Babbling Part Two

I think the conclusion all that thinking got me to was that I'd taken the wrong approach but for the right reasons.

Somehow, in wanting to never again sleep with a man before knowing him, I'd shut myself down.  I'd become closed off and wary, and I can only imagine how this would come across or feel to a prospective date.

(Sensitive personages and/or those related to me you should probably stop reading now)

I'm a sexual person.  I think I always have been.  I've never been "slutty" or slept around, or even had a one night stand, but to me, it's important, and very much a part of who I am.

For a while, I thought it was important *why* I was like that, and I thought that because of the why, I should stop being like that.  But somehow the comment, and the thinking and processing and realizing I came to after the comment, made me realize that while the why is, I suppose, important, it is more important for me to just be me.

I like sex.  I like having sex.  I like having a boyfriend to have sex with.  (Or at least, a guy who I am hanging out with and attracted to.)

I like feeling attracted to someone, and the draw and tingles that don't just stick to the you know where places. 

It doesn't mean I like to talk about sex, or acknowledge its existence with my family, friends, colleagues, co-workers, etc. but it means that when I shut myself down mentally in that way (and I'm doing a hack of a job trying to put all these thoughts and understandings down in a way that may slightly make sense to you all) I became someone less than who I am.

So (I came to realize) I have, for the past five or six years, been forcing myself to be not myself, and it hasn't felt good.

I didn't really know it until I realized it all, and it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

It's ok for me to be that way.  It's ok for me to meet people and consider sleeping with them.

And just as I came to this conclusion, I ran into Vince, and we all know where that went.  Or, nearly went.

I told him as much too.  Told him he'd come back into my life at a very interesting time.  That I'd just had this massive sexual-ish realization and then, here showed up the best sex I've ever had in my life.

So now I feel better.  Freer.  More... me.

An unintendedly awesome result of a comment someone made.  A catalyst.

And when I made that mental shift, things started happening.  That's for sure.