Something In The Water Maybe?

I came down with something this weekend.

Something I can only call "The Grumpies" but that's not really what it was. It was more like the "I woke up on Saturday morning knowing that the weekend wasn't going to be long enough to make it ok that I had to work again on Mondays." Ever get those?

I was disappointed that the promised snow didn't arrive, but I was happy to sit all Saturday watching little baby snows drift down. No accumulation, but it's still pretty.

Sunday brought rain and watching the snow start to melt away. That always bums me out. It's like the day after Christmas when there are no more presents under the tree; the grass starts to show again and everything goes back to normal and it all just seems dull.

It was weird to feel so blah this weekend because I actually had two fun nights and I had good sleeps and I should have been feeling happy, but I just had the grumps.

The hardest thing was not wanting to move from my couch. I really had to force myself out to exercise. The idea of putting on clothes that weren't my pjs or sweats seemed like a massive waste of energy.

I took myself to the gym on Sunday, so I'm happy about that, but still? The grumpies.

I don't really know where they came from or why they picked on me. They weren't even that bad, just really a whole lot of meh.

So here's hoping that the grumpies are gone and that this week's a mellower one than last.

How was your weekend? I hope you didn't have The Grumpies too.

Chill

We were told to expect another 10 cm of snow today, but it didn't happen.

Wind happened though, which made it look like it was snowing. Blustery tornadoes of snow getting picked up and thrown around and then falling back down to re-settle somewhere new. It was pretty, once you were safely warm inside.

I drove in with a co-worker today and will be doing the same tomorrow. The roads are really mixed. Some are pretty clear, others are slick with ice and some are somewhere in-between.

It's interesting to drive around and see what municipalities are handling their streets better than others. (I live in one municipality and work in another and can sometimes drive through a third on my way to or from work but we're all "Greater Victoria" for you out of towners.)

Even where the streets are bare, the side streets aren't and what was driven on, or walked on, yesterday froze last night and is now ice. It's not ideal and I'm grateful to be driving with someone again tomorrow. There's something about being in a less than safe situation with someone else that just makes it better. For me, at least, that's how I find it.

I went for a walk, as usual, and got to try out my awesome snow boots that I bought last year and haven't really had much of a chance to use. They are, by the way, awesome. I also added some "tracks" onto the bottom so even walking on the ice was do-able, although my broken elbow and I preferred to walk in the snowbanks or on dry pavement to make sure we avoided another fall. That, my friends, would not have gone over well.

We're not expecting to warm up until Sunday, so I'm enjoying seeing the pretty white stuff while it's here. It's always a surprise to wake up one morning and it's all back to green.

I'm curled up under a blankie with a hot water bottle as I write this; it's the perfect way to wind down on a chilly evening.

I hope your Thursday was good and that your Friday leads you into an excellent weekend.

Talk soon.

Ok So Hey

So taking myself to work the last couple of days has been fun.

If, by "fun" you mean OWWWWW why does everything make my elbow hurt? Which in turn makes me want to cry which is not really good.

Turns out that's what a hairline fracture of the muhabidal medial mostoramalama will do. (Otherwise known as the "I can't remember what they called it but it was a lot of words when really I can already tell you where the break is because it's also where the massive bruise, swelling and huge soon to be scar is")

I had this morning booked off to see the doc, which turned out to be the best thing ever because the day started off with my phone ringing at about 7 am.

It was a co-worker who lives nearby.

"Victoria. I'm sorry to call so early, but have you looked outside?"

Turns out the wee tiny flakes that started last night somehow turned into an unexpected snowstorm and a foot or so of snow had fallen overnight.

NICE!

Well, not so nice for those who had to go in to work, but perfect for me because I had already said I couldn't be in and that meant I didn't have to worry about the drive! YAY!

It also meant that I could spend the morning watching the snow fall and then go out and play and walk and take pictures in it for the rest of the day.

I'll tell you. Being able to rest for the day AND to be able to see the beautiful snow that I love so much has done wonders for my mood.

I think, strangely enough, the confirmation that my injury is not "just" a bad bruise/scrape combo has also been a relief. Knowing that I'm not being wimpy and that there's actually something that's making it hurt so much made me feel better. Me strong.
(thumps chest in manly fashion)
(makes self cough)
(stops thumping)
(goes back to eating bon bons)
(not really)
(but I did get a bunch of Creme Eggs on my way back from the doctor's today so kind of)
(I've eaten quite a few)
(like four)
(but spread out over the day so it doesn't really count)


So we'll see what tonight brings in terms of more snow or not (it seems that this winter when they predict it it doesn't happen, so we'll see) but it did finally feel like we caught up with the rest of the world in terms of finally having a snowy winter.

Hopefully my travels tomorrow will be smooth and the rest of the week will be good and the Advils will keep on working.

Happy Wednesday y'all.

Pout

I don't feel like writing today which maybe means I don't feel like writing this week, it's hard to tell at this point, but anyway, I don't feel like writing.

I tripped while running this week. My foot caught on part of the sidewalk and I knew as soon as it happened that I was going down. Which I did. Hard.

I'm not entirely sure how it happened but I knew as soon as I hit that something wasn't ok. I was surprised to see that my hands weren't scraped up even though I couldn't feel them, but I also knew I couldn't run the rest of the way. So I walked myself home and stripped off, discovering that I had scraped and banged myself up pretty good. Managed to tear up my jacket and shirt and several layers of skin on my elbow and give myself the nastiest bruise you can imagine. The whole thing was embarrassing and I couldn't stop crying and now it's days later and my elbow is still really sore and I'm feeling pretty sorry for myself.

Went to see a doctor to make sure I'd cleaned it properly (yeah, you kind of don't want the bits of road, dirt and fabric left in there) and he told me that it looked pretty clean and he was suspicious that there was a fracture (which wasn't on my radar but boy would that have made a good story) but that he'd spare me the X-rays since there's not much you do to treat an elbow fracture anyway. Dude.

It's weird to have this kind of injury because it sort of feels self-inflicted even though it's really not and I feel dumb about it like I can't tell people how much it hurts because it's not like I was doing anything cool or exciting, I tripped.

So my body's busy healing and I'm helping it out by resting and trying to take care of myself but right this moment I'm tired and grumpy because did you know how often you lean on your elbow without knowing it and did you know how much clothes and things rub on your elbow and so my grumpy and tired me doesn't feel like writing right now.

Hopefully things will feel better tomorrow in a number of ways.

Hi

Can I tell you how glad I am to have woken up to beautiful clear skies and sunshine today?

Happy Saturday y'all. So far, mine's glorious. Hope yours is the same.

Look, A Rainbow!

A pretty pretty rainbow! Where the unicorns are and where candy falls from the sky and the clouds are made of cotton candy and you can eat as much as you want and never get sick and la la la la la RAINBOW!

Um, ok Victoria, do you want to tell us why you've kind of lost your mind here?

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Does it have something to do with the spider?

LALALALA NOT LISTENING RAINBOW PRETTY!!!!

Is it because you thought the spider in the sink was dead so you went to wash it down the drain and it came to life and then even though it was water soaked tried to crawl away and then you started to panic and maybe scream a little even though you were on the phone with C-Dawg and she told you to run it down the drain more but you felt bad but did it anyway and now you can't stop imagining that it's going to crawl back up the drain and kill you and it was probably the most horrifying thing you've gone through in a while and how did it get in your sink anyway oh please tell me there are no more spiders in the kitchen kind of feeling? Is that it?

Ooooh sparkly raindrops beside the rainbow! Unicorns! Puppies! Ponies! Sunshine!

Do you think your heart rate will return to normal any time soon Victoria or should we just let you be? Just let you be? Ok. (Backs away slowly)

I like rainbows! Do you? I am happy! Yay!

Yep, Still Twelve

Just in case you thought I'd matured at all, allow me to assure you I have not.

Case in point: I was at the grocery store picking up the ingredients to try out another slow cooker recipe.

I went to the meat section and asked the fellow there for a pot roast. He asked me if I was going to be slow cooking it and I said yes! my face lighting up because he wasn't treating me like the newbie cook I feel like.

"Ok then, I recommend this butt roast," he said.

To which I giggled.

Out loud.

At which point he went on to explain that it wasn't actually from the rear, but was from the leg.

To which I could only respond "yes, but it's funny."

I swear I'm not like this all the time.

Most of the time I'm really quite mature.


Updated to add: Joke's on me. Just went to put the roast in the slow cooker and it's pork not beef. Something makes me wonder if I'd maybe not been chortling if I'd have noticed. D'oh!

Up-Updated to add: Apparently when I updated this this morning before work, I accidentally changed the posting time 'til 8pm. Whoops! Hi! How are you?

Learning Things

When I signed up for the run clinic with S last year, there was a medium-large part of me that was hoping there would be some cute guys there and that that would magically turn into me finding a boyfriend. Because, I mean, really, it's one of the (many) things people tell you when you're single: Get out there! Join a club! Do something you enjoy! That's where the single guys are, that's where you'll meet someone!

So I got out there, joined a club and? There were three guys.

All older and not-single.

But while disappointing it was fine. It was enough to hang out with S and learn to run. I figured that all the single guys were in a different clinic and not learning to run.

So imagine my surprise when I signed up for the learn to run clinic again and found that a couple of guys had also signed up.

There were, it being January the month of resolve, a whole lot more people in this clinic than the last one, but I hadn't expected there to be so many guys. Or, any.

These guys, it seemed, had shown up with their girlfriends, but at least there were some guys there. Somehow, that gave me hope that maybe one day I would, in fact, meet a guy while out doing something.

I ended up running by myself that first week by choice and a friend I'd made at the last clinic checked in on me from time to time and it was good and I didn't have to go outside of my comfort zone and talk to a stranger like I'd been worried about.

The second week there were a ton more sign ups and a lot of them were guys. Crazy. They were coming out of the woodwork apparently.

As our group gathered to start our run, one of the guys ended up beside me and asked if he had missed anything the week before. I smiled and caught him up and he asked if I wanted to be running buddies.

Well sure, I said, weirdly feeling like I was in my comfort zone and not shy, maybe because he was new and I'd been there before.

We chatted for the whole run and it was enjoyable. It was really nice, actually, to talk to a guy and enjoy it.

I mean, yes, I've been on a few dates lately, but I was nervous on them and I wouldn't say I enjoyed them really. I think I ran the whole time with a smile on my face. He was funny, but in an understated way.

I don't know, I just liked something about him and I found myself grinning the next day at the mere fact that I had a) met a nice guy and b)talked to him and c)enjoyed it.

It made me feel prettier somehow.

And it certainly made me feel hopeful.

I know myself well though, and I made myself slow down before I got carried away and I told myself to just wait til the next clinic. Maybe he wouldn't show up. Maybe he would run with someone else. I mean it's not anything anyway, it's just talking to someone. And I'm there to run. Honestly.

He stood next to me again though when we went to run and asked if I wanted to be running partners again.

We remembered each others names, we asked about each others weeks, but people. . . people? I can't get ahead of myself.

So he's a friendly guy.

So what?

I can't start telling myself it's anything more than a guy who likes to make conversation finding someone to make conversation with because when, near the end I dropped back to let the others sprint ahead (hello, avoiding injury and unable to breathe thank you very much because whose silly idea is it to sprint right now I'm a beginner runner you crazy people!) he chatted away quite happily with the run leader and my spirits sank because of course I've already romanticized the situation to the point where I imagine he's looking out for me and waiting for me to catch up so we can laugh about the sprinting together and man. . . why do I do this to myself?

I don't know if he's single. I can't assume he's interested. I can't make talking to someone in a run clinic mean anything more than having someone to talk to when you're in a run clinic.

So, hey, I met someone running, but it's not anything and it's not like I met someone met someone while running. I just met someone.

I just also kind of like him a little.

So far.

Maybe.

Mind Over Mind

You know that saying "mind over matter"? Well, yeah, I think it's actually more like mind over mind.

The other week, for whatever reason, a few people at lunch started talking about being stuck in elevators.

One person's story was about a power outage that didn't last long, but that almost made her late for a final exam.

Another person's elevator story included keys being dropped down the shaft and having to explain that one to your landlord.

The last story was told by a former footballer (yeah, we spies are cool like that) who, with five of his teammates managed to find out what happens when you exceed the weight limit in an elevator. I could picture being stuffed in there with six huge football players as he described the noise the elevator made just before it gave up, trapping them in there with barely enough room to move.

Fast forward to the next day when I find myself in an elevator on the way to a doctor's appointment.

As I'm thinking back to the conversations, I realize that there are a rather lot of people getting on this elevator. A lady with a stroller, two older couples, myself and just when I think we're done, another fellow steps on and it's all I can do not to panic.

Ordinarily I have no problems with elevators, but I'd never been on one so jam packed and I'd never been on one the day after a bunch of people had told me their "this one time? When I was stuck on an elevator?" stories.

The amount of mind-power that went in to me managing to stay on that elevator, crammed at the back, three floors to go was amazing. My mind had to overpower my mind.

Which, when you think about it, is weird.

I was glad to take an empty elevator back down though, let me tell you.

Whew.

With Love

I used to love Valentine's Day as a kid.

I'd look forward to waking up in the morning and seeing what treats my parents had put on my breakfast spot and reading the card they'd picked out for me.

Then I'd rush off to school where the teacher would have some sort of fun activity planned with the cutting out of hearts and red and pink and white and we'd all have envelopes on the sides of our desks and everyone would get a card from everyone and some candies too and it was all such fun!

In high school there was the added suspense of waiting for the carnation delivery to see if you had a secret admirer or if maybe today was the day the guy you liked told you he liked you too and I don't remember a high school Valentine's day that didn't leave me a little starry eyed and wondering just whose writing it was that had filled out that card. In high school, Valentine's Day was awesome.

I had a boyfriend for a few Valentine's Days in University and I remember one fellow, a new guy I'd been seeing just for a couple of weeks bought me a gigantic Hershey's Kiss and the thing was solid the whole way through and it was so delicious to gnaw my way through it. And I remember that same guy and I going to see Princess Bride and all of his (rather drunk) friends making fun of us (Kiss her man, kiss her!) and the whole thing was terribly embarrassing and I wanted to die right there in the dark theatre as Wesley told Buttercup he would do as she wished.

I still like Valentine's Day. And yes, I still secretly wait for a card from a secret admirer or a bouquet of flowers to surprise me at work or a box of chocolates to be delivered to my doorstep. But I also know that there's not a huge chance of that happening seeing as I haven't encountered any single men lately who'd be able to be a secret admirer or who know where I live and at spy work? Well, they're all married, or soon to be. So I guess that means I've grown up. And I guess that's a little disappointing.

I know a lot of people who pooh pooh Valentine's Day saying that if you love someone you should show it every day and that it's just a holiday that's made up by card companies and that it's all a bunch of malarkey. Well, I'm sorry, but I politely disagree.

I won't want my husband to necessarily show up with roses and chocolates and diamonds (but hey, if that's what he wants to do, I ain't stopping him!) and yes, I know my husband and I will show each other we love each other regularly and there will be cards for no reason and flowers just because and trips away for no other reason than we can, but I will look forward, each Valentine's Day to a card and maybe some candy, just instead of my parents putting it out for me it'll be him.

No, it's not the one day a year you show your love to someone, but that doesn't mean it's a horrible day. I mean come on. Chocolates? Heart shaped hand made cards? Flowers? Love poems? Having someone tell you they like you? There's nothing wrong with that in my book.

Happy Valentine's Day you guys. Consider this your little mini hand signed card from me.

Want to be my Valentine?

Because Sometimes You Have To Share The Pain/Love

These have been stuck in my head all week, so now you must suffer and/or enjoy with me.

I'd say "Sorry" but seriously, it's the weekend. I'm so dancing to these in my living room. Join me!



Teenage Dream & Just the way you are - Acapella Cover - Mike Tompkins


Anti-bullying Flashmob January 2011


Justin Bieber & Ozzy Osbourne Best Buy Super Bowl Commercial (2011)

PS Flashmobs make me cry. Every. Single. Time.

But then again, so does this:


The Force - Volkswagen Commercial

Ohhhhhhhhh

The other night a week or two ago as I was falling asleep there was a noise coming from my neighbour's place that I couldn't quite figure out.

It wasn't regular enough to be, well, you know, and it wasn't a cooking noise, which I don't normally hear from them anyway.

It wasn't loud enough to be hammering or decorating and it was late enough that I couldn't logically figure out what they were doing.

And darn it all if the noise wasn't just familiar enough to bug me. Was it a rocking chair? Someone stapeling? What was that pop, click noise and why did I know it?

I could not place the noise so I popped my earplugs in and went to bed thinking I'd just have to live with not knowing what that "not quite a popping" noise was.

Fast forward to two nights ago and I hear this noise all over again. And I know what it is because I swear I've heard it before but I can not for the life of me figure out what it is and I'm almost ready to throw on my robe and go next door to demand they tell me what it is they're doing when it hits me:

It was that pop the dome to roll the dice thing in the middle of that board game Trouble*! Ahhhhh, that's what that noise is, of course!

And now my mind can rest. Whew.


The Game of Trouble: TV Commercial


*My first thought was that it was the game Sorry, but google sorted me out. Thanks internets!

Followup

I went ahead and contacted the guys I hadn't heard from and I'm somewhere between baffled and nonplussed by their responses.

I must say after this last little while, I appreciate the message I got from the first guy I went out with greatly. He had the manners to be upfront and let me know he wasn't interested and his reasons and I appreciated that even if it was still a rejection.

Runner Guy, he who I re-connected with after ages and ages, has fallen off the face of the earth again and I'm just going to let that one go. I mean if there had been a big draw for him the first time we met he'd have pursued it further then, or now, so I'm going to go ahead and say that that one just isn't meant to be.

Other Guy I Hadn't Met Yet, but had been chatting to, I sent a friendly "hey, hope all is well" message to and got an email back from him saying I'd made it pretty clear I wasn't interested in meeting him. That was an interesting one because yes, absolutely, I'd been scared to meet him and the couple of first places and times he suggested we meet I wasn't comfortable with and he'd said he was totally understanding that I was nervous so we were going to make a weekend coffee date when he stopped contacting me. I told him that I hadn't meant to show disinterest, but rather it had been a combination of nerves and general business and that if he did want to meet I was up for it.

And I haven't heard back from him so I guess I'll let that one go too. Which is a bit of a bummer since we didn't even get a chance to connect in person and see if there was potential. But, what can you do?

New Guy I Haven't Told You About Yet and I have tried to meet a couple of times but he's been away most weekends and that's really when I'm free to meet dates for the first time. So I haven't heard from him in a while which is fine because he's super into some amazing sports that I would be a complete beginner in and I kind of feel like he deserves a girl who's just as awesome in those sports.

And Second Guy I went on a coffee date with I just haven't heard from. I sent him a friendly message and got a friendly one back and, well, that was the last of it.

I guess this is how this whole on line dating thing goes and maybe even how regular dating plays out but still, it's a bit of a downer to have things just kind of fizzle out, especially when they didn't even really start yet.

I can get really down about it on the days when I search around the dating site and find. . . well, let's just say there are days when I despair greatly and other days when I question the sanity of a lot of people. So sometimes it's disappointing that a seemingly good guy has fallen through my gasp.

And I know you all will say oh if it's meant to be it will be and most days I believe that, but on the days when I don't believe that? Well, let's hope there aren't too many more of those days in my future.

Or yours, if you be single and looking for that matter.

But yeah, I'm trying to not play the "there must be something wrong with me" game and instead, play the "man, are they ever missing out" game.

So. Man, are these guys ever missing out! They SO should have messaged me back and met me.

(If I say it enough I'll start to believe it, right?)

Uh

Who is this Murphy guy anyway and who let him be a lawyer?

(Not) Walking In A Winter Wonderland

Last week was a wintery, snowy one for much of North America; certainly for most of the United States and some of Canada.

It's at moments like these that I tend to scratch my head at the stereotype that's thrown at Canada as a snow-covered, ice-capped frozen tundra.

Certainly we have a lot of places that get a lot of snow and, yes, our northern places are very very wintery.

But for the most part, we're no more wintery than anyone else. AND, for our part? Those of us who live in balmy, rainforest coastal Victoria?

We really don't ever get "real" snow and we hardly ever get much snow.

So it's almost amusing to me to watch parts of the States dealing with massive snowstorms when I'm so very much not.

So the lesson here today boys and girls? Canada. . . not so snowy.

I think it's about time we let that stereotype go, eh?

Weekend Update

Last week was (don't talk about work don't talk about work don't talk about work) so I found myself barely able to keep my eyes open at 6:30 on Friday night.

No, really.

I made myself stay up til nine, at which point I collapsed into bed and had what was probably the best realization possible.

I was lying there my mind half asleep but still thinking of all the things I had to deal with at work the next day when suddenly some smarter part of my brain went "Dude. It's Friday. You don't have to go to work for two days!"

It was awesome. Best feeling ever.

I woke up early-ish anyway to go for a run (you guys can you believe I'm typing that and it's actually for real?!) with a friend and then lazed about for the rest of the day. (Going for a run allows one to do this and feel totally guilt free by the way.)

I then hung out with James and got flirted with a bit by some guys at the pub which was nice and then slept in majorly on Sunday, debating just how long I could stay in my pjs and if I did, in fact, need to get groceries or if they could wait til Monday.

What a glorious debate to have with yourself, by the way. . . do I *have* to do anything today or can they wait so that I may just sit and do nothing in my coziest of jammies today?

So, crazy single life weekend full of wild parties and late nights? Yeah, not so much. But a great weekend nonetheless and just what I needed.

How was yours?

Voice

I know I've talked about how much I hate finishing a book because I miss the characters or because I want to know what happens next but there's something else to it.

Sometimes the transition from one author's voice to another is so jarring I almost want to go back and re-read the book I finished just so I don't have to start again.

These last couple of books have been like that for me, I've started reading the new one and it's been such different writing, such a different style that I've actually put a book away after a few sentences and started a different one just because I couldn't handle that particular voice after the one I'd just read.

Going from "Room" to "Bitter is the New Black" was a hard one. I almost threw "Bitter" across the room it frustrated me so much.

But after I finished it I, of course, enjoyed the writing and the story and the author's voice. I think maybe no one could have equaled Jack's voice in "Room", but I think also it was a particularly discordant change from his (five year old, innocent, sweet gentle voice) to the harsh sarcasm of Jen Lancaster.

I'm not sure I've ever noticed quite so clearly how difficult it can be to leave one author and start with a new one and maybe that's why I like series so much. It's comforting to go back to an old familiar voice.

Shrug

I haven't heard anything in a while from the guys I was chatting with (Second Coffee Date, Runner Guy, Other Guy I Hadn't Met Yet, and New Guy I Haven't Told You About Yet.)

I know it's probably a combination of people being busy and probably chatting with/seeing other people and it's not like I'm dating any one of them but it's got me scratching my head a little that all of a sudden I'm not hearing from anyone. And I can only take it as a polite brush off that the second guy I met for coffee hasn't responded with a "let's do it again."*

Of course, last time I typed out a post like this I got a message almost right away so maybe that'll happen again this time and once I push "publish" on this my inbox will be full and my cell phone will beep with a text or two.

Or not. No biggie.

We'll see.






*Yeah, of course I take it personally, but only a little (or a medium, depending on the day/moment/mood.) Just guess I wasn't his type. Ok, sometimes that stings, but not everyone's going to be attracted to me.**


**I just wonder when it'll happen again is all. Feels like it's been a while since someone was interested in me.

I'm Ok. Really.

I know the last few posts have been a little on the heavy, sad, depressed side and I didn't want you thinking I'm in some sort of awful place.

Last week at work (not that I talk about work) was a really hard one that ended with some unexpected news that will make my spy life that much harder for the next little while and I was rather overwhelmed by it.

That lead to a weekend of wanting to curl up in my blanket and feel miserable about everything. I started to go down the "I'll never be in a relationship again because no one will ever love me again because I'm obviously an awful person" path when I stopped myself and tried to figure out where that all was coming from.

I think maybe Introspection has come to live with me for a while because, once again, I came up with some pretty good insight.

I think when something stressful and difficult happens like the news from spy work instead of being all upset about that my brain tries to find something familiar to gnaw on and what's more familiar than "single self pity?"

Recognizing that that's what was going on made it so much easier to stop the "nobody loves me" train of thought it was quite a relief.

So don't worry about me, I'm ok, just one of those bumpy patches. That, yes, I'm perhaps not dealing with as best I could in a bit of a I'll just go ahead bury my head in the sand thank you very much kind of way but that I will.

Meanwhile, the sun has come out and everyone's mood is brighter.

Funny how that works eh?

Truthfully

Someone asked me the other day how I was doing with my Dad and his illness.

I gave my usual answer "Good, thanks" and then I thought about it.

It's half true. I am coping well.

But I'm not dealing with it.

I'm just stuffing it all down and trying to keep it all tidy and away down and I can see myself being more tense than usual, snappier and shorter tempered, more tired, less social.

I'm not dealing with it so even though I'm coping well on the surface of things and I'm strong and together and "everything's fine thanks" I can tell I need to un-stuff.

I have to deal with it because it's making everything else bigger; it's amplifying concerns into worries and confusion into anxiety.

I'm glad run clinic started up again, I think that'll help a lot and I guess I should maybe find someone to talk to or go scream into my pillow or something, I don't know.

I just know something has to change.

And that's good.

That Time of Year

I know a lot of people have a hard time with January and I understand why. I just happen to have a birthday thrown in there that makes the month a happy one for me. It's February that tends to drag a bit for me, what with there having been no break or holiday since forever ago and the days tend to be on the dark and dreary side which tends to make them metaphorically so as well.

December, January and February are my own personal trifecta of salt in the wound of singleness.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've been in a relationship during Christmas, my Birthday and Valentine's day and I can count on half of one hand the number of men who've been my boyfriends during that time. ie. Two

Everyone else seems to have missed that time period, or met me just after or somewhere in the middle ala Smith.

It's not that I need a boyfriend to make these months happy, it just so happens that these occasions are one where the lack of a boyfriend tends to have a more profound echo than, say, on Easter.

I don't know, it's not that I'm complaining about a lack of presents or kisses or cards or flowers (although all of those things would be more than welcome) it's more that I start noticing I'm single more at Christmas, and then it sneaks into my birthday and then Valentine's day is the final reminder before it all kind of mellows out again. And I guess I find myself, each year around this time, patting myself on the back consolingly and whispering that maybe next year.

Maybe next year.