My Dad's had some more test results back and things are. . . unsure. He's got a couple of unrelated health concerns and it'll be a few more weeks until we can get him in for a test for one of them which will either be a relief or . . . very much not. We're hoping for good.
They've also found something else with his heart and so he'll be going in for open heart surgery to repair that.
When we talk about the worst case scenario it suddenly seems both completely unreal and too too close.
So just when things there were feeling like maybe they were settling, we've been shaken up again and some days I'm barely hanging on.
I've been muddling around with the need to go see someone since Dad first got sick months ago, but somehow it's felt like if I didn't go, it wasn't serious enough. Sort of, if I went and talked to someone, it would all become real.
But that thinking has gotten me nowhere good. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt.
I'm a good coper.
I cope well.
But I also can tell when I'm getting to my limits and I reached one last week.
As I mentioned, J.S. sent me an email checking in on how my Dad was doing and when I said whatever babbled answer I gave, she suggested I get grief counseling.
I read that and burst into tears.
Which is maybe a good indication that she's right.
I have no stigma when it comes to counseling or therapy or whatever professional help is needed. I've been through both and have been helped by both so it's funny that I'm so resistant to it this time. Guess I just don't want to admit it's real.
In terms of what's going on in my life right now, I'm in a tough place.
And when I'm in a tough place it touches on everything.
So I'm not just hurting about my Dad, the emotions are also touching on how I feel about being single and my insecurities there and it's all really big picture stuff.
When I cry, it's big.
Michael's lovely proposal to Holly in The Office? I cried and cried and cried.
Then I rewound it and cried all over again. Soaking my shirt kind of crying.
During all this, I'm talking to C-Dawg a lot. A lot of emails that are just blabbing about what's going on and how I'm feeling about it. Kind of like this blog, it's more about the writing and getting it out than it is about getting answers from any one, but somehow in the writing and her thoughts, I get insight into me and where I am and where I should or could be.
So I feel like if I get through this and can learn and grow, I'll come out of it a better person.
I just wish it was easier.
Less tiring.
