I Can't Think Of A Way To Soften The Blow

Max has ended things.

If that comes as a surprise to you, you can imagine how I feel.

I'm shocked, and confused, and hurt, and sad, and angry at times, and everything in between.  It was not one of my favourite weekends.

I knew things had shifted slightly when I had the anxious, unhappy weekend, because Max was quite firm in handling it and I heard from him less frequently from then on.  I tried to stay positive and calm because after all, we had such a wonderful, really strong connection and feelings for each other and were going to see each other over the holidays, it was just a glitch.  Something to be worked out once we could reconnect.

I've had a lot going on in my life and world right now (even if I haven't talked about it here quite yet), and so I just put any worries about Max and I aside.  Just focussed on how good I felt about us and how great it would be to see him in December.
 
Two weeks ago, Max texted me that he wasn't feeling great.  I asked him what was wrong and he told me he was missing his daughters (he shares custody with his ex wife) and so I gave him space and let him know I was there for him and thinking about him.

It felt, quite honestly, like I was single, mentally, because I wasn't expecting to hear from him.  Which was easier than wanting to hear from him and not.  But in my heart I just kept thinking of that feeling of the two of us together and how happy we both were.  And I put the rest aside until we could hug and hold each other again in just about two months.  A little bit less.

I checked in with him at the end of last week and he asked if we could talk later.  I said sure, and asked if he was ok.  He said no.  I asked him if it would help if I could come visit him next month (I thought perhaps a weekend away for us to help each other through the rough time we both seemed to be going through would do us both a world of good) and he said no.

I told myself, staying positive, that he was just having a rough time.  Missing his daughters, and all the things that go on with single parenting and all those things.  I told myself that it probably wasn't about me.  And that we'd see each other soon enough.  I just had to make it until then.  I mean, he'd put so much effort into our trip already, no way that was in jeopardy.

Because, really, he had the most wonderful trip planned.  From the airport to the grocery store for gluten free snacks and treats and then to a spa for treatments he'd already arranged and then our own room with a fireplace and hot tubs.  Days of potentially snow filled driving (he'd arranged for a 4x4 rental) and place after place for us to take photos, including all the old car lots he'd found, seeing as we both like to shoot old cars.  He'd asked me what places I'd most like to visit and those were on our itineraries.  A wonderful sounding traditional Christmas Eve, and probably even a white Christmas.  And then a day with no plans, so we could just spend time together if we didn't want to drive and shoot and then home.  Perfect.  And all that time to talk and learn more about each other and soft beds and six days of togetherness.  Enough to get us through til the next time we could arrange a visit.

And we'd already talked about next summer.  Burning Man.  Me staying with him and his camp.  All of that.  All of it. 

So while I was concerned that he was going through something, I promised myself that my worries were just that... worries.  No way was the "bad voice" telling me he didn't love me anymore right.  No way the worries that told me he might cancel our trip were right.  No, I'm changing those negative thought patterns.  This has nothing to do with me, he's just having a bad time.

Except, well... yeah.

Max called me Saturday morning and told me that he can't sustain this relationship.  That I had triggered some things from his past that he just can't turn off.  And that he had to pull out of the trip.

I honestly wish I could remember the conversation.  Not so that I could drag it out here, just so I could go over it and actually hear what he said because I feel like it's just a whining buzz in my ear when I try to think back on it.

I was surprised.  Shocked, really.  And I asked if he could just wait on Christmas, til things had settled and he was perhaps feeling better but he said no.

I tried to talk to him, I don't know why or about what because as I said to him it was like talking to a brick wall. I could feel him sitting there just waiting for me to be done so he could get off the phone.  I even told him I knew that was how it worked.  That the guy got up the balls to call the girl to break up with her and knew that he then had to sit there and listen to her be upset for a while and he laughed... yeah.. kind of. I said a few more things to him, I was calm, really, but I felt pretty unfairly treated and disappointed and I don't believe it's fair to say the things that were said and then have such a quick and complete change of heart.  That's not ok.  But he wasn't able to listen and excused himself from the call.

And.  Well.  Shock.

I'm familiar with it now. 

I sent a few messages out to people, letting them know, knowing I would need support in dealing with this, and to be honest you guys, Saturday was awful.

C-Dawg was lovely.  Showed up unannounced on my door with trashy magazines and gluten free cookies and bread and mini Oh-Henry's and the natural pop I like and some tea.  I'd already cried myself dry, I thought but having her there and giving me a hug, I lost it all over again.  "There," she said "now you don't have to leave the house.  But you have to eat.  Promise me!"

I promised her, but I didn't actually manage to.

My brother threatened to come over and sit in my place but I begged him not to.  I was right on that edge of wanting/needing company and just desperately wanting to be alone.

At some point in the day I started to feel like I was going to be sick, so I put myself to bed, but the landlord knocked on the door to give me a rent increase notice (ha!) and so I had a bath instead of trying to sleep, or whatever I intended by going to bed.

I had a salt-water bath, actually (they apparently help cleanse toxins... no harm no foul) and realized I was probably quite dehydrated so I made myself drink some water post bath and that helped me feel better. 

I had some of C-Dawg's bread and cheese and cycled through feeling angry, lost, hopeless, sad, confused, kind of neutral, and absolutely horrified.  I think the worst was the moments where I would forget.

Because I've been dealing with so much, I'd just put "Max troubles" to the side and ignored them and looked forward to Christmas together.  So in the moments on Saturday when I'd distracted myself enough that I'd forget, there would be this moment of happy where I'd think about how much love I feel for him and how great it was going to be when I saw him on the airplane (we had a connecting flight together, go figure) and then I'd remember.  Bam.  Like a slap in the face or something equally shocking and painful.

And then... more panic.  What about Burning Man?  Because I'd asked him.  When we were on the phone.  "What about next summer?"  And he'd said, quite coldly I think, "well, it's Burning Man, if you're going to to, you're going to go."  Or something like that.  And right now, thinking about going to Burning Man and possibly seeing him makes me feel ill.  And it's a collapse of all those thoughts and plans we had already started making about next burn.  And those meant a lot.  Those were almost bigger than Christmas.  He'd rearranged his next year's burn to stay for temple for the first time.  To stay that much longer with me.  I was trying to figure out if I even needed to take a tent, seeing as I'd just be staying with him again.  Bam.  Gone.  Horrible feeling.

So right now, Burning Man is being put aside.  I mean, who knows if I'll even get a ticket this year.  I'm fully assuming the ticket Max promised he'd have for me if I didn't get one in sales is .... not.  So, I'll deal with it later.  Later.  Not now.  Because right now I have enough to deal with.  I can't even wrap my head around this.  And anything can change before Summer.  I don't mean us.  I think he's done.  But me.  Who knows.  It's ten months away. 

But this.

This is... I just don't get it.  I don't understand how you can have such a quick, complete turnaround.

Which means he's either a lot more broken than he thinks he is and he can shut off his emotions or he's just going through whatever "stuff" I triggered and that's taken over whatever good feelings he has/had for me.

So I... am not going to New Mexico for Christmas.  I hope to get at least some of my flight refunded, as it was already a stretch for me to make it happen.  I have to figure out what I AM going to do for Christmas, because part of my relief of having the trip was that it eliminated any possible drama around being here, with family, over the holidays.  And it was the one thing that I was keeping as my light at the end of the tunnel right now.  The good thing I was looking forward to in what is a tough time in my life and during what is not my favourite time of the year.

Sunday, other than not sleeping well, and waking up at the crack of 5:30 with the time change and being unable to fall back asleep due to panic that Max might actually go on the trip himself and then how would I ever forgive him for that, I had a better day than Saturday.

Eating's still not going very well, but I did take in calories and tried to keep my fluids up and I distracted myself and talked myself through any difficult moments and I thanked my friends and brother for checking in on me.  And I kept wishing that it was all a joke.  Honestly.  That I would wake up and realize it wasn't real.  That I still had Max and we were still in love and still going away together to be together in the dark part of the year.

I'm sorry.  I know you were happy for me.  I was too.  I really was.   And I wasn't wrong.  This I know.  I wasn't wrong about Max and I.  I wasn't wrong about how we felt.  And I wasn't wrong about never wanting to date anyone else. 

I don't.

Nothing will replace what I felt with him and from him.  Nothing.  I quit.  I'd rather be alone forever than settle for something less than what we had.

I'm sure you'll tell me that's just the grief talking, but I think that was a once in a lifetime connection.

And I don't understand what could be so upsetting that someone would give that up, over stuff that happened in the past.