Sigh

Yeah, so I just went ahead and bought new advent calendars because I'm thinking those first two got left at the store.  Like, maybe they were the last thing to go into the bag and then somehow just didn't go into the bag.


Anyhow, it's December.  And I'm going to focus on the fact that that means the days will soon start to not be quite so "omg why is it dark at 4:30 already?" soon.

Last week was lousy, you guys.  I just wanted to cry.  And things might have felt better if I did, but I also had to function day to day so I just kind of kept it at bay.

I actually ended up taking a couple of days off of work this weekend, and I'm glad I did.

This weekend then turned into the culmination of a bad week in a bad month and the tears shed Friday night alone weren't fun, but clearly needed.

I think it was also Friday night that I found myself so unhappy I didn't quite know what to do with myself.

I let a friend know.  She's in the healthcare field so asked me if I was concerned that I was going to hurt myself in anyway.  I said no, but there's something about being asked that that's so reassuring.  Please remember that.  If you have a friend in rough shape and they tell you they're in rough shape, ask them if they're going to hurt themselves.

I've been in that place before and it can be very frightening when you think you're there alone.  It takes courage to reach out, and if someone reaches out to you, take that as a sincere complement; they feel safe with you.

So, yeah, I was scared.  Felt like I had been so sad and so hurt all month and I was scared that I was stuck there, never going to get out.

A lot of my sad last week was partly because I did end up meeting a really nice guy for a date last weekend, and I had a great time.  He was super cute and fun and funny and smart and I had a really nice.  That was awesome.

And, I thought he had a good time too.  And maybe he did.

But I haven't heard from him since.

I gave up after a couple of days, and no, don't give me the "maybe he's just waiting three days" crap, these are the days of texting where if you're interested, you text them.  He's not interested.  But those days were hard.  So hard.  And combining that with Jay moving on, it just felt like sh*t.  And then I had to tell my brain to stop telling me it meant I was un loveable.  Because that's not fair or true.

I just want to be in love with this great guy, whoever he is.  And it was SO nice to have such an easy, great time with this guy, and then so sad that he didn't want to pursue anything.

Left me feeling worse than if I'd never tried at all.

Maybe.  At least for the week.

But I'm guessing this too will pass and I'll be feeling better soon enough and maybe it's just a matter of being patient and hopeful until the great guy does come along.

I'd just like it to be now.

Things with Jay came to a head this weekend too, so it was this whole conflagration of crappiness all at once.