It's not that I don't want to post or blog or whatever it's just that I don't know how to talk about what's going on, or maybe I don't want to. I don't know.Jay showed up a couple of days ago. And by "showed up" I mean he texted to say hi.
I guess it's thrown me a bit just because I don't know how I feel about him. Is he someone I'd want as a friend? And, I suppose, there's the aspect of never being quite sure of the motivation of an ex getting back in touch. Or something. But it also makes me wonder why it is Max can't say hi. Maybe he never will. Maybe he will some day, I don't know, but still... If Jay can talk to me and Jason and I can still hang out and be friends... it's not like I'm some horrible person who must be avoided upon breakup. Especially since I was never unkind to Max. But anyway, not knowing what someone else is thinking but trying to figure it out is surely a way to drive yourself nuts. So I'll stop.
I've been seeing a counsellor, for what it's worth. Not about Max, although he did come up before Christmas in a raft of tears I didn't realize I'd been holding back. Just about... where I'm at. Why I don't want to be there anymore. And all that.
Been going for more regular acupuncture too...instead of just for sleep (been going for that for years) but to help calm my mind and stuff.
When Jay asked me how I was doing, once we got beyond the surface stuff I said I was having a hard time not having any concrete answers or knowings. He asked, jokingly, if I had any play dough answers? I said no, it was more like one of those weird jelly liquid things you had as a kid that would slip through your hands and you could never quite hold on to it because it would just keep slipping and slipping and slipping through itself.
Yeah. That. That's how my life feels right now. And for someone who's used to and comfortable with concrete knowing and answers? It's not really all that awesome feeling, let me tell you.
But, I'm healthy, I'm safe, I'm supported... for that, I'm grateful.
And I continue to want to be able to talk about what's going on, but not really knowing how to do that. It would probably help if I could. And might lighten the load of listening Jason has had to do this last while. We'll see.
8 comments:
It sucks to feel so unsettled. I can't speak for Max but I can say I admire people who stay friends with ex-partners. That is something I've never been able to do. It just never felt right to me to continue being friends because if I was the one who broke it off I felt guilty. If I was the one who was dumped (usually) then it was just too painful to see the other person. Or it could be I've taken the easier route and not had the complication of staying friends. But that's just me.... :)
I can relate to the whole slipping through your fingers thing. I often feel like an outsider, looking in on the situations I find myself in - like I'm a passenger with no control over anything.
I generally haven't stayed friends either, because yes, it's hard, but once past the ouch... I don't know. Jury's still out I suppose ;)
Strange and frustrating J.
I'm glad you're healthy, safe and supported. Those help a lot with coping with the confusion and frustration.
I totally remember those slimy gel toys. The worst was how, after a while, they'd get sticky and pick up every bit of dust and dirt while still being slippery. Hopefully you find some answers before that happens.
;) I hope so too. Thanks.
That's a perfect analogy for not having control --- the jelly liquid things. I can relate except I couldn't find the words. I'm glad you're getting counselling...it is helpful to have someone listen and more importantly, validate your feelings. I find it immensely helpful.
Staying friends with an ex...I tried it once and it was a disaster. Never did it again.
I hope you feel in control soon... xx
Life is short. How long did you know Max? How long since he has not been a part of your life?
The past with him is still hurting you ... why give him that power?
You do not need to reply to texts ... you do not even need to read them. You can even block damaging people ...
Do some nice, independent thing for yourself.
Well, at least staying friendly Sanch, sounds like a nice idea.
I hear what you're saying Anne.
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