Thrown Back

I've been fine for a while, relationship wise, I have.

The last couple of months have been all about talking about mortgages and looking at listings and wondering about dog-sitting and it was stressful, sure, but nice to have something to think about other than being single.

But the last couple of weekends, I've had a bit more time to breathe and, slightly bored, I checked out a few profiles on the online dating site.

I quite honestly couldn't be bothered to strike up a conversation with anyone, but there was one guy whose profile I really liked so I send him a hello and we started messaging.

We got along great via message, so much to talk about, so we decided to meet up this weekend.

I was, of course, nervous for the "blind meeting of random stranger from the internet" as usual, and he was a few minutes late to our meeting spot, which didn't help my nerves, but he was nice and cuter than his picture (which doesn't happen often) and so we wandered for a while and talked.

I felt nervous and awkward of course, not myself, which is always too bad in these meetings, but we had a lot to talk about (well, I talked a lot...too much it feels like, and he asked questions and well, yeah, lots to be said and talked about.)

After we'd walked a giant loop and ended back up at his car he kind of seemed like he wanted to keep talking, but we just sort of ended things and I asked for a hug (which in retrospect seems stupid) and he said he'd send me a message.

I don't know if you guys remember back to Steve from a couple of months ago, but I remember at the end of our dinner just having the feeling he wasn't interested.

And, I'm sorry to say, I had the same feeling at the end of this date this weekend.

Not that he didn't like me or that we didn't get along or anything like that. Just that this guy (yet again) wasn't interested in dating me or particularly getting to know me any further.

Sure, maybe I'm wrong. Maybe he's just a little slow in sending me that message, you'll argue.

Yeah. Except no.

He's not interested.

He's had time.

He would have shown interest if he had it.

I hate that I'm right, but I'm right and it sucks.

And it hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts, hurts.

I think I give up on online dating. It doesn't work for me.

That cold-call meeting just doesn't suit me, and whoever it is that those guys meet? Whatever nervous, un-relaxed version of me those guys meet? They don't like.

But it still hurts. It's still rejection.

And like I said yesterday, I don't want to do it anymore.

I don't think I'll hear from this guy again, but if I do, if he's polite enough to send me a "thanks but no thanks" message, I'm deleting my account.

I see a nice guy, we chat, we arrange to meet, I get nervous, I worry, we meet, it goes "ok", he's not interested.

I'm not playing this game anymore. I hate it too much, I'm not getting any better at it, I don't enjoy it, it's not getting me anywhere, I can't handle the rejection.

I mean, think about it.

You liked my personality on paper and in writing enough to meet me. But then you met me and changed your mind.

How is that not going to sting?










(Oh, wait. I guess I should mention seeing him getting into his car with a pretty blonde the evening after our "date"? And how, while I know this could have been a friend/sister/whatever, it just kind of pushed me over the "well, fuck this" ledge. How was that for a kick in the teeth? "Well, no wonder he's not messaged me, he's out on a much more interesting date with a much prettier person. Fuck.")