Better

I had lunch this weekend with a friend of mine who is one year past the day when his wife walked out on him.

And he'll tell you that the last year was the hardest year of his life, and I saw it on him.

Seeing him this weekend was great, we caught up more than just on the phone, and he looks great.

He looks happier, of course, than he's been over the last year, but I think he looks happier than when we first met too.

He's found a new love, and I think that's a big part of it, but he looks handsomer and much more relaxed.

Calmer.  Happier.  Better.

That's two friends of mine I've watched and tried to support through a divorce, and both of them are happy and well now, and in love with the person they will most likely spend the rest of their lives with.

It's good to see friends looking well.

I'm happy my friend is so happy.

Ok, Seriously?

I am starting to actually think that this blog is, like, Vince voodoo.

Seriously.

The last two times I've mentioned him on the blog, he's shown up right after.

Like, last time I wrote I hadn't heard from him and didn't expect to and then boom, guess who I get a text from this weekend.

Weiiiiird. 

So I'm wondering if I can somehow use this to my advantage.

Like, maybe if I write a post about how Vince showed up and found an extra million dollars he forgot he owed me or just wanted to give me for being awesome, then maybe the blog/Vince magic would work and he'd show up with a gazillion dollars for me?

It's gotta be worth a shot, no?

Reflecting

Jay and I have had a rough week.

It's all still a bit of a jumble in my head where it all went weird, but it had to do with his future and his uncertainty about parts of it and me and my anxiety and insecurity making me feel like he was leaving before we'd even met.

And I think I probably didn't handle how I was feeling very well, I mean, not terribly, but not particularly well either, and we're both tired (staying up late, getting up early to talk to each other) and so we sort of sorted through that problem but then something else came up and I, now looking back, overreacted and didn't pause to take a breath.

So there was a particularly bad day or two this weekend and just as I was about to offer to give Jay some space, some time to just be, he asked if he could have a few days to just sort through his thoughts.

Of course, I was upset, and in that moment, I realized how reactionary I can be.

I wanted to delete all his emails, and to go out and find a new person to date, or maybe even call up Vince and tell him to come over and have his way with me, but I didn't do any of those things.

I just took a breath and did something else.

And then I told a couple of friends I was having a rough go of it, and then I distracted myself with some funny television, and then I went to the gym.

And at some point, I realized that I was actually relieved to have the space to breathe.  To just have a day where I wasn't waiting for an email alert or for a chat window to pop up.  To not think about what I wanted to say in an email.  To just have a bit of time to myself.

Now, of course, there's a part of me that wants to turn this into a catastrophe.  To figure out how this is proof things will never work out and that I will always be single and alone and lonely.

But, oddly enough, there's more of me that's just calm.

Calm and accepting that if this relationship is going to be long term, we'll have to figure out how to breathe.  When to ask for space.  How to fight, and come out the other end.

For me, I've never trusted that someone could be frustrated or unhappy with me and still want to be with me, or still like, or love me.  But right now, there's just a sense of calmness that I've never had before.

If things don't work out, if this is all it takes for things to fall apart, then I suppose it really wasn't meant to be.  And while that will suck, I will be ok.  In the end.

But more than that, I have a weird feeling of things still being ok with us.  I can't explain it, and that's not to say I haven't had moments of fear and anxiety and worry and stress and panic and it doesn't mean I didn't spend most of Saturday night and half of Sunday morning wanting to throw up.

Maybe it also means that I realize I can't change anything and so I'm just letting it be.

Which, holy bleep, where did that maturity come from, eh?

I know I've grown over the last year or two, it's just that it feels really amazing to feel less crazy about things.

So, yeah.  Jay and I have had a rough last week or so, and are currently just having time with ourselves.

And it's been good for me to remember there is more to life than "us" and him and him and me and all the fear around the unknown future.

Jay has said these last couple of weeks, that it's "not all roses" and I guess that's true of all relationships. (Except perhaps the ones that Hollywood shows us, but then again, they usually have a bump or too as well, no?)

Of course, I'm writing this in a "good" moment, a calm moment, a moment where I'm just accepting of how things are and my lack of ability to control it.

Will keep distracting myself when the bad thoughts come, and will hope for... well, I don't know actually.  Good things, of course.

Peace, joy, love and happiness again.

Knitting, Part Two

Now, that's not to say that my learning to knit process has been seamless (pun not intended as seams are generally more sewing-ish but still.)  I've had some... er.. moments of argh, for sure.

Other than the face cloth that I made that is full of holes, I also am still unable to really fix the mistakes I make.  So other than stopping working on the project, packing it up and driving over to Mom and Dad's, I have, perhaps more than once, un-done a few row's worth of work because I can't figure out what seems totally easy for my Mom (and other experienced knitters) to fix.

I have also accidentally sat on my work, thereby pulling the needle completely out of the row.  I have managed to knit the tail end of the wool INTO the work (it's... really not supposed to be knitted in, ahem) and I have cried tears of frustration at casting off (ending a piece.)

I also seem to have still a little bit of trouble starting a piece, and haven't remembered to write down the needle sizes I used on certain pieces which leads to me ball park guessing how many thingamies to cast on for a facecloth and then getting annoyed when the second row ends up being four hundred times longer than the cast on row.

And, yes, I know that that all was maybe garbldygook to anyone who's never knitted before, but that's another funny thing I discovered.  Knitters... come out of the woodwork.

For example, I brought in a piece to work, to give to someone, and all of a sudden found out that there are five, ten other people at work who knit!  It's like a secret, awesome club!

Or, when I was on the ferry over the holidays and brought a scarf (because yes, I'm still just working on the simplest of things!) out to work on and a nice lady turned around to ask me what I was working on and showed me the lovely scarf she was working on too.

It's cool.

I mean, not that it makes me perfect or anything.  I did accidentally steal something from the wool shop.

*gulp*

See, I went in to match some embroidery thread I needed to finish a cross stitch I'd started maybe a decade ago and just recently fished out again, in my "oooh I forgot it's fun to make stuff" phase.

So I brought the piece to match the thread and then grabbed a couple of similar colours to compare.  When I found the one I wanted, I put away my piece and purchased the thread, along with some awesome wool.

I nearly died when I got home and saw that I'd accidentally slipped one of the other threads into my bag when I put my piece away.  OH NO!

So instead of marching back and handing it over to them, I marched back to the store, slunk around and casually put it back.  I was so scared they'd think I'd stolen it on purpose and didn't want to explain to them that I'd only accidentally stolen it and was now returning it I'm SO SORRY! so I secretly returned the thing they probably never knew was missing in the first place.

And I still feel guilty about it!

But yeah, I've had a few glitches, and I still make a mistake every time I make something, but there seems to be a general philosophy with those who knit, or at least those I know who knit.  And that is that life is imperfect, and when you make something, it should also have an imperfection in it, to show it reflects the reality of life.

My Mom told me that she heard that Persian rug makers purposely make a flaw in each of their rugs just for this reason.

I don't purposely make them, but I do let one mistake go when I do make it, and tell myself it's just like life.  Flawed but still good.

Traditions Passed

Something I keep meaning to tell you about, is the fact that this summer, when we were waiting for Dad's surgery, and we three spent a lot of time together trying not to worry, I asked my Mom to re-teach me something she'd taught me as a child, but that I hadn't taken to at the time.

I asked her if she'd re-teach me to knit.

I grew up with Mom always knitting something, and had really cool sweaters (yes, they were cool!) and things and even as I got older, she, for example, knitted me a Harry Potter scarf, just like theirs (!) when the first movie came out, and knitted me a little outfit for my teddy bear when his stomach started wearing away (and the outfit matches my comforter, how adorable is that don't you just want to hug my Mom?!)

I think when she first taught me I just didn't see the point.  Or maybe it felt too complicated.  But this time round, I wanted a distraction, and I also wanted to carry on her knowledge and ability, one that I know she learned from her mother and Aunts, and one that I wanted to at least try, even if I wasn't all that good.

So Mom patiently taught me how to do the simplest of stitches and, again, patiently put up with me when I'd get all flustered when I would make a mistake.  And after the first few days of making a bit of a muddle of things, I started to find my way, and got totally hooked.

One of our local department stores was closing and selling of... everything, and so I went in and bought some cheap wool.  And I started making things!

Well, really, I started making square things.  Or rectangular things.  Facecloths at first.  (I called the first one the "holey facecloth" because it had quite a number of "whoopsies" and holes in it.

I made my first actually decent piece for my Dad, a facecloth for him to use to clean his wound after his surgery, and it was nice to see a ball of nothing, turn into an actual something, and then to be able to give it to him to use.

It was really a cool feeling.

So then I went to one of the fancier wool shops downtown and bought some lovely, soft wool (I know it's probably not wool, but I just call it that anyway) and made a simple scarf for my girlfriend who was having a baby.

And again, the feeling of having turned a pile of string into an actual thing that then someone could use and see and feel and appreciate?  Was pretty awesome.

I've always been a creative person.  But no one can wear your drawing, or your dance piece, or your monologue.  So to be able to make something physical and useful is really really nice.

And fun.

The third thing I made was a super cozy and pretty cowl neck scarf for me!  And every time I wear it, I think "man, I MADE this!" and "I'm so warm!"  It's awesome.

I'm really happy I asked.

I learned how to knit, y'all!

Shhhhhh

I feel like I should say this very quietly, in almost a whisper, because I generally try to stay away from news/politics or in this case, a media feeding frenzy.

But I feel like I can't quite talk about Jay right now until this whole obsession with the guy who was duped into believing in a fake girlfriend he'd never met blows over.

I've already been teased by friends about not having met Jay and while I guess it's funny to tease me somehow,  I actually just feel bad for the guy, and that the people who did it are mean.

So I won't go into it any further, but just... also won't talk about the guy I haven't met yet, either.  Don't feel like fielding any more jokes at my expense.  Or his, for that matter.

So, let's just pretend I never wrote this post, shall we?

Moving along, nothing to see here.

Sigh

So, do you remember this?

Well, maybe you don't remember it because I didn't actually post about it but just thought I posted about it?

But, anyway, it's a photo I took in mid-October because the store I was in had both Halloween cards AND Christmas cards and it sent me on a rant.

So, when I was in another store yesterday, and saw the Valentine's things out, I was like "ok, I'll allow it, it's a month away" but then when I turned around and saw that across from the Valentine's things they had put out Easter things?

I just had to hang my head, sigh like Charlie Brown and walk away.

Can't stop commercialism, can't stop consumerism. 

Suppose I'll just have to eat the Cadbury's Creme eggs to make myself feel better.

Except they'll just, somehow, make me feel worse.

*GASP!*

I know.

Crazy, right?

Sigh.

It's only January, Mr Easter Bunny.  Gimme a break would ya?

Um

I don't know what I thought when I was younger, but now that I'm not entirely young anymore, I think I know what sucks most about getting older... about aging.

It's the physical stuff.

I don't know why this wasn't more obvious to me, and I bet most people are looking at me with one eyebrow raised right now in that "are you serious?" kind of way, but I don't know.  I just kind of, somehow didn't think about it.

It's like going out for a couple of drinks and then waking up the next morning super sleepy and exhausted like you stayed up til four in the morning when really it wasn't even midnight and didn't you used to be able to drink a gallon of whatever and bounce back the next day?

But not even that, it's the "I injured my toe and it's still hurting months later" rather than "Yeah, so I injured my toe and now a week later I'm all good."

What's the deal with that?

I feel kind of like no one warned me.  Like, shouldn't someone have told the 17 year old me that a) your body is frigging rocking right now, hot stuff and b) please indulge in the fact that nothing hurts or aches or takes for frigging ever to heal/get better.

I can't even get a cut now without it taking way longer to heal.

I guess I just have to get used to this.

Just please someone tell me it doesn't just keep getting worse?

Please?

Wha?

Over the holidays, my brain had a moment of confusion that was more than my usual "why did I walk into this room again?" kind of deal.

See, Vince (who, no, I haven't heard from since the last night he came over, ahem, was I right or was I right, I called him on his sh*it...) as it turns out, still wears the same cologne he did when we were together four hundred and thirty years ago. 

(Ok, it just feels like that but still)

And it's a nice smell, and I'm not really someone who likes cologne but Vince has always smelled good and still does, which you know, smell is an extremely powerful sense and it brings back memories, unbidden.

Which is why it was so awkward to give my brother a hug when we went to go see them over Christmas and to have him smell the same as Vince!

My brain didn't know what to do with it.  No!  Brother!  Vince!  Confused!  Circuit overload!  Beep beep beep, explode!

My poor brain, can't keep up with unexpected surprises.

Sad

I'm feeling a little blue.

After just losing one of my "second fathers" to cancer, another one of my best friend's Dads has been diagnosed with a very late stage, aggressive cancer.

We're waiting to find out the prognosis, but I'm already exhausted, and drained.

I've responded pretty well in terms of being positive and wanting to be there for my friend and, well, honestly, our family, but I haven't responded very well in terms of the pile of junk food I've consumed in the last few days.

Which maybe isn't helping me feel any better.

But, I'm blue.  Suppose I'm writing this in a down moment, but still.

I wish this wasn't happening.  Sometimes life feels super yucky.

Deep Breath

I know for some people, what's happening with Jay and I, or even just with me, really, is unsettling, or not... understandable.

And I completely get that.  Were I on the outside, looking in on this, I wouldn't understand or trust, or even believe in what was going on.

Perhaps in a similar way, I've had a hard time trusting two of my good friends who have recently gone through separations and divorces, and got into new relationships.  From the outside, it felt, to me, that they were moving too quickly, not protecting themselves from further hurt.  And it was hard to celebrate with them when I just wanted to make sure they were going to be ok in the long run.

But that's also what friendship is about, no?  Being there for them if they aren't ok in the long run.  And being happy for them if and when they are.

In terms of the situation I am currently in, well, to paraphrase Jay's own words, here... we are both very aware of the risks and have talked about them and have chosen to try to reduce them.  To bear them in mind, be, aware of them.  We have also agreed to get to know each other once we meet.   Which I think is key.

What we have right in this moment may not translate into person when we meet.  And we're both ok with that.  We have committed to being willing to start again, completely from scratch when we do meet, to start to get to know each other, as two people just meeting for the first time and to see where things go from there.

And knowing that we can't control that, can't control how things will go when we do meet, we've both chosen to be happy in the moment.  To enjoy the relationship we have with each other right now, right here and now, for what it is in this moment.  To not spend our time thinking about the future, well, really, to not waste our time thinking about the future.

What we have right now is really really cool.  And it makes both of us happy, and there's no harm in that.  As for the rest?  We know.  We're aware. And we'll figure it out.

I think, honestly, that the concerns some people have are legitimate, and expected, and neither of us is ignoring them, and I would probably have the same concerns if someone else were to find themselves in a situation similar to this one.  I mean, I still have concerns that one of my friends' new girlfriend is talking about moving from her hometown to be with him and he's not yet legally divorced.  When you care about someone, it's hard not to have concerns for their feelings.

But Jay and I are... I think, going to be ok, even if things don't go the way we would both (or maybe all of us) like it to go.  In the future.

The same future that isn't quite here yet.

Well Then

If I've learned anything from watching a television drama about a fake biker gang, it's that you really shouldn't fall in love with someone if a) you are in a fake biker gang or b) they are in a fake biker gang.

The same could go for real biker gangs for all I know, but I'm not going to find out because tv has taught me better.

Oh, and?  If you watch three seasons of a tv show in as many weeks, you will start to wonder why so many things go wrong for these people and why they don't just have a good day now and then.

The more you know!  (Rainbow Star)

Thank You, Mr. Mali

How Falling in Love is like Owning a Dog
by Taylor Mali

First of all, it’s a big responsibility,
especially in a city like New York.
So think long and hard before deciding on love.
On the other hand, love gives you a sense of security:
when you’re walking down the street late at night
and you have a leash on love
ain’t no one going to mess with you.
Because crooks and muggers think love is unpredictable.
Who knows what love could do in its own defense?

On cold winter nights, love is warm.
It lies between you and lives and breathes
and makes funny noises.
Love wakes you up all hours of the night with its needs.
It needs to be fed so it will grow and stay healthy.

Love doesn’t like being left alone for long.
But come home and love is always happy to see you.
It may break a few things accidentally in its passion for life,
but you can never be mad at love for long.

Is love good all the time? No! No!
Love can be bad. Bad, love, bad! Very bad love.

Love makes messes.
Love leaves you little surprises here and there.
Love needs lots of cleaning up after.
Somethimes you just want to get love fixed.
Sometimes you want to roll up a piece of newspaper
and swat love on the nose,
not so much to cause pain,
just to let love know Don’t you ever do that again!

Sometimes love just wants to go out for a nice long walk.
Because love loves exercise. It will run you around the block
and leave you panting, breathless. Pull you in different directions
at once, or wind itself around and around you
until you’re all wound up and you cannot move.

But love makes you meet people wherever you go.
People who have nothing in common but love
stop and talk to each other on the street.

Throw things away and love will bring them back,
again, and again, and again.
But most of all, love needs love, lots of it.
And in return, love loves you and never stops.

Taylor Mali

Well, That Didn't Feel Nice

I told Jay about this blog, and he asked if he could read it.

I said, sure, but maybe just not right away.

I said that partially it was because I wanted him to get to know ME first, before he got to know this version/side of me.

And also partially because once he's read some of the stories here, I'll feel like I'm telling them to him twice.

But I also wanted him to know more about who I am, and my writing is a part of that, as is my photography, and well, they're both represented here.

So I sent him the link and then started reading through some of my archives to see what he'd be reading.

And my early stuff makes me laugh.

Which then makes me a little sad because I was lighter and freer way back in 2006, and how *did* I lose that?

(And, on a side note, I found a few typos and broken links that I feel like I should go back and fix, but soon. Let's just put that on the "to do" list for now.)

I fast forwarded through a few years to see what I'd written about Smith, the last significant relationship (Bird and Chad not really included in "significant") I've spoken about here, and reading through those thoughts really upset me.

Upset me because I'd forgotten how much I was hurting, and how sad I felt through most of our relationship, beyond the heady early days.

And then, upset me because I started to think... crap, what if I'm doing the same thing here... and my mind wandered off down that unhappy road for a while.

But then I stopped myself.

First off.  Jay is not Smith.

Not at all.  Not even close.

With Smith?  I never knew where I stood, or where we stood.  And with Jay, I know exactly where we both are, and were we are as an "us".

And although Jay and I may not have met yet, we're already really close.  And we've already talked through some problems and some worries and some things that are really healthy and adult and, well, what I'd always hoped for in a relationship.

But maybe even more than that?

I'm not the same anymore.

I'm not the same person I was when I met Smith.

And I have to remember that too.

And I have to remember to stop jumping ahead.  Or behind, I suppose.

Jay and I have a really good thing right now.

And the future will happen when it happens and we will figure that out and deal with that then.  Not now.

We've committed to getting to know each other, and to working through any initial awkwardness when we meet, and we've committed to figuring out, for good or bad, what to do once we do get to meet.

That was never a commitment I had or felt from Smith.

So, this is different.

But, still.  It's hard to look back on old posts and see where I was hopeful and tried to make something work that didn't.

And it's hard to want to protect myself from doing the same thing, possibly, again.

But that's not fair to me, or to Jay, or to anything, really.

Smith and I weren't meant to be, and I struggled to make it be.

I don't know yet if Jay and I are meant to be (but I think, and hope, and very often believe we are) but I'm not struggling.  It's just... good.  And simple.  And feels right.

Smith never felt right.  Or, I suppose "Smith and I together" never felt right.

Jay does.  And Jay and I do.

So no more comparisons.  Just what is.







Oh, and a mental note to myself?  Don't re-read the old posts about things and guys that didn't work out.  It'll just make you feel blue. 

The end.

Outta Left Field, Is Where

One of the (numerous) things I appreciate, and admire about Jay is his openness and honesty.

I don't ever wonder what Jay's thinking because he tells me.  And if I do wonder?  I just ask.  And then he tells me.

And he's open about how he's feeling, whether it's "man, I'm having a rough day at work here" or it's "you know what, I really like you" he tells me.

And it feels really nice.

It feels really nice to hear what he's thinking and feeling and, I'll blush when I type this, it's really nice to hear how he's feeling about me.

And I believe him.

It's the strangest thing.  Or maybe it's not.  But the more I talk with him and get to know him, the more I like myself.  It's like, hey, I really think this guy is cool and interesting and kind and caring, and he likes me.  And if he likes me?  There must be things about me to like.

Which is funny, and maybe a little sad, because I feel like I used to know that about myself.  And it's not that I *didn't*, it's just that it's easier to see it through someone else's eyes.

There's an amazing joy in thinking, or maybe being reminded that I have a lot to offer.  Not just to my job and my friends and my family, but to a significant person.

I think I forgot that over the years.  Not just over the years of being single, but over the years of being in less than stellar, supportive relationships.

Because if Jay is anything, it's supportive.

This man is accepting of my flaws.. the one's he's met via this process anyway (hello, I'm insecure and worry a lot, and I haven't hidden it from him) and that leads me to start believing that he will be accepting of any other flaws that may show up when he meets me in person (of course I'm mostly believing those will be flaws of physical appearance, but that's my issue to work through, not his.)

And so because we've always been open and honest with each other, when I say to him, hey, I feel like maybe what I'm about to say will scare you away (insecurity and anxiety gang up on me a lot, the bastards) he listens and then says, hey, no problem, I'm not scared away, I'm still here.

And it makes me feel like fainting and crying and jumping for joy all at once.

So because I've forbidden myself from having more than fleeting moments of "what if", I just stay in the moment of what we have now.  And what we have now is a really good, solid, healthy relationship that's been built on honesty, openness and trust.

Like, wow.

Where did this guy come from, right?

Yes, Operator?

Yes, over the phone.

Jay had asked if I wanted to video chat, but I didn't.  Didn't feel quite ready for the unflatteringness that is video chat.

(Seriously, I have met no friend of mine yet who does not agree, SO unflattering!)

But I said that I thought I would be ok with talking on the phone.

(Even though, if I haven't mentioned it before, I hate talking to people I don't know well on the phone.  I think it comes from talking to relatives I'd never met over Christmas as a kid.  Bad line connection, nothing to say, feeling shy and awkward.  I still don't like the first few phone calls with new friends or acquaintances.)

So one morning, I think it was a weekend morning, after a particularly difficult and intense conversation the night before, he asked if he could phone, and I said yes.

And my phone rang, I picked it up, and he didn't sound how I expected.

Well, of COURSE he didn't, I tell myself now, but at the time it threw my brain right off.  Uh... this... is a stranger... I don't... know how to talk.  What... am I supposed to say... um.. hi.. So... Uh.

Shit  (But I didn't say that one out loud)

I felt really awkward and uncomfortable for the first few minutes and of course I thought, well, this was nice while it lasted, but now it's done, and I'm out, this is just... so awkward.

But then he found an old email I'd sent him, asking random questions, and he talked me through the details of his answers.  "No, I've never actually sleepwalked, I don't think, but I do have a friend who, etc., etc." and before I knew it I was laughing away and we were just talking.

And I think we probably talked for two hours, or close to it, before he pointed out that my morning is his very late at night and he should probably get some sleep.

And we've talked a few more times since, and it's actually to the point where I can honestly say I sometimes miss his voice. 

It's funny, though, because when I mention to people that we've talked on the phone, they all say the same thing.  "Phone sex?!!"

Which, no!  But it makes me laugh every time, because everyone seems to want to ask, and I don't know why they assume that that'd be the only reason we'd talk on the phone.

We just talk on the phone to talk.

Like when he called me on New Years, just to wish me a good New Year.

And, yes.  I'm smiling as I type that.

Closer

And I knew we were getting closer and closer because we talked about it.

"I really like talking to you, Victoria."

"I really like talking to you too, Jay."

And I started signing off my emails with "hugs", a sign off usually reserved for my friends.

And he started signing off with "Jay xoxo."

I'm not the same person I was the last time I started a relationship.  And I'm sure as heck not the same person I was when I started the relationship before that.

And so while I was tentative in sharing how I felt with Jay, I also didn't see the big risk.  If he scared off when I said something about how much I enjoyed his emails, then, at two weeks in, it wasn't a big loss.

I think, when I realized, as I said to C-Dawg, that I was falling in like with him, I just turned around and told him I'd said as much to her.

Because it just felt like the thing to do.  To just be open, and honest and upfront with this guy, as he'd been open and honest and upfront with me.

I can't remember what exactly he said to that, maybe he just smiled, emoticon style or something, but I also mentioned, that for whatever it was worth, I was hiding my online profile because I didn't want to talk to anyone else.

And do you know what Jay and I did when I mentioned that?

We talked about it.

Which we've done about everything since the start.

My guess would have been that he would have been like "woah, slow down there mama!" but instead he said "well, are we then committing to getting to know each other and not anyone else?" which... as you can imagine, made me feel all girly and giggly and smile the most beaming smile ever.

I felt shy.

"Yes.  I'd like that, I think.  I mean, yes.  I would.  I'm blushing."

And, oh.  I suppose I should mention that we "talked about it" over the phone.

Unblocking My Brain

So, where do I start, with regards to Jay?

I suppose, I start where I left off, which was sort of somewhere in the middle.

Jay and I started messaging on the online site, he went away.  He came back.  We weren't able to meet.  He told me he had to go away again, and gave me his email.  I decided to email.  We started emailing back and forth.  And then more.  And more.  And I really liked getting to know him.

And he liked getting to know me.

A few weeks into our emails becoming more than just small talk, which, really, I have to say, they sort of did right away (I should remember to try to explain that some time) I felt like I was really starting to like this guy.  And I told C-Dawg as much.

And then I think I sort of skipped ahead in telling you about things, and mentioned that I'd freaked out and Vince had sorted me out with some good advice.  Yes?

Right.

So let's see. . .

One of the things that has just ... worked, for Jay and I, is that I felt comfortable with him from the get go.  I think it partly has to do with the fact that he works for a trustworthy company/organization and never kept anything from me.  The email he gave me, in case I "wanted to send [him] an email" was his full name.  Which I thought was pretty trusting, especially as we hadn't met in person yet.  I'm usually comfortable enough sharing my cell number (I have a home phone too, so my cell's more of a texting machine) but generally don't share my main email account.

But he gave me his email and so I typed his name into google.

Now, in telling this story I've had some people look at me aghast.  You did what? 

Um... I looked him up on google... doesn't everyone do that?

Apparently happily married women have no need to google strangers but, whatever, I always do.

(Oh, and a side story... because I can.  When I told this story to some people and they were like you googled him!? Another girl spoke up and mentioned that a friend of hers had met a guy online and had really liked him and then he took off.  She said after he took off her friend typed his name into google and found out he had been arrested for sexual assault.  So.. yeah... that's why you google.  You see what comes up.)

And when I did that, there were no red flags.  Nothing that made question that he was anything other than a good guy.  Which, to be honest, I expected.

His profile had been pretty simple and straightforward, talked about who he was, and what he was looking for.  It also mentioned, in passing, his political leanings, and, well, they jibed with mine.

So I appreciated that he was being open with his life by giving me his email, so I decided to email him from my main email account as well.

And from there, I would read his emails and find what he had to say interesting, if a bit formal, and so I enjoyed the conversations.

I think because there was nothing to lose and because it just felt right, I didn't feel the need to be anything other than open and honest, and so I told him about the group where Bird and I met, and I thought it might be something he'd be interested in.  Turns out he was, and I was relieved he hadn't been turned off by it, and I guess I felt safe and comfortable from then, just being myself.

From right at the start, when I decided to just, oh, what the heck, email this guy.  And then decided to, oh what the heck just tell him honestly, about my life, I just followed my gut.

I don't know why, but it just felt like the right thing to do, so I did it.

And so we started getting closer and closer.

Ellipsis

So, Jay.

I... do not know how to talk about Jay.

It's the strangest thing, because he is constantly in my thoughts, but when I go to try to explain it to anyone, I can't find the words.

Jay understands, I know this much, but I only wish I could share what we have with others.

Maybe I'm afraid to because there are still things uncertain until we meet.  And maybe I don't want to tell everyone just how it is I'm feeling we're feeling because there is still the chance that it won't work out when we do meet.

And maybe I'll feel a little less silly if it doesn't work out and I haven't told everyone how amazing it is right now.

But, just so you know.  It is.  Really amazing.

So maybe I just need time to figure out how to translate that to here.

Maybe I don't have to tell *everyone* right now... but I would like to share it with you.

That's what I'm going to try to do anyway, even if just a little bit here and there.

Ok?

Ok, Nevermind

It's like this blog is magic or something...

After yesterday's post, I had to chuckle when Vince texted me last night to come over.

I was a little nervous, and wasn't sure how to bring up the topic, but did, eventually manage, and it cleared the air for me a great deal.

No, he's not snooping around for anything.  We already covered that, and I didn't think he was, just other people had put that thought into my head.

Yes, in an ideal situation he would be comfortable telling his wife who he was hanging out with and when, but apparently that doesn't really happen and so he hangs out with friends, male and female, for coffee or whatnot without checking in with her. 

And I suppose that's their business.

He says he guesses that his wife would be mad if she found out we're hanging out but for him he's not doing anything wrong, and if he were doing anything wrong, he wouldn't do it.  If that makes sense.  (It made sense when he said it, I'm just misremembering it.)  (Heh, I originally typed that as "misremembering it wrong" but then figured that was a double negative that would mean I was remembering it perfectly!)

So, no, Vince is not coming over in the evenings looking to start the affair we both said we weren't going to have. 

Like I said to him, it's like hanging out with an old friend.  And for me, it is just that.  An old friend that I don't even change out of pjs to see, or even put on makeup or nothing.  He's already seen me naked, so it's not like I have to impress him.

After that slightly awkward part of the conversation was over, I talked to him a bit about Jay and then he had to go.

Which was fine, and leaves me wondering if I will hear from him again or if he now feels there's no need to come by.

If I'm right, and it's just been friendly and platonic, I'll hear from him some point next week.

If my friend was right, and he's been fishing for something "extra", I won't hear from him for a while.

Guess we'll have to see.

But I'm expecting a "hey, are you busy, can I stop by?" text by the middle of next week.  I don't think he's got a cheating bone in his body.

(Please do not insert bad joke here, thank you.)

Unsettled

I don't know what to do about Vince, if anything.

He texts me about once a week, in the evenings, to see if I'd like some company for a bit.  And he'll come over, we'll chat about whatever, and an hour or so later he'll leave, go back to work.

As I understand it, he works late in his office, once his family time is done, so that he has some quiet.  And then since his office is near my place, and he feels like a break, he stops by.

Isn't really a big deal right?

I mean, there's no sexual tension anymore, well, at least not on my end, and other than a hug and a kiss goodbye when he leaves, there's no contact, not even any sitting on the same couch.  Just two friends having a chat.

Except, are we friends?

Well, sure.  We used to love each other, I still care about him as a person, and it would seem he still cares about me, and so that's part of friendship, no?

And we're both in relationships, even if mine isn't traditional (yet) and his isn't peaches and cream.  But maybe that's what disturbs me.  The relationships we're both in.

See, I've told Jay about Vince.  And that we chat, hang out from time to time.  But Vince hasn't told his wife.  And that doesn't sit well with me.

Even though it's all "above board" (to use his words) I still think it's less than honest to disappear for an hour or two and to be somewhere other than where your partner thinks you are (at work), especially if you're visiting someone who used to be more than a friend, and maybe especially if that person, just recently told you you were really good in bed.

But I feel like I don't want to bring it up every time he wants to hang out.  Hey, told your wife we chill?

But I feel like I almost have to.  I don't know.

When he's here, it feels utterly platonic.  Really.  Like a brother.

But lately, after his last visit, where I wondered, as I went in for a peck goodbye, and am not completely sure that's what his lips were expecting, I'm not sure I want him to come by again.

Maybe if we'd never given a goodbye kiss, maybe it wouldn't be on my mind.  But the last couple of times he's texted, I've avoided saying he could come over.  Have told him I was just heading to bed, or whatnot, when really, I was just not feeling like seeing him.  Or, more likely, was waiting for Jay to have a break in his day where we could chat.

So I don't know what to do.  Do I let him know next time he texts that I don't want his company?  Do I have him come over and tell him face to face what I'm thinking?  Do I just not do anything and play it by ear?

So far, it's depended who I've asked.  I have some friends who are like, you know what?  It's no big deal, whatever, you guys talk, who cares.  And some who are like, yeah, no that's not cool.  And yet another who told me, just the other day that this is how men start an affair, they find something else they can move on to and then move on, and leave.

And dudes.  I do not want a relationship with Vince.  Even if Jay weren't in the picture, I wouldn't.  But especially with Jay in the picture I don't.

And I don't want to assume that that's what Vince is wanting or doing, but I also really have no idea why he's coming over.

And I don't know how to ask.

Other than, dude, seriously, why are you always coming over?

There's an amused part of me that just wants to stall him for another few months, until Jay gets back into town and then get a text and say, sure, come on by!  At which point, I'll just be hanging on the couch with Jay, all, oh hey Vince, come on in, we were just about to play Monopoly!  Or something equally "see, this is not just a secret anymore."

I don't know.  It's just not feeling 100% kosher.  Because I don't know quite where he's coming from.

I guess I'll just find a way to ask, if I ever do let him over again.

Sam Crow

I took a few extra days off over the holidays, and I'm really glad I did.  I got to relax and just do nothing, and I needed that.

Now, nothing is a relative term as VISA and my savings account will tell you (HELLO NEW LAPTOP YOU ARE SO SO PRETTY!) and one of the things I did while I was "doing nothing", was try a couple of shows people had recommended to me.

One of them was Boardwalk Empire, which I like, and the other was Sons of Anarchy.

Now, let me just be really honest with you guys here, because what's the point of having this blog if I'm not totally honest, right?

Right.  So here's the truth of it.

I don't watch Sons of Anarchy for the plot, or the show, or even because I'm particularly paying attention or invested in the characters.

I watch Sons of Anarchy for Jax Teller.

Like, seriously, omg really, just for him.  Not for the actor, I'm sure I've seen him in this, that or the other before, I'm just watching for the character.

He is so deliciously good and bad and has the wickedest little bad boy smile that would make me stop what I'm doing, strip off my pants, just to throw my panties at him.  No questions asked.

He is delightful and delicious and the only reason I am watching the show.

Sure, there are two other characters I think are quite nice, but I'm not even sure what their names are, and I think there's bad stuff happening with some rival motorcycle gangs or whatever, and oh, yeah, Hellboy's in charge (seriously, I can only see him as Hellboy) which always makes me wonder why he's not red, but seriously.  Jackson Teller.  Worth watching an entire tv show for.

I mean, if you're into that whole bad boy thing.

Whoooo mama.

*fans self*

Perfect

This made me cry for oh so many reasons.



Heart - Stairway to Heaven Led Zeppelin - Kennedy Center Honors 

Now I need a hug.

Yay!

The days are starting to get longer again.  I can feel it and I (like to think I) can see it, and man oh man, I'm so happy about that.

Phew.

One of the Three Wise Men

Yes, Vince.

He's been by a few times since we reconnected, and a few times still since we had the "let's not have sex" talk.

And the fact that he's been by a few times since that is another story, but for now I have to share with you the unexpectedly great advice he gave me.

See, Jay and I had just had a big conversation, something about how when we met, what if we didn't click in this way or that, and the conversation had really thrown me.

I was suddenly reminded that I was investing myself in something that had a shot of not working out because we have not met yet, and might meet and... not like each other.  And I was really choked.

And freaked out.

And Vince wanted to come by and I figured even if I wasn't in the best mood, it would be better to have some company to distract me rather than sitting and stewing by myself.

So he came by and we chatted about Christmas and family and work and life.  And then I asked him if I could use him as a sounding board.

Jay had been really good, we'd emailed back and forth about how I was feeling and he'd been great.  (He is great...) but the panic had set in and I had pushed him away (ironic that you can still do that via email... ok, I'm going to go here, bye) and was freaking out all on my own.  So I wanted to hear what Vince had to say, and if he thought my fears were sensible or... what.

I told him how I really liked this guy and felt like we had a lot of potential but that I was really freaking out about the fact that when we meet, we might not hit it off.  That he might not like X, Y, or Z about me, or I about him.  And that I didn't know what to do but my instincts were telling me to just get the eff out of there right now and save myself from the potential future hurt.

And Vince listened.... I'd worried that he would be judgmental about it all, but he wasn't, and when I was done he said "Victoria?  Why are you so worried about the future?  What's the point in thinking about what if?"

And I tried to argue the reasons for saving yourself from future hurt, but he just kept making sense.

"Why not just focus on what you have right here right now.  Sure, maybe things will not be great at some point in the future, but life's like that, it has good and bad, and why spend time and energy focussed on something in the future that may or may not even ever happen, when you have things happening right now that you can think about and enjoy."

"Just be in the moment, and stop thinking about 'what if'"

"But..." I tried to argue, "thinking about the what if can be fun?  Like, what if it goes really well?"

"Just stop thinking about it."

"But, if you cover the possible what if's of what could go wrong, you save yourself the future hurt, no?"

"No.  You just spend time and energy thinking about something that's not now.  Seriously.  Cut it out.  Stop all the what if.  Just.  Stop it.  Seriously."

"When did you get to be so wise?"

And maybe he was that wise when we were together, and I just didn't notice, or maybe he's matured over the years, or maybe a combination of the two, but you guys?  When I woke up the next morning (post mindfulness exercises of course, which also are all about the here and now and no what if's) I felt completely different.

It was night and day, the feeling of just being present in today, versus the feeling of being all wrapped up in the possibilities of the "what if" of the future.

180 degrees different.  And it feels so much better.  So, so much better.

So I emailed Jay.  "We can't talk about what if anymore.  It's making me crazy, and it's not helping, and it's not good.  We can't talk about it anymore.  Ok?"

So we remind ourselves and each other not to.  And we just focus on what we have right now.  Which is a really unique, interesting, positive, uplifting, awesome, fun relationship despite the fact that we haven't met in person.  (Yet.)

I would never have expected such wise, helpful advice to come from Vince, but maybe I've dated better men than I remember.

And I'm so grateful that he was able to get that thought into my somewhat thick noggin.

Just living in today in my relationship with Jay has been the most amazing thing.

It takes effort sometimes, sure, but it's so worth it.

And I think it's a massive life lesson and reminder for me too.  Stop thinking about all the "what if's" Victoria.  They're not here.  Good or bad.  All that's here is the now.  So think about that, screw the "what if's".

Deal with what is or isn't when it's here.  Not before.  Because that's silly.  And useless.  And tiring.  And not fun.

And fun is way better.

Be Here Now

One of the things I started to work on this summer when we were waiting for Dad's second surgery, was, something my counsellor/psychologist recommended.  A book, and a CD of exercises that centered around the idea of being in the moment, being "mindful."

Now I've rarely finished a self-help book although over the years I've started many of them. (Like, many.)  But the one he had me read, I read through fairly quickly, and really got what was being said, and why.  So I decided to stick on the CD and do one of the exercises.  And while I'd imagined it would be like the meditation CDs I've tried "take a deep breath, imagine yourself at the side of the ocean" (and then I'd fall asleep mid way through them and wake up when the tape {yes tape!} clicked to a stop) it wasn't.

It was more about focussing on something other than the thoughts that continually race through your brain/mind (well, through mine at least, in a really really annoying way) and for me?  It really really worked.  I noticed after doing it the first couple of times that I would absolutely come out of the other side feeling calmer and that calmness was a total relief.

Even if it only took me down from a worry or anxiety level of 95% to 83% it was still a relief and I needed that this summer.

It was the first time I was able to find something that really stilled or stopped or at least slowed town the noise in my head, and it was really helpful.

I found once things settled, I didn't keep up with it consistently, and then I noticed the ironic pattern.  I wouldn't keep up with the exercises, and then I wouldn't sleep as well and then I would feel more tired, so I wouldn't take the time to do the exercises, so I wouldn't sleep as well, so I would feel even more tired, etc.

So I'd remind myself to do one most nights before bed, and I noticed, again, that I felt calmer, and slept better.

But again, when things felt better, I'd kind of stop, usually just honestly, genuinely forgetting.

A few weeks back, Jay and I had some fairly intense, serious conversations, and my brain was reeling.  (And, yes, I think we're going with Jay for this fellow.  He's ok with it.  And I am too.  Compromise!)

Add on to that the fact that I was so excited about how things were going, and the excitement and the anxiety and the serious all joined together and I was in a "I can't eat, I can't sleep" state and my brain was a complete mess.  An totally obsessed whirling of non-stop chatter and doubt and excited mess.

So I forced myself to start doing my mindfulness exercises every evening. 

And the first few nights of that week they were so hard.  There wasn't a lot of calming or focus on anything but "what if what if what if what if but what if omg what if?" but still, I would feel infinitesimally better and that was enough to remind me to do it again the next night before bed.  To take ten, fifteen minutes to try to calm my mind and quiet my thoughts.

And I've done it every night since.

And man oh man does it help. 

I think maybe it's just perfectly suited for my mind/brain.  And that it's just the perfect combination of everything I need to mellow out.  And therefore sleep.  Which then helps even more.  Etc, etc.

And I'm so grateful that something I would never have discovered if not for that counsellor/psychologist has been so helpful for me and my sanity.

And then there was Vince.  And Vince's advice.

Anew

Happy New Year my friends.

May this year bring you joy and peace, and some really great memories.

May your sorrows be few, and your heart be light.

I love fresh, new things.  Endless possibilities, glasses half full, lots of hope and potential.

I have a good feeling about this year, you guys.  Here's to two thousand and thirteen.

Happy New Year!