Like Animotion Says

Let me start by saying I don't really know what it means when people say someone has an "addictive personality" but I always sort of take it to mean that they're more inclined to get addicted to alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, sex, gambling, or whatever else it is that's unhealthy and takes over lives.

When I look at myself, in general, I don't see that I have a problem with addictions.  I'm not a smoker...drinker.. drug user...gambler... and I haven't had you know what since Jay was last in town, so I'm not a you know what addict either.

But I do think I have an addiction.

Technology.

My computer.  Games on my phone.  The internet.

All of it.

I can't stop.

I mean I can.  When I was at Burning Man, the entire week I didn't give a hoot about my phone or my email or anything.  A lot of that was because it was all so stimulating.  You could NOT be bored there.  And my brain wasn't.

But outside of that, it's different.

And I noticed over the holidays that my interactions with technology are not serving me.

I don't... exactly enjoy it.  I mean I do, clearly, and my brain likes the sort of zone out of playing this game or reading that site, but it doesn't... make me happy, or fill my soul (I know that sounds cheesy) or add much to my life.

I tried, over the holidays to put the damn computer down and read.

But I fell asleep.

I tried to put the computer down and draw... knit...anything.

But my brain wanted more.

Wanted to check one more thing, see if something had changed, try one more level of that game.

I kind of hated it.

But I also couldn't, and didn't stop.

And I think that's an addiction.

So, knowing I can be incredibly stubborn when I want to be, how do I change this?  What do I do instead?

How do I distract myself and not be bored and not continually be hooked on my computer.

Watching a show... reading things...looking at things...checking things...things, things, things, things, so many.

I remember a while ago... a few years ago?  Banning myself from stumbleupon because I was spending too much time just click click clicking.

Did the same with Fark.

And some other websites.

Now I'm down to maybe four or five (...maybe a few more?) that I check all the damn time, and a few more I just go to once a day to see if there are updates.

But then there's the shows to watch.  I've even been watching (insert name of show here which will offend people if I admit I'm not really enjoying it) even though I don't really like it.  I found myself putting it on in the evening the other day while I was cooking and... not watching half of it.  Couldn't tell you why.  Just did.

Was it this bad when Jay was living here?

Heck no.

We'd watch a show together once a week, maybe twice if that.  I'd check my email and a site or two, but we'd talk, walk, do things together and so I didn't need the computer distraction all the time.

Because, that's what it is.  A distraction.

I feel like I have to keep my brain overstimulated to shut it down.  Like, when I go on the treadmill at the gym, I have my earphones in with music playing AND I'm reading a magazine.  While being physically active.  And it calms me down somehow?  To have all that going on?  I don't know.

I just know my relationship with my computer (and phone) and the internet is not healthy, and I don't like it and I want it to change.

Just not sure how, or what to replace it all with.  Because I need the down time zoning out on the web or watching a show provides.  But I also know I'm wasting literally years of my life on the web or watching tv shows.

And that's not really a life, is it.