Tuesday. With Tutus

I woke up Tuesday morning and all I wanted to do was cry.

Max hadn't come to find me in my tent.  Clearly.  And I'd talked myself into thinking that... well, to be honest, I don't remember what anymore, but basically sad thoughts. 

I cried.  Talked it over with Sarah about how insecure I was feeling and how I just didn't know... whatever... and I cried.  We headed out for breakfast and when we passed by Max's camp I told Sarah and Connor to go on without me...that I would meet them there but that I wanted to talk to Max.  (I'd seen that his camper door was open so figured he was around somewhere.)

And there he was.  And he was happy to see me.  And he'd missed me and asked me what happened to me and I asked him the same...

He'd thought I was going to come find his camper the night before.  I told him I wouldn't have done that and didn't feel comfortable and wouldn't have wanted to knock on the wrong door or show up and he not be there so I hadn't.  And that I'd thought maybe he'd come find me.

He said he'd thought about it, but was pretty exhausted and had crashed in his bed, hoping I'd find my way to him.

I wasn't sure what to do with the not so awesome thoughts I'd had but figured I'd try to be mature and so I asked him if he had some time to talk.  He said of course.

I knew he had an event he was hosting later that day so I didn't want to take up too much of his time but he assured me he had all the time in the world and that he wanted to hear what was going on and what I had to say.

I don't remember exactly what it was I was upset or worried about but I think one of the things I said was that I felt insecure and like I didn't quite know what he was thinking with regards to me or us or was even saying "us" a silly thing?

And Max was wonderful.  He just is.  He listened and when I'd said whatever it was I babbled out, he stood, took my face in his hands and told me that I was the only one here on this entire playa that he wanted.  That I was the only one he was going to be with (cuddle wise... I mean cuddle wise!  Ahem) and that he wanted to spend absolutely as much time as possible with me.  He said some other really nice, heartfelt things and you know how with some people you just know they mean what they're saying?  Yeah.  That.  I felt so much better.

Like, a hundred percent better.  Everything he was saying I was feeling.  I wasn't alone in how I felt about him and about us.  He really really liked me.  All of me.  He wanted to share his burn with me, days and nights and all of it.  And then he held me and we cuddled on his super comfy bed (because now after a night in my pretty comfy tent, I realized just why so many people don't go back to tenting it after spending time in a camper/RV!) and we both regretted the missed night and I explained my fears of knocking on the wrong door and he said he'd put out a special light so I could find him.  I asked him why he hadn't found me in my tent and he said again how tired he'd been but also how, quite honestly, he thought his bed was a much comfier place for cuddles than my tent would have been.  Can't fault him for that although I did wish we'd found each other.  A week is such a sort amount of time after all.

We hung out and chatted and cuddled for a while before Max had to start getting things ready for the day.  We made sure I could figure out how to find him that night (he had a couple of events his team had to go to) and we went our separate ways.  (Sigh)  (No, seriously, neither one of us wanted to... there was sighing!)

I had missed breakfast and went back to camp to catch up with Sarah and Connor.  We sat around playing guitar and singing and snacking and I internally battled my shyness of not wanting to bother Max at his event and then decided to say F-it and asked Sarah and Connor if they wanted to come with me to Max's thing.  They said sure and we headed off for an adventure!


We went to the camp where the event was and I took a deep breath and went in.  Look at me, being a big girl... walking in to a camp AND one where the guy I really liked was hosting an event!  Who was this new me?  (I say with a winky face at myself)

The place was packed and everyone was having a great time and right away a couple of Max's camp mates saw me and called me over.  "He's right there!" they said and pointed behind this giant bar where Max and a few other people were serving up drinks of all kinds of flavours.

I hugged a few people hello (Max's camp mates were all so lovely and accepting and being welcomed into this event like this by them was really touching and meant a lot to me... made me feel like I was being looked out for, as part of their friend's circle of friends) and then Max saw me.

He smiled, this beautiful huge smile and then much to my surprise, he stopped what he was doing, came out from behind the bar and pulled me into a big kiss.  I think my legs turned to jello.  My heart certainly burst into happy fireworks.  He went back to serving and I stood with one of his friends and watched him for a while.

He asked me if I wanted a drink and although I've never really drank much at Burning Man I figured it would be rude not to so I asked him to pour me a small one.

Which... not!  Or, at least, "small" is a relative term when you're on the playa.  And that thing was strong!

Sarah and Connor and I all got a drink and had a happy CHEERS! and we stood around and chatted and danced (to the awesome live band that was playing outside the camp!) and I proceeded to get tipsy.

Which was so much fun!  No wonder people drink on playa!  Fun!

I spent some time, once the rush had passed, hugging Max behind the bar (that sounded naughty... it wasn't!) and I made sure that Sarah and Connor were having fun and having enough drinks!  Sarah and I went and danced with the band and I tried to get her to sing with them.  We chatted with Max's camp mates and it was such a fun, awesome afternoon.  Things started to wind down at some point and I checked in with Max and we confirmed that if we didn't run into each other that evening, I was going to head to his place and we'd not have another missed night.

Connor, Sarah and I stopped by there on the way to dinner that evening, Max was already out but we had a drink with his room-mate (do you call it a roommate when you're sharing a camper?  I guess.)  and headed out.

This time, I didn't avoid Max's camp's installation and I asked Connor and Sarah when we were out that night if we could stop by and I shyly approached, not wanting to bug Max.  But just like when I'd seen him earlier, he seemed really happy to see me, stopped what he was doing and came over to envelop me in the biggest hug.  You guys?  No hug has ever felt as good as these hugs did.  I swear I could fall asleep standing up against Max, I feel that relaxed and happy and safe and secure in his arms.

He told me he didn't think he'd be more than another couple of hours so once Sarah had had her fill of playa night (that lack of sleep catches up with you fast on playa) we headed back to camp.  I organized again and a little shyly wandered over to Max's camp.

Where he'd put some red lights outside of his door and left it open for me.  I had to laugh.  "What is this?"  I joked," The red light district?"  "But of course," he responded.  But how much did I appreciate that he'd made it easy for me to find his door.  I'd told him just that morning that I felt nervous that I'd knock on the wrong door and he'd done what he could to make it so I wouldn't feel nervous... he'd made it easy for me.  I no longer just really really really liked this guy..... I was starting to have majorly seriously fantastically real feelings for him.

Plus he looks damn fine in a tutu.

(Just saying.)