In The After
And all the things I wanted to tell you about Jay and I before that, seem less important now.
I have a list, actually, of posts I was waiting to write about Jay, and things, and now I look at them and all I feel is the wall I've put up. The wall I'm still not sure if it's necessary or just an old self-preservation habit that doesn't really help at all. I know it doesn't feel good, whatever it is.
We've had glitches along the way, certainly, things he's told me or let me know about that would, quite honestly, freak me out. And I'd tell him, hey I'm freaking out, and he'd be there for me and would reassure me and I'd breathe, and think, and often, get really weirdly good advice from Vince and be ok with things again.
But this time, Jay shared his living concerns with me, and I lost it, pretty completely, and he wasn't able to be there for me.
He's got too much going on, and not just with his uncertain future, but with his current work piling up on him and me wanting to talk/chat/email with him all the time all just got to be overwhelming for him and he asked for space.
And because I was still feeling unsettled from the email, the week to myself, not sharing my thoughts with him was harder than it might have been. And for crying out loud, can we all just talk about the elephant in the room that all of this would be WAY way easier if we were having these heavy, big discussions while living in the same damn city? Sitting on a couch in a living room, or even talking on the phone a ten minute drive away from each other?
Because they would be.
And if no one's mentioned it to you before, email is not the greatest form of communication. There is no tone, no subtlety, and so when something difficult is said, there's no eye contact, or hand to hold, or shoulder to cry on. And add to that the fact that after an email comes through there will be a half a day or more before a response can be written, it means way too much thinking time for my over-active brain and imagination.
And as a girlfriend pointed out to me last weekend, I maybe could remember to take a breath before I respond to an upsetting email. To make sure I'm not just reacting. Or at least to figure out what I'm reacting to.
It's not easy, the distance.
As someone said in a comment the other day, it makes things feel bigger and harder than they probably actually are.
I'm not good at thinking.
Or, rather, I'm too good at thinking. Just not in helpful ways. Man, even just typing this out is making me feel like my head will explode. I'm going to have to do some relaxation after this for sure.
I know I'm not making sense, you all, I know I'm not because I can't even make sense in my own head. I can't even explain to my friends what's going on, and I'm not even sure I have the words to tell Jay, although I'm trying, and finding them is easier after the week away from it.
Not even there yet. A normal would be nice.
Just in a different space than we were in for the previous six or seven weeks. Those weeks were all about getting to know each other and falling for the people we were getting to know. Those weeks were all about feeling love and connection and sharing and wow, so very awesome.
Now I'm in this strange space and just wanting to be through it. Not yet seeing a light at the end of any tunnel, but this too shall pass, yes? Or change, somewhat. Or something. Or end, eventually. I suppose.
Man, I dislike talking about this.
Which probably means I should talk about it more.