Hulk Not Smash. Hulk Nap.

This is going to sound weird (maybe) but I had kind of a tantrum and I'm really proud of how I handled it.  ("Tantrum" is not the right word, but bear with me, ok?)

So one thing I (we?) know is that I'm not good with feeling angry.

And last weekend I (and everyone I talked to) was over tired and just felt done.  I was low and not all that happy and the gorgeous sunshine had gone and all I wanted to do was hang out with my boyfriend.

Except that wasn't happening.

Long story short, this that and the other and at some point on Sunday I texted Jason and asked if he was going to be at his event all day.  He said he wasn't sure.  I then (passive agressively?) texted back that I guessed I shouldn't expect to see him then?  (At this point I was feeling pretty sorry for myself) And he said nope.

I texted him something along the lines of "go eff yourself" (because it seemed like what I wanted to say) and when he texted back with several legitimate question marks I ignored him.

I was back in that space of being angry and just wanting to never speak to him again.

I deleted all our texts from my phone and considered deleting him (a la Jay... how "mature") and what else I needed to do to get him out of my life permanently.

I decided to take a few deep breaths and the next thing I knew the raging anger had shifted slightly and I was crying.

I was sad and lonely and wanted him to be there with me and I translated that into how our relationship was clearly doomed.

And so I decided to talk that out with myself.

So I lay down on my couch, under my blanket, crying, and I talked through my relationship with Jason and why he was spending time at this event and why I thought I deserved more of his time than I was getting and while I didn't come up with a solution or an answer, I also didn't feel so angry any more.

I just felt exhausted.

So I closed my eyes.

I napped for a while, not sure if it was fifteen minutes or half an hour or what, but I woke up feeling better and so much calmer.

Jason called a bit later and asked if he still needed to go "eff" himself (not the word I used...ahem) and I said no... that I'd been angry, but that I'd cried and napped and felt better.

And you guys?  I'm really proud of myself for that.

I'm proud that yes, I felt angry, but I didn't react (too much) in that moment.  I certainly didn't react in a way in that moment that would have been hard to recover from.  And then I talked to myself calmly and logically from both sides (how I was feeling and how the truth might actually be) and then I cried and I let myself rest.

Maybe I'm not explaining it quite right but I feel like I dealt with being angry in a healthier way than I have in the past and I'm feeling proud of that.

Yay me.

*pats self on back*