I was noodling about on reddit (as one does) and someone posted a little movie they'd made in the Burning Man subreddit. It was, a little differently, a scripted movie set at Burning Man rather than a "look what I saw" video of someone's time at Burning Man. But anyway, that's not really the point.
The point is, I was watching this video, this mini movie filmed back in 2013, and remembering all the things I saw that first year and the two protagonists in the story were figuring out some life choice stuff and they were doing so with love and respect and that's when it hit me.
What's happened with Max hurts a lot because it goes against so much of what I believe in and it goes against everything we shared there, and beyond. For me, Burning Man is a place where you are safe to express your most loving self. I don't necessarily mean sexually, put that aside for a moment it's a whole other story, I just mean you can express love in all its forms and it is generally welcomed (with consent.)
So the people I know at Burning Man I love. As friends or good people or wonderful strangers, or amazing artists, whatever it is, there's so much sharing of love. I hug people, say hello, make eye contact, hug strangers in the most meaningful way and exchange genuine expressions of love and affection. And when Max and I met, it was all that. There was this deep, abiding love that went beyond a sexual attraction and that was very genuine and real. It was gentle and kind and felt so good I was willing to deal with the difficulty of a long distance relationship to keep someone in my life who was able to express and share that kind of love. Someone who was free and open with their love and affection and someone with whom I shared an understanding of the importance of love and gentleness.
Or, so I thought.
Because to me, it's one thing for this relationship not to have worked. I can understand that... ish. I can understand whatever sat wrong for him or whatever didn't feel right or the distance or WHATEVER. But what I can't understand is not continuing to be a presence of love in each others' lives.
I know you need space when you break up with someone, but I also know you can remain friends. Jason and I are proof of that... it may be a little odd, but it can work. And so to have either no interaction with Max or the latest interaction from him that has been not loving, not thoughtful, not any of the things he was when we were together, it feels wrong.
Maybe it was watching the couple in the movie that drove it home. In their narrative, they'd been together and weren't anymore but were still in each others' lives in a loving, kind way. I don't see why Max wouldn't want that for us.... I guess is what I'm sitting here wondering.
He even said it himself, when things were starting to be difficult with the distance... "maybe we could just be friends who see each other once in a while." Why can't we have that kind of a "relationship"? Why can't we see each other next burn and be able to hug and sit together and talk and catch up and it be friendly and kind and loving without needing to be anything more than that?
But I suppose that's the difficulty when you don't know someone very well, and I didn't get to know Max for long enough to know him very well... I don't know what is going on in his mind right now or why he's being the way he is or what he's feeling if anything.
I just don't see why it has to be this way when all we ever had together was very kind and loving. I don't understand why it's so different now.
To me, that makes no sense at all. Which is part of what's making this extra extra hard.
It shouldn't be this way. At all. We were only ever love, Max and I. That may sound cheezy but it's true. Our relationship was all about love.... we both felt it. It and us were nothing but love and love and more love. It was amazing. Where did his go?
4 comments:
It seems very much like Burning Man Max is not Real World Max. Or that the environment at Burning Man allowed him to be someone else, possibly the best version of himself, that his non-Burning Man environment doesn't allow. Being away from the BM environment, the best version of himself is now scoured away by whatever his current reality is.
Which suggests that there was little you could have done to prevent this, given the circumstances. By which I mean it doesn't seem to have been the result of you; rather, its the end result of Max's choices and world.
It's conjecture, and maybe a little bit of projection... there are times when I'm on vacation where I can just be myself. Where my usual day-to-day concerns fall away, I can go unguarded, and experience something. In those moments, I feel more like the Jason I want to be but cannot, because of the expectations and responsibilities of my day-to-day life.
So maybe that candle burned bright at BM, but for Max, when he got home, his fire got snuffed out by whatever his day-to-day routine is. The love you shared, the moments you had, they were real and powerful and not imagined. But it does seem like they couldn't survive whatever his "real" life is.
That is, I'm sure, part of what went on, for both of us. Burning Man is both a vacation and a place where things are so that you can be that YOU that it's not as easy to be when you're dealing with all the things you deal with when you're at home. It's true. I can't say that I'm as relaxed and happy and joyful at home as I am there, and that's something I know I'm trying to change as best I can. It's still disappointing, especially when I feel like you can work and reach to keep the good/light/bright when you know what that feels like and looks like. Yes, life can beat it down, but I think it's worth working for. Disappointing it wasn't both of our priorities.
I can't help thinking of the Shakespeare line about each person playing many parts in their life - and can't help thinking that Max was expertly pretending to be somebody he was not - and it worked (at your expense).
The world isn't fair sometimes. You're so damn lovely, and this crap happens to you. Where is the balance?!?!
I prefer to think he wasn't... perhaps I'm naive in that, or perhaps I just know what I saw and felt when I was with him and, well, yeah... anyway.
The balance is out there, it just doesn't always feel good.
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