Unsettled

I don't know what to do about Vince, if anything.

He texts me about once a week, in the evenings, to see if I'd like some company for a bit.  And he'll come over, we'll chat about whatever, and an hour or so later he'll leave, go back to work.

As I understand it, he works late in his office, once his family time is done, so that he has some quiet.  And then since his office is near my place, and he feels like a break, he stops by.

Isn't really a big deal right?

I mean, there's no sexual tension anymore, well, at least not on my end, and other than a hug and a kiss goodbye when he leaves, there's no contact, not even any sitting on the same couch.  Just two friends having a chat.

Except, are we friends?

Well, sure.  We used to love each other, I still care about him as a person, and it would seem he still cares about me, and so that's part of friendship, no?

And we're both in relationships, even if mine isn't traditional (yet) and his isn't peaches and cream.  But maybe that's what disturbs me.  The relationships we're both in.

See, I've told Jay about Vince.  And that we chat, hang out from time to time.  But Vince hasn't told his wife.  And that doesn't sit well with me.

Even though it's all "above board" (to use his words) I still think it's less than honest to disappear for an hour or two and to be somewhere other than where your partner thinks you are (at work), especially if you're visiting someone who used to be more than a friend, and maybe especially if that person, just recently told you you were really good in bed.

But I feel like I don't want to bring it up every time he wants to hang out.  Hey, told your wife we chill?

But I feel like I almost have to.  I don't know.

When he's here, it feels utterly platonic.  Really.  Like a brother.

But lately, after his last visit, where I wondered, as I went in for a peck goodbye, and am not completely sure that's what his lips were expecting, I'm not sure I want him to come by again.

Maybe if we'd never given a goodbye kiss, maybe it wouldn't be on my mind.  But the last couple of times he's texted, I've avoided saying he could come over.  Have told him I was just heading to bed, or whatnot, when really, I was just not feeling like seeing him.  Or, more likely, was waiting for Jay to have a break in his day where we could chat.

So I don't know what to do.  Do I let him know next time he texts that I don't want his company?  Do I have him come over and tell him face to face what I'm thinking?  Do I just not do anything and play it by ear?

So far, it's depended who I've asked.  I have some friends who are like, you know what?  It's no big deal, whatever, you guys talk, who cares.  And some who are like, yeah, no that's not cool.  And yet another who told me, just the other day that this is how men start an affair, they find something else they can move on to and then move on, and leave.

And dudes.  I do not want a relationship with Vince.  Even if Jay weren't in the picture, I wouldn't.  But especially with Jay in the picture I don't.

And I don't want to assume that that's what Vince is wanting or doing, but I also really have no idea why he's coming over.

And I don't know how to ask.

Other than, dude, seriously, why are you always coming over?

There's an amused part of me that just wants to stall him for another few months, until Jay gets back into town and then get a text and say, sure, come on by!  At which point, I'll just be hanging on the couch with Jay, all, oh hey Vince, come on in, we were just about to play Monopoly!  Or something equally "see, this is not just a secret anymore."

I don't know.  It's just not feeling 100% kosher.  Because I don't know quite where he's coming from.

I guess I'll just find a way to ask, if I ever do let him over again.