Boo!

Here's wishing everyone a very happy Halloween.

I hope you have a great time if you're going out and that you're taking a cab home if you're driving.

I hope you get lots of candy if you're taking little people out Trick or Treating or that you bought lots to give out but end up with tons of extras you're legally allowed to eat come late Sunday.

I hope you enjoy the holiday in whatever way works for you.

I'll be safe at home eating some goodies after a stroll through the neighbourhood to get just a little bit frightened in the dark.

Be safe and happy.

And bring on the discounted chocolate!

I Blame It On Marshall McLuhan

I was watching an episode of Modern Family (love that show!) last weekend and the youngest kid mentioned something about playing "Zombies v/s Plants"

Wanting to keep up with what those there young folks are talking about, I fired up my interwebs (ok, I was already online watching the show) and found the site for Zombies v/s Plants.

And then I decided since it was the weekend and I was relaxing and had nowhere to be, I could see what kind of a game it was.

And then it was two hours later.

And I'd won every single level.

And totally enjoyed it.

Which means a tv show corrupted my mind.

Very easily.

Brain On Strike

I really don't feel like writing anything today so I decided to re-copy (wait, is that even a word?) an old blog post of mine (actually copied from someone else too) to see if anything new came up different from last time. Wow, this has been an excellent first paragraph. Can you see why I don't feel like writing? So here goes:

Here's what I gone and done. Again.
1. Put iTunes on shuffle so that random songs come up.
2. Pressed play.
3. Wrote down each song as the answer to each question as it came up.
4. Laughed hysterically at times and nodded wisely at others.

Q. What would best describe your personality?
A. You Never Can Tell (Chuck Berry)
I guess that means I'm unpredictable?

Q. If some one says it's okay you say...
A. Love Song (Sky)
Because everyone knows love's ok.

Q. What do you like in a guy?
A. I'm Blue (Eifel 65)
Well, apparently I'm looking to date a Naavi. This may explain why I'm having difficulty finding someone to date? (Wow, this is a really annoying song. Why do I still have it in my music library?)

Q.How do you feel today?
A. Hey Joe (Jimi Hendrix)
Well, I guess the title means that I'm feeling friendly? But the song itself, kinda sexy no?

Q.What is your life's purpose?
A. Waiting On An Angel (Ben Harper)
Awwwwww!

Q. What is your motto?
A. Bubble Toes (Jack Johnson)
Yup. Bubble toes man. Bubble toes.

Q. What do your friends think of you?
A. Look What You've Done (Jet)
I guess that would mean they're proud of me and everything I've done :)

Q. What do you think of your friends?
A. Blackbird (Beatles Cover by Sarah McLachlan)
As in, they're beautiful and add joy to my life.

Q. What do you think of your parents?
A. Green Spandex (Xavier Rudd)
Cool and funky and rare. (Actually, the words to this song are quite beautiful and moving and make me think of my Mom)

Q.What do your parents think of you?
A. Journey to the Center of the Mind (Ted Nugent and the Amboy Dukes)
Wow. They think I think a lot or something?

Q. What do you think about very often?
A. Eight Days A Week (The Beatles)
Well, only if the extra day is another weekend day!

Q. What do you think of your best friend(s)?
A. More Than Words (Extreme
Awwwwwwwww! That's so true!

Q. What do you think of the person you love?
A. Push It (Salt 'N Pepa)
Ha!

Q.What is your life story?
A. Come Together (The Beatles)
Interesting. . .

Q. What do you want to be when you grow up?
A. Riverboat Fantasy
A riverboat captain, apparently!

Q. What do you think when you see the person you love?
A. Because (The Beatles)
Fair enough.

Q. What is your hobby/interest?
A. Masochism Tango (Tom Lehrer)
Oh no.

Q. What will they play at your funeral?
A. Naked As We Came. (Iron & Wine)
Actually, they could. . .

Q. What is your biggest secret?
A. Magic Carpet Ride (Steppenwolf)
No idea.


So that was fun! I forgot I have a ton of music I don't listen to as much. Or, in some cases, at all!
I should put iTunes on shuffle more often.

Later skaters, I've got me some music to listen to.

Mind Games

I freaked myself out the other day.

As in, sat up in bed, heart racing freaked myself out. Over a guy.

See, a professional (if you can call them that which you can't really, but I know what I mean) runner came in to our run clinic to talk to us about injury prevention and I thought he was cute.

Now, this is nothing unusual as I tend to find elite runners attractive. A little bit crazy, but cute.

So I went home and googled this guy, again, nothing new. (I google all cute guys I might be interested in. Let's me see what I might be getting myself into. It's also one of the reasons I try not to be google-searchable. I like double standards that work in my favour.)

I googled him and noticed that he went to the same southern United States Unversity as one of my exes (also a runner) went to. Didn't think much of it though as there tend to be schools that are well known for their running programs and my ex had started down in the States and then come up to UVic for a while before leaving to head back home. (Taking one of my favourite rings with him because he promised me he'd be back and would return it then kind of like a promise ring but then he gave it to someone else and I nearly exploded but that's a whole other story and bitter much? Yes.)

As I was falling asleep that night, I thought about how this guy Drew had maybe been looking at me funny while he gave his talk and isn't it interesting how he had gone to the same university as my ex Andy. And then, as the mind often does in the half-asleep way it has, my brain went Oh Shit. What was Andy's full name? Andrew. What's another name for Andrew? Drew. Oh my God, this hot runner guy was my ex. And that's why he was looking at me funny and how could I have not recognized him, but maybe I did because it's been so long and his eyes do kind of look the same and what am I going to do?

But as I sat there in bed, freaking out, heart beating three thousand miles a minute I realized that, I needed to calm down and think rationally.

They'd both gone to Arkansas. Or was it Alabama. They'd both gone to the same college. Of course, they were the same person.

And Andy had obviously grown older and decided to change his name. Except...

Except, why doesn't "Andy" seem right. Crap, what was that ex's name?

Wait, no! Andy's name hadn't, actually been Andy, it had been Anthony. Tony for short. Not Drew or Andrew or oh man was that ever a close one.

Not sure why it was a close one other than I wasn't sure what I was going to do if the runner guy had been Drew or Andy or whatever/whoever I thought he was. But man, it was the weirdest thing.

I told S that I'd freaked myself out by thinking I couldn't even recognize my own ex-boyfriend when he was standing right in front of me, and she just thought it was funny that I'd forgotten an ex's name.

Which I guess it kind of was.

Is.

Running Update

I've been in the learn to run clinic for over a month now and the run portions of our run/walk combo are getting longer.

Way, way longer than I'd have ever thought I could run or jog or shuffle along. I mean, I look ahead in the schedule and apparently in a month or so, we'll be running for ten minutes straight. My brain tells me there is absolutely no way I can do this.

But, my brain also told me when I saw the first half of the schedule that there was no way I'd be able to run for five minutes straight, and I have, so I'm pretty sure my brain might be wrong on this one.

My body, however? I'm not so sure of. I'm doing pretty well in terms of aches and pains and have been given some extra strengthening exercises and if one more physio tells me I have to strengthen my core I may just start to believe them. (No, that was supposed to be funny Physio Man, I promise I'll do my exercises.)

But the cardio is hard.

Sometimes.

It's weird, because each week, we go up a minute and the run I do with the clinic group is fine. Not easy, necessarily, but fine. But then when I do my practice runs it's not always as easy.

I've run by myself and had a difficult time, I've run with S and had a difficult time (yesterday she was literally running circles around me, I just couldn't find any energy), but I've also had some ok times by myself and S and I run together on clinic nights so I never know what it is that's making things harder than the last time.

In general, as long as I can keep my mental status positive, I'm doing well. But if I start to feel like I'm slow or holding someone back or something like that it just gets harder, so a lot of it is me telling myself I'm doing fine and that slowness/speed isn't important, it's just important that I'm doing it.

So, the short version of the update is that I'm running a gazillion minutes and then walking for a minute and I'm doing that a thousand times. Or maybe six.

Sometimes it just feels like more.

But I am interested to see how the next few weeks go and how my body reacts and holds up and how my cardio (hopefully) improves.

And I'm interested to see if I continue to discover just how stubborn I can be when I set my mind to something.

Which, so far, has been very.

I'll Stop Soon, I Promise*

We were expecting our first storm of the season here this weekend, and for nearly two days straight we had the glaring red "Wind Warning!" at the top of the weather page and forecast.

Wind warning around here usually means branches down and power outages around some of the outlying communities and it usually means a night of windows rattling and being woken up by the howling, pushing, powerful wind.

All Friday evening and all Saturday day and evening things were odd, but not odd enough for the storm apparently. Some wind blew through Saturday night and Sunday morning we woke up to bigger leaf piles, but not really a wind warning aftermath.

I know, it's Hello, and welcome to Victoria's Weather Blog! around here these days but I can't help it, it's just all so... odd. Different.

I grew up on this coast and I've been in this town more than ten years and I know how it breathes and changes and I feel like I know the seasons and the weather really well. Or, at least pretty well. And this fall has been different.

It almost makes me nervous, but they're saying we have a week's worth of rain coming our way and if that happens, well, it'll feel like things are back to normal.

Just in time for Christmas.

What? They already have the stuff in the stores. What do you mean it's not even Halloween yet? THAT'S NOT WHAT THE STORES SAY!

Ahem.




*maybe

Y'all?

What's a really funny, fun, will make me smile and laugh kind of book you've read lately that I can read?

I've been reading some great books lately, but they're all a bit apocalyptic and somewhat harrowing and I think maybe I need one that'll just be a laughingly good, easy read.

Warning, Rant Ahead.

I don't think it's asking too much to have some male attention in my life.

And I know they say you should be careful what you ask for so let me say I don't think it's too much to ask to have some wanted, positive, giggle-inducing, happy-making, possibly the start of a good relationship male attention in my life.

I mean, I'm not asking for perfection, although I wouldn't turn it away if it showed up, I'm just asking to have an email from a someone in my in box every couple of days. To maybe have an email conversation going that makes me smile. To have someone I can meet for coffee and a walk along the beach front on these beautifully sunny days and to wonder if we weren't holding cups in our hands, might we be holding hands instead?

To have someone wonder how my day was and to have someone I can celebrate his good days with. To have someone, who when I accidentally touch their hand when grabbing something from him, my stomach jumps and I wonder what it's going to be like when we kiss, or more.

I don't think it's too much to ask to be able to sit and talk with my girlfriends about where the relationship's going and is it as awesome to them as it is to me, do they see the same in him as I do or am I blinded by his cuteness, his sense of humour, how awesome I think he is.

I don't think it's too much to want to be able to go to a boyfriend's sporting event and give him a big hug after, even though he warns me he's all sweaty. I don't think it's too much to ask to have someone in my life I can hang out with and do things with and go to movies and events with and then still get to kiss at the end of the night and maybe, after a while, well, other things.

I'm not even asking for someone to sleep with, I'm just saying that it shouldn't be so damn hard for the Universe to find me someone to get to know, to start a relationship with, to be my boyfriend.

I mean, it shouldn't be. Right? But then why does it seem to be?

Ok. Rant over.

For now.

I think.

*dramatic sigh*

I'm So Tie Tie

I had a cold a week or three ago and while I wouldn't say my energy is low from it, I am super super tired.

As in, last Friday, I went to bed at 9. And even then, I felt like I'd forced myself to stay up waaaaay later than I'd wanted to.

I've been coming home from work and wanting to go straight to bed but forcing myself to stay up and do things. You know, like eat dinner?

Mornings are tough too. Caffeine doesn't seem to put a dent in the tired so I'm alternating between tea and Coke. Yep. Coca-Cola first thing in the morning. My teeth must love me.

I'm going to start trying to get more protein too, and less sugar (see ironic Coke reference above) and more iron (I think I've slipped in my iron pill taking lately) and, well, I think I should just give in and let myself go to bed as early as I want for a week or so and see how I do.

So sleepy.

Tuck me in?

Wrapping Up

It feels like the weather keeps giving me things to talk about and write about these days but it's really Fall now.

How do I know this?

Well, it's still been beautiful and I'm still not needing my jacket by mid-day, but all of a sudden, I've needed a second blanket on my bed at night. I've turned on the radiator in my living room. And if that weren't enough, I can see my breath in the morning.

And there was frost on the ground this weekend. (Don't ask me why I was up early enough to discover this, I'm still not sure myself.)

I don't mind the chill. I love being able to have a hot shower after a cold walk (or run!) outside. I love throwing on a scarf and feeling protected against the morning briskness.

I love sliding into a cold bed and shivering just a little while waiting for it to warm up with my body heat.

It just seemed to happen very suddenly this year. Like, one morning it was normal and the next morning my breath was foggy. One afternoon I went for my usual walk and realized I'd be much cozier with a toque.

Seasons have shifted. It's really Fall.

Short Lived Hope

Well, the guy I was hoping might maybe turn into something?

Won't.

A friend of mine who's on the same dating site told me there's a way you can check your sent messages to see if someone's read them (which I had no idea you could do).

So I checked, and the guy had read my message and deleted it.

Which means I don't get to find out if we'd have gotten along or not.

Which is disappointing.

But at least I didn't get my hopes too far up or for too long.

Sigh.

And Downs

I had kind of a rough Sunday.

Which was too bad, because I'd had a great Saturday full of activities and fun and sunshine and friends and good food and glimpses of cute men.

I woke up on Sunday sad and heavy. Wanting to cry. Incredibly lonely.

I had an email from C-Dawg telling me she'd had a great night the night before, that she and her husband were starting to make good friends and while I was happy for her, genuinely, it made me sad.

Sad in a way that I couldn't figure out at first. So I chatted with her a bit, those weirdly silent tears sneaking out of my eyes for the entire conversation and then I went for a walk. Walked in the sunshine down to the post office to mail her off a care package; neither the first nor the last that's been sent her way.

I realized, at some point during my wander, that it felt like finding out an ex-boyfriend was dating again. This feeling of knowing C is starting to make friends while I'm still feeling lost and lonely and like a third-wheel of my lovely, but coupled friends.

So it's good, in a way, to know that the deep, heavy hurt I was feeling this morning is more about being single and lonely and maybe a little bit about being left behind, but I reminded myself that my friendship with C-Dawg is not like a relationship with an ex-boyfriend. C and I haven't ended anything, we'll always have our friendship, it's just that right now, we can't spend time together. I'll get to see her soon, in a few months and who knows, maybe some day (oh soon, please) she'll move back here and this will all just be something we went through, something we survived.

So, yes, I miss C, and I miss having her here in town just as much as I thought I would.

But I also miss having a boyfriend and all the things that go along with that and having C-Dawg gone makes that all the more apparent, because when she was here, being single wasn't quite as lonely as it is right now. It's easier for the smallest things to tip me into sadness these days.

I'm feeling better now; my Sunday mellowed out and up as it progressed. This week should be a busy one, which, while I'm not looking forward to it, I'm hoping will distract me from things.

But until then, I'll let myself cry if I need to. I promise.

Edge

Do you ever get the feeling like you're right on the edge of something? Like, something's almost here or almost going to change or flip or slide or I don't know just something?

I think I have an idea where this something is coming from in this particular case and I could be totally wrong, but maybe not.

I was flipping through online profiles a couple of weeks ago and I came across someone interesting. Interesting enough that I asked a few people if they knew who he was and someone did.

And that someone told me they knew him pretty well and had thought of us together at one point but then decided no, it wouldn't work. I told them I'd already messaged him and they told me not to expect an answer any time soon because he was out of town for the next few weeks.

Which means he's back soon.

Which could mean nothing.

Or could mean he'll answer my message and we'll see.

And maybe when we see things will work out so we'll meet and hit it off.

Or not.

So maybe it's just the anticipation of waiting and the relief of knowing someone who knows him and can therefore vouch for his good-guy status but I do feel, right now, like I'm on the edge of something that's about to happen. Something I can't predict or control.

And it's a little bit scary. No, not quite scary. Just, wobbly. Less than secure.

Food

I don't like eating. I don't even know if I really like food. But I know I don't like eating food.

I didn't realize this until I was in a nutritionist's office a few months ago and when I was describing what I normally eat she asked me what my favourite meals were. I didn't have an answer for her even though I can name a few foods I like. She put her pen down and looked at me thoughtfully. "Do you even like to eat?" she asked. And I had to think about it for a moment, but when I did, I was genuinely surprised to discover that the answer was no.

I know people who love to sit down to a meal every day and people who absolutely adore cooking and creating delicious things to make. I don't.

This recent celiac/gluten no gluten thing really had me struggling with food for a year or so, and the stomach pains I was going through before that really made eating more of a chore than anything else. Which, I suppose, is understandable when you're either restricted in what you can eat and nervous that you might accidentally ingest something that would kill you or are doubled over in pain every time you eat.

Add the pain, discomfort and worry to the fact that I never learned how to cook, and until recently never needed to (either living with my parents or a boyfriend who'd cook for us) and the fact that once I come home from work the last thing I want to do is figure out how to whip up a meal that won't make a mess of my tiny (and I do mean tiny: stretch out your arms, and that's more counter space than I have) kitchen or set off my smoke alarm and it's no wonder my freezer's full of microwaveable meals.

I do eat, mind you. But I will take something easy over something that needs to be made any day. So there are days, especially on weekends, where I'll go the entire day without eating a meal. I'll graze, snacking all day long until the day's over and I'm scratching my head trying to figure out if I actually ate any protein at all today, or, you know, anything other than what was tastiest and most easily grabbed.

I have good intentions and will print out recipes and buy all the ingredients and bring them all home and put them away but more often than not, the ingredients sit there unused until they go bad.

I'm lazy. I don't enjoy it. The process of cooking. And since I'm not one to enjoy the eating of the meals either, it all seems pointless.

I've put on some weight recently (not that anyone but my scale and my clothes and I have noticed) and I know it's down to the fact that once they told me I could try eating gluten after a year off, I went a little crazy. And while 10 pounds are hard to lose, they're as easy as pie to put on. Literally.

So now I'm trying to get control of how I eat. (The part where I grab whatever chocolates, sweets, ice cream or candy I can get my hands on whenever I'm upset or hurt or emotional or just want to is one I've been struggling with for a while.) I'm trying to really improve what I eat. (Going on iron supplements last year has helped my mood and energy enormously, but I also know how much better I feel and strangely enough, how much better I sleep when I've had protein. I also know that I should probably eat vegetables. Or, in the summer, I should probably eat more than just fruit.) And I'm trying to get to a place where I can a) enjoy cooking b) become quite good at it and c) enjoy eating what I cook.

It's all a big jumble though. The things I like to eat (taste wise) tend not to be the healthiest. But when I'm down or stressed or hurting or anything, they're my go-to fix and that's a huge issue. I'm lazy and don't like to or know how to cook. That's a big problem. I don't enjoy eating, don't look forward to the process of sitting down for a meal, so there's no motivation to learn to cook, overcome my laziness, or make better choices in how I deal with my emotions. It's all a jumbled contorted, confused pile of yuck and I don't know how to get to a place where it all smooths out and works.

Who ever thought such a necessary thing could be such a pain?

Oh!

I totally forgot to tell you, but last weekend I (No wait, was it two weekends ago? Anyway.) went to see Who's Live Anyway (a live improv show with the guys from Who's Line Is It Anyway) which was seriously so amazingly funny and I forget how talented people are and my cheeks hurt from smiling so much.

All of the guys were hilarious and quick and the crowd was great and the musical numbers were so so impressive.

But do you know what I discovered that I hadn't known before? Chip Esten, when you see him live, in person, in action?

Is hot.

Like, seriously.

There was just something about him that if he'd asked, I would probably have thrown my panties at him.

You know, all in the name of comedy of course.

But I digress. If the show comes near you this year or next or any time, really, go. It was so much fun.

So.

My Brain Is Weird

Do you ever wonder what the human equivalent of squirrel nut hiding is?

I mean, I guess money is the obvious thought, but we don't really dig holes and hide our money all over our lawns.

I would say that chocolate is my equivalent because sometimes I try to hide a bar or two secretly around my kitchen, but I always remember where I hid them so it doesn't really work out that well.

Maybe it's our bad habits. We try to hide them from other people but aren't willing to make them go away entirely?

I have no idea what I'm talking about. And that's ok.

I think.

The Best

The best best thing I did this weekend surprised me. Surprised me with how much I enjoyed it and what a great experience it was.

Sunday, which, yes, was the 10th of the 10th of the 10th and such, was also the day of a Marathon here in town.

The 10K I participated in earlier this year was the first kind of event like that I'd been in or been anywhere near and I remember how awesome it was to see regular people out on the side of the course cheering us on. It was touching to have people come out and just be there for those of us who were trying to do this thing whether we were walking or running or some combination of the two.

So when my run clinic leader suggested we go out this weekend and cheer on people in the Marathon I thought why not?

I grabbed myself a tea in the morning and headed down to the waterfront portion of the race and I stood there.

I stood there and I cheered.

I cheered and I clapped and I encouraged and I gave thumbs up and when I could read their names on their shirts I told them they were doing awesome.

I was so proud of them, these strangers of all ages and sizes and shapes, all determined and focussed on completing this very challenging, difficult thing. It was awesome and awe-inspiring and I am so glad I went down to be a part of morally supporting and cheering on the marathoners.

There was something amazing about having a stranger look you in the eyes and say thank you when you told them they were doing great. To have someone struggling physically, nod at you when you threw some encouragement their way.

I think it helped me, knowing how awful it can feel to run and how much it can take sometimes to push through when it hurts and you don't want to and you're wondering why you thought this was a good idea in the first place. I'd always imagined people who ran marathons were these super elite athletes and that maybe they were all tall and thin and....perfect. To see these ordinary, every day people doing this and knowing to some extent how bad some of them must be feeling really made me want to do or say whatever I could in the hopes that it would help someone just a little.

I don't know, but somehow I ended up being out there for over three hours. If I could have pushed people with my mind I would have. And the strangest, most awesome thing about it? I feel like I got so much more from being there and watching and cheering than I could possibly have given them.

I didn't know what to expect when I went out to cheer on the Marathon. Maybe that I'd cheer for a few minutes, finish my tea and head back home having seen Olympic-type runners doing their thing. What I got was a three hour boost to my spirit.

It was, by far, the best best best part of my weekend.

Awesome.

The Leaves

For the Canadians out there, I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving long weekend and that you get to spend some time with loved ones and that your stomachs get filled but not too full.

Happy Thanksgiving lovelies!

Now let me ask you something, because it's been a while since I've done that...

What's your favourite thing about Fall? What do you like most about the season?

Is That All?

I've figured out what it takes for me to overcome my shyness and talk to an attractive man.

Give him ice cream.

See, with the weather being so fantastically summery last week my mind felt like it *was* Summer and Summer is all about cute boys and ice cream and the beach and relaxing.

So I went for a walk with a cute (non-straight, don't get your hopes up) boy friend of mine and we went down to the beach and relaxed and then we wandered home.

I know pretty well where in town you can find ice cream and where we were, there's nowhere that sells ice cream.

So imagine my shock and surprise when I saw an attractive man walking down the street towards us holding a cone of ice cream.

I looked around suspiciously to see if an ice cream stand had magically appeared overnight and when I didn't see one I walked straight up to the guy.

"Hi. Excuse me!" I said, bold as brass, actually waving at him.

"Yes, hello, hi." He answered, assuming from the boldness of my approach that we already knew each other.

"Where'd you get that ice cream?" I demanded, my eyes wide, hands clasped in excitement.

"Oh. Right in there." He said, pointing to a nearby coffee shop that I hadn't been in in a while. (Obviously)

"Awesome! Thank you!" I practically shouted, resisting the urge to hug my new hero.

I high-tailed it to the shop, my friend laughing to himself behind me.

"What's so funny?" I asked, already checking out the flavour choices.

"Well, I thought you were going to ask him out. He was such a good looking guy."

"Was he? Really? All I noticed was his ice cream. I needed to know where he got it. It was important."

So apparently ice cream's all it takes to make me un-shy. Go figure.

Here's The Truth

I want to be afraid and do it anyway.


Dare - Change

Odd

I had a massive craving on the way home from work the other day. One of those "I can almost taste it in my mouth and want it right now" kind of cravings.

For salt and vinegar chips.

Then, a couple of days later, I had the same craving and I cursed myself for not buying some salt and vinegar chips because me want NOW!

The only thing is?

I hate salt and vinegar chips.

Like a lot.

So I'm now trying to figure out what exactly it means when you crave something you don't even like. Is my stomach playing practical jokes on me?

Changed

You know how the other week I was talking about how the weather was all wacked out and crazy rain thundery? And how before that I was mentioning how it had gotten chilly and dark and dreary and that Fall was here and the weather was confirming autumn's arrival?

Well last week was completely the opposite.

All week we had glorious, gorgeous, warm sunny days. Sure, the mornings you still needed a jacket, but once the day got started it was amazing. Just beautiful. It was as if we were getting the tail end of summer that's usually ours in September, but it was delayed by three weeks or so.

Not that I'm complaining, it's been an absolute delight and I'm going to keep on enjoying as much of it as is here. (That made sense... right?)

It was such a noticeable shift from the cold rainy greys to this stunning, warm bright sunshine.

Just when you think you know what's going on.

Here's to the good changes.

Um

October?

Um. Since when did it not be August or maybe I mean July because October? How and when?

Looking over the blog, I seem to have posted during September, which would suggest that I was, indeed awake throughout the month, but then again, I could have just set them all up to post at the end of August and then somehow time-travelled through the month or something because I'm not sure I know how it all of a sudden got to be October.

I might not have even known it was October, but the witch costumes and piles of candy (mmmmm) in the stores alerted me.

So I bought some candy and went home to check the calendar and sure enough it's already October.

Did anyone else miss the month of September? Or did it just fly by for me?

Random Thought Of The Day

I didn't eat enough raspberries this summer.

I don't know why, maybe I got distracted by all the other fruit, but I bought a (what do you call the little boxes?) bunch of them the other day and they were so so good and I realized I don't know if I bought any raspberries at all this summer.

And I realized I also don't feel like eating apples. I usually don't mind apples and that's what you're supposed to start eating at this time of year but I've been enjoying late summer fruits and berries and apples just seem so dull. And big. And... not fruit salad.

Forever

His name was Steffan.

We all called him Fen. Amongst other things.

Fin-Ter. Fender. Lego-Legs.

I didn't know him. Didn't know anyone heading into my first year of high school.

I'd lived away the year before, my friends were all a year ahead and moved on and I was new and shy and quiet. Unsure of how to make friends. Sensitive to social rejections real or imagined.

I joined band. The only elective I had free that year, my other courses already spoken for by the program I'd moved high schools for. Played the flute. One of several girls sitting pretty in our chairs while the rest of the instruments made real noise, serious hoots and clashes.

I'd wanted to play drums, percussion, so I'd steal glances at that section whenever we had a break. Or were warming up. Or packing up.

And that's where I first saw Fen.

Fen played the bass. Electric. Stood just behind the percussionists with their kettle drums and snare drum and cymbals . He seemed shy too. I don't know how I knew this; there's sometimes just a feeling of kindred spiritedness with other shy people that I can't explain. Maybe it's the smile our eyes have when they catch, before they look away, but he seemed shy. Except with me.

Not that we talked. But he made me laugh. He'd do silly things when he'd catch me looking. I have a clear memory of him spinning around and around on the floor, his hand on his sheet music as if he were a human top. He always had a smile for me; a twinkle in his eyes. Eyes that weren't quite hidden behind his hair.

I don't remember when we first talked, or how or why, but I was nervous of him. Hell, I was nervous of everyone, but something about him was both comforting and nervous-making.

But safe. And scary. All at once.

Fast forward through months and a year and Fen and I are friends. Not hang-out-at-the-mall friends, but friends nonetheless.

He's sort of on the fringe and I never feel like I fit in anywhere and maybe this is why I feel safe with him.

We have conversations deep at night that teenagers have no right or need to be having. I tell him that my soul looks like quicksilver. He tells me his is sealed in a box with curtains covering the only window and he'd open the curtains for me and for his wife. No one else.

It's never romantic between us. Probably because we're both scared. And shy. The idea of being with him terrifies me. Terrifies me because it'd be too much. Too intense. Too close. He'd know me.

I don't know where our life would take us. I'm still scared of him. Utterly terrified of letting him that close.


I move away, he writes me once. A letter I still have. Talking about memories from high school. Shared stories. The one time I yelled at him because I thought I saw him smoking.

Remember? He writes. I was flicking off the crumbs from a fig newton.

I smile, my eyes laughing as if he's back across the band room from me.

Later that year he starts dating someone. Has a girlfriend. I'm broken hearted. Had never imagined he'd move on from me. Never imagined he'd kiss anyone unless it was me. But I tell him I hope he's happy and I remind him about the time his lizard jumped when he was feeding it and latched onto his nose because I want to laugh.

I keep the crying until I'm off the phone.

I let him slide away.

My second or third year away from home we reconnect. He says he has friends in town. He'll come visit. Stay with them. We can meet up. See each other. Go out. Talk.

I know this is it. Can feel it in my bones that if I meet up with him we'll end up talking into the night and once the sky grows dark we'll kiss. His lips will touch mine and it'll all be over. I'll follow him everywhere. Follow him into his lifestyle that's so very different from mine. So very free and wild and full of adventure and nowhere near the safe, close, normal, expected life I've built for myself. So I let the phone ring.

The night he comes to town and we're supposed to meet up, I let the phone ring.

I don't pick it up. I don't answer. I don't take a risk and see what happens.

I don't jump.

I don't try.

I don't find out what it would be like to be held by him, embraced by him, physically, not just emotionally loved by him.

I let him slide away.

I send him Christmas cards, hear from him once. I apologize for being too scared to meet up with him. And then he's gone. Out of my life. I don't hear from him again.

He doesn't exist outside of my memory. None of my friends have kept in contact with him and he's a non-presence on the world wide web. I know this because I search for him regularly.

Until I found him.

A few months ago, one of my random searches of his name popped up with a website. And you know how the internet works, so a few clicks later I found a picture of him.

Older.

Mature. A man.

The boy I'd loved and known is a man. A man who doesn't look like the boy I knew. A man who may not have anything of that boy left in him. A stranger. A man living as an artist. Living the life I wasn't brave enough to pursue.

But above all the rest; a man I don't know.

And I wish I knew him. Wish I was the woman standing next to him.

But this incarnation, this version of me isn't, wasn't ready for that. I don't know who I'd be now if I'd met him that night. Don't know who I'd be if I'd moved into his place back in grade 10 after a painful fight with my parents when he offered; said his Mom wouldn't mind.

I miss him. My Fen. Steffan.

I miss the feeling of having my heart living safely in another person, and having that person in the background of my life.

Fen will always be in my life, he was so much of my growing up. Was my anchor during my worst years, my light and steady rock when I was drowning and flailing and hopeless and dark.

Fen understood and never had to say anything and he was always there. I always knew he'd be there, and I'm sorry I let that slide.

I've stopped sending him Christmas cards; I asked him to contact me if he was still getting them.

He didn't, so I won't send them anymore.

I know this hasn't explained it, this post. Hasn't explained enough the connection we had, the safety I felt just knowing he existed in my life. I'll never be able to put into words what Fen was and is to me and for me and who he is and the spirit that I hope he's now letting free, but I love him and am so grateful to have had him in my life when I did and I'm so grateful a part of my heart and soul and spirit will always have him safely inside.

I wouldn't be here without him. Never imagined he'd grow up.

But we both did.

Love you, Fen.