So Then

When I had my massive realization and whatnot, I decided it was also time to change, slightly, how I was approaching the online dating thing.

I had been very wary of putting myself out there.  "What if they don't like me no one ever likes me I'm so (insert self insult here) and this doesn't work anyway."

"Oh, give it a rest dumbass, what's there to lose, anyway?" my new/old self said to my Last Five Years self and kicked her out the door.

So I messaged a couple of guys (yes, ones I felt were attractive) and shrugged.  Whatever happened would happen.

And I answered messages and had minor conversations here or there and didn't really mind what happened.

I think seeing Vince helped with that too.  Seeing him made me feel attractive all over again, not just because he seemed to be still physically attracted to me but because we talked about our relationship and I finally heard, after all this time, why he'd been in love with me and why things might have worked, and I felt really good hearing that.  It reminded me that I'm not all those things my mind likes to tell me, and I felt strong and powerful again, in a I am a sexy woman hear me roar kind of way.

(I know, I know, it's kind of cringe worthy, but what can you do?)

I don't know if anyone around me noticed the change, but I did, and I do, and it's not just an emotional/mental one, I feel different physically too;  like I said, freer and lighter.