Even If My Cheeks Burn With It
I want to say things that aren't necessarily nice (or calmly thought through) that will push him to say things that aren't nice (or calmly thought through) that will make it blindingly obvious that I should never have been in this relationship in the first place and should never ever speak to this person ever again. And I want to make a permanent statement or make it so that I am never going to be around or never going to speak to this person ever again. Like when DD and I split I collected all his things, put them in a box and gave them to him as I escorted him out the door. Done. Over. Goodbye.
And, no, I'm not really sure what that's about... or if it's self-preservation or self-destructive.
I'm angry at (with?) Jason as I write this. The why doesn't matter. It's even possible that by the time this is posted the why won't matter any more, but the last time I was angry with Jason and I lashed out a bit (or at least it felt like I did because I didn't hold my tongue and bite down the anger like I'm used to doing in a relationship) and I discovered that he's a mature adult. Unlike some of the people I've dated and become angry with (coughJaycough.)
See, so far when I've felt angry, Jason has allowed me to vent. Because that's usually what it is. Sure, some of what I'm saying when I'm venting is valid but talking about whatever the issue is when I'm angry is not helpful or productive.
But just like when I write here, when I vent verbally with (at?) Jason I feel better. Calmer. And I feel better faster.
Which goes along with everything my counselor (and the literature) says about feelings. When you let them "out" ie. feel them, they don't do damage. But when you stuff them and try to control them or ignore them they just don't go away. In fact, what I find with anger is it just gets worse. Bigger. Madder. (Is that a word?) (It doesn't sound like one. But maybe it should be.)
So anyway. It's a new experience for me to be in a relationship with a guy where I can be angry, express it, and it's ok. I don't give in to the urge to push him away so hard I never have to speak to him again, and he seems (so far) to be ok with letting me vent and have the anger roll off his back. (Or something)
I guess I'm just trying to say that it's a new thing for me to be able to be angry when I'm angry and to still be accepted and cared for. And not to be looked at any differently.
I'm not saying I like being angry or how it feels, but getting it out and expressed feels a whole lot better than keeping it stuffed down and repressed.