Love

I think we've established that I love to love.

(And man, if you don't think I still miss that connection Jay and I had, you're wrong. I do.)

But feeling it and saying it are two different things sometimes.

I established with both Jay and Jason early on that it was important to me to love the person I was with before we got...er... "overly intimate?"

With Jay and I that was no problem because we fell for each other before we'd even met so I knew I loved him the first time we shared a bed.

With Jason, things have been far more traditional.

I remember a weekend maybe a month or so ago when Jason had had a bit to drink and I'd gone to pick him up from the pub.  We were hanging out at my place when he said something along the lines of "Well I'm already falling in love with you (slight pause)  Damn, I probably shouldn't have said that."

I pretended I didn't notice he'd just said he was falling in love with me but of course I did.

There was some other day when he told me that he already absolutely loved me as a friend.  And I probably blushed at the time or something but I appreciated hearing that.

It was hard for me to respond though.

It got to a point where I was frustrated because I was feeling it but kept balking at saying it.

I love Jason as someone in my life, as a friend if you will, and as I said to him in a bumbling email "love is love is love and you said you loved me as a friend and I agree."

*palm to forehead*

Um, hello?  Why not just tell him?

Dunno.

But it sort of became this battle in my head.  Tell him.  No.  If I tell him it makes it all too real and I don't know if I can handle that.  Oh baloney.  It's just love.  Love is awesome!  Tell him.  You know you feel it.  TELL HIM!  No.  I... no.

But I did.

Last week.

Took me forever. 

"So.. um... do you... um... remember the uh... email I sent you a while ago?"

Him:  "Um... you've sent a lot?"

I remember having a big, near the end, discussion with Jay were I said that I knew he loved me but was he in love with me?

And he said no.  He wasn't.

I love Jason.

Jason loves me.

We love each other as people.

Are we in love with each other?

I don't know if I can give you an answer to that just yet.

But it's not a "no."