in the process so went back to my apartment to grab some towels to clean the floor (did not want to call the resident manager for a mop!)

I separated the bag into two sides and ran them both through a no-added-soap wash and things were a bit more normal when I got back down there.

So, long story short, I now have a fresh, clean sleeping bag, and I now know what "oversudsing" means!

Ta da!

Thursday, 10 July 2014


Change being the only constant (so they say but I don't know how much I believe them on it being the "only" constant...but anyway) I thought I'd sort of try to bring you guys up to speed with regards to things with Jason.

To recap (ie. Last week on "name of tv show here") things haven't been great.  I've had a really bad week or two and gotten through some personal things the relationship has brought up.  We tried to reconnect a bit and life threw stuff at us and that's sort of where we're at, I guess.

Right now, as of the moment of my fingers typing this out things are good.  With me, at least.

Things with Jason and I aren't resolved, life isn't as pretty as the movies make it seem but we have communicated really openly, honestly and clearly over the last few days and it's been what we both needed.

So right now I'm feeling good.  Good because at the very least I've had the experience of being really honest with someone I care about and having been heard.  I've stood up and said what I felt, but I've also been able to be more mature.  Not that I didn't storm out of his room heading home having given him the double middle fingers, but... ahem... I did at least stop, pause, take a breath and stomp back to his room and say "do you want me to leave or do you want me to stay and try to talk this out?"

So have I been 100% cool, calm, and collected in all this?  Oh hell no, but I've been not bad.  And once I got through the un-cool, un-calm, and un-collected, I felt better.  I'm not expecting anything, I'm keeping my "gee I secretly hope it goes this way" under control and I'm being honest.  I'm not mincing words... I'm not pretending I feel any differently than how I feel.

And I think it's really good for us.

Jason has said from the beginning that no matter what he'll always be a friend in my life.  I don't have that experience with a lot (any?) of exes but I do feel like I see how if we establish this level of communication and trust and openness we might just pull that off even if we don't end up being romantic partners.

Not that that's what I want to happen, but... anyway, I'm just saying, this feels right now that no matter what, it's good for us that we've talked like this.

I don't know, I'm not even sure if this is making sense anywhere other than in my head and my gut but right now things are fine.  I feel fine.  Nothing's fixed, might just be in repair.  (Great, now I'm singing John Mayer...)

So, yeah, I thought I'd say that.  Say that I'm feeling good right in this moment, because I don't always get to writing that down, I don't always remember to take the time to say "I'm good" here...because often here is the place I come to self-soothe and to vent and to talk things out.

Don't know how I'll feel at any other time;  later, tomorrow, next week, month, whatever, but right this moment?

I'm ok.  I'm fine.  I'm good.

There you go.

Wednesday, 9 July 2014

On Writing

I was thinking this weekend as I sat and typed some things out on my laptop that writing is a solitary thing.

See I was fussing in my head about the fact that Jason was working Saturday and so didn't have time to see me and then the next thought was "oh, well, I need to write some posts for next week anyway, and I couldn't do that if I was seeing him."

Which, I guess I'd never really thought about that before.

I can only speak for myself while assuming many others are the same way but I write alone.  I can't write and carry on a conversation.

If I'm in the middle of a thought or telling a story or writing out something, a phone call can throw me right off.

Sometimes, I can even distract myself and lose whatever it was I was trying to say, but yeah, writing is a solitary event.

Even when I'm writing about a connection or relationship with someone else I'm doing so alone.

I'm not complaining about it, just noticing it.

I like to write.  I think I actually *need* to write.

But it's not a social thing.

Just me, alone with my thoughts.

Go figure.

Tuesday, 8 July 2014

If You're Young(er)

If you're young(er) and exercising, enjoy it.

No, seriously.  Because I'm not old, but I'm not super young anymore and exercising is trickier.

Things hurt a lot easier.  Get hurt a lot easier.  Take longer to feel better, tweak and twinge at the smallest of provocations.

That time you slammed your foot into the shopping cart two summers ago means you can't run without pain.  Sometimes can't walk without pain, and I know these things happen to young(er) people too but more and more I hear my friends and I recovering from injuries that didn't used to happen.

C-Dawg keeps popping her rib out.  Doesn't know if it's the weeding that did it, or the running, or just sleeping on it weird.

Because, yeah, all of a sudden you can sleep weird and be in pain the next day, next week it's ridiculous.

So if you're younger and you feel stiff and sore but you've got no aches and pains or popped ribs or broken toe fragments or tweaked backs or S.I. injuries, frigging enjoy that.

Trust me, enjoy being able to throw yourself about with abandon.

Oh, and drink more water.

It won't do anything but good.
Please don't steal stuff from here, it's not nice. But leave a comment, why don't cha? And drink more water. It's good for you.

P.S. If you think you know me? You probably don't. If you're sure you know me? Pretend you don't. I'll never admit I know what you're talking about anyway.

P.P.S. All this stuff is copyright from then til now (Like, 2006-2014 and then some.) Kay? Kay.