...

I almost can't talk about it.

Really.

I'm so very hurt and embarrassed and humiliated and just awful right now.

I was told once, that you should never say something behind someone's back you wouldn't say to their face and here's a good example of why I wish everyone would think a little more before they spoke. Because sometimes you say something you never intend for someone to hear but they do.

And I did.

When I got Cary's disappointing email, I called my friend to let her know he'd emailed, and that I was bummed because it was clear from the email that things weren't going anywhere.

As we were talking, her husband called on the other line and I guess she mentioned that Cary had finally emailed me back because when she came back on the line with me she was laughing. "Well, that's funny, because when he told Cary that he'd given you his email and he hoped that was ok, I guess Cary asked him if you were a Cougar."

I didn't laugh.

I was stunned, actually.

The term, for those of you who don't know it or use it, refers to an older woman, usually in her 40s who is looking to sleep with a much younger man. Usually in his 20s. At best? A Cougar is Demi Moore dating and marrying the 15 year younger Ashton Kutcher. Or possibly Samantha from Sex in the City; an over-sexed almost lecherous older woman who scores a hot young model.

At worst, it's an over the hill, somewhat desperate woman who goes after younger men. Much younger men. A Cougar is tacky, slutty, all about the sex. Not respected.

So, not something you'd want to be called. Especially when you're nowhere near your 40s. And you're not going after men in their 20s.

I ended the call pretty quick and my friend immediately called me back apologizing.

"I'm sorry," she said. "Please don't take that the wrong way. I shouldn't have said anything. I happen to know Cary really liked an older woman and thinks Cougar is a good thing, so please don't be upset."

But upset is too light a term for how hurt I am.

You know how sometimes something quite little touches on what's a really deep insecurity for you and it becomes this huge thing? This devastation?

That's what this is for me.

See, I'm sensitive about my age. I've talked about it a little bit here, but I already feel like I missed out on getting a man when it was a good time for that, that I wish I'd met my husband in high school or University. That it's hard being single when your friends are getting married or already coupled. So I already am insecure about being single at my age. I'm already sensitive.

So to hear that a guy I thought was bright and interesting and intriguing, a guy who'd said we had chemistry thought I was not only older than him but significantly older than him really really hurts. Has devastated me.

Do I look that old? Do I look ten, fifteen years older than him?

I'm not. I'm maybe five years older than him, but do I look it? Act it? Where is this coming from? Didn't I leave his hotel room, so didn't I shut him down? Isn't he the one who told me I was hot? So, wasn't he the one who was interested in me? Since when did I become the older woman chasing him?

And putting the age thing aside, which is hard enough, is me emailing him enough of an act that it looks like I'm throwing myself at him? That I'm chasing him, trying to lure and capture him?

I am so so humiliated. I can't even begin to explain it.

I know that you, and any other friends I talk to about this will tell me flat out that this guy is a loser and a jerk and immature and wrong, but I'm not ready to go there yet.

I'm not ready for this to be about him because I'm still hurt and insecure and rocking from the shame of it all.

I'm cringing that someone I was wondering about a future with thinks I'm an oversexed, eager, whore of an older woman.

Imagine what he'd think if I'd actually slept with him. Or kissed him.

Imagine how humiliated I'd feel if I'd done that. I can't even think about it, it's so bad.

But for right now I'm just hurt. I'm hurt and having to remind myself over and over that I'm young and attractive and beautiful and smart and wonderful and amazing and all sorts of good things because the voices that like to tell me bad things about myself are having a field day right now. An absolute field day.

I know I'll be ok, that this will go away soon enough, and I'm hoping that this hurt and embarrassment will soon turn to anger and that I'll move on and forget this, but right now I'm not in a good place with it all.

It's shame on top of insecurity on top of disappointment on top of sadness on top of regret on top of humiliation and wanting to curl up and die and erase myself from having gone to the wedding, having met him and having ever thought any positive thoughts towards him at all.

And if I can tell you anything out of this, it's that it's not really necessary to pass on hurtful things to people. And that you really should listen to Bambi's mother and if you can't say anything nice, you shouldn't say anything at all.

Because it hurts.

And sometimes the hurt can go deep.

And sometimes it scars.

So right now I'm trying not to let myself get scarred, I'm just trying to hold it together. I'm trying not to be confused and embarrassed and ashamed and hurt.

But damn, I'm hurt.