Screen Time

I know, I know, I'm trying to break my thinking obsessively about Jay streak, but I just had to say... one of the things that has really saved me in my moments of pure freak out upset crazy unhappy insecurity awfulness has been being able to talk to Jay.

I can't remember if I told you, which means I maybe didn't, but after we'd talked on the phone a bit, I felt comfortable enough to try a video call with him.

I felt silly at first, and was, of course, worried about flattering camera angles and things, but all in all it was nice, and made me smile to be able to see his face and his eyes and his smile, moving, not just in still, picture format.

As he said, when he suggested it, it was neat to see the other person's mannerisms and fit another piece of the puzzle into place.

(And, no, before you point it out to me, I know that video doesn't replace meeting in person and that just because we get along via video it doesn't guarantee a one on one connection but it's still nice, and feels more personal than email or chatting.)

Maybe it's because when we talk via a video call we don't get into heavy stuff, whereas via email or chat we do, or maybe it's because I can SEE him and virtually look into his (pretty, pretty) eyes.  Or maybe it's just that it feels more like hanging out.  Or maybe it's being able to sit and chat and have an almost for reals conversation.

(Well, I mean, it is real, but you know what I mean.  Almost but not quite in person.)

The other morning after a particularly rough day of increasingly upset (angry?) emails from me over a difficult topic we really shouldn't even be talking about seeing as we've never met and yes sometimes I think we're crazy and this sentence is so long I feel like I should just keep typing because it seems almost unfair to stop it now, he asked if I wanted to talk for a few minutes before I had to leave for work and we just kind of sat there, not having much to say, for a few minutes, I actually lay down on my couch and just mellowed, and wouldn't you know it, I felt so much better.  So much.

We managed to have a video call the other day too and I told him it felt like doing so filled up my sanity tank.

Which is just what I needed.

Seeing him makes me feel better.  More... ok.  Calmer.

Doesn't make any of the issues or worries go away, just makes me feel like I don't have to think about them or solve them or figure them out right that moment, or even that day.

Makes me feel like I can wait, and see, and maybe never have to worry about what I'm worrying about in the long run anyway.

It's just.... good.

It helps.

And I need that.