Well, it's February. Not that that has anything to do with this post but unless things are going to get much colder, I don't think we're going to see any snow at all here this Winter. And yes, I'm afraid we do have blossoms already showing. Sorry. I was thinking the other day that maybe I should use this blog as a sort of dual purpose thing right now. Because I do have a lot on my mind and one of the things I have on my mind I feel like I have to do some writing about or journalling about to maybe figure it out and hey... I could just as easily babble type here and then press publish and, well, then there'd be more for you to read. Or not.
Might mean changing the title of the blog to "Thing Victoria is Thinking About Right Now" but if you came here to hear about me dating, you might want to shrug that off anyway. Not on my radar. Like, at all.
I mean, other than grumbling over Max from time to time and feeling confused by his seeming inability to say hello or be friendly (but let's not go there) or missing a calm, loving presence in my life to cuddle and be held by, I am not at all interested in the process of dating, or trying to get to know someone new. No thanks. Anyway.
So let me give you a small amount of background.
I'm not all that happy with my life. Or perhaps joyful. Or something. I've always sort of put it down to my job being excessively draining for me (don't talk about work) and that I then don't have the energy or whatever to do anything which leaves me feeling like I don't have much of a life except going to work which then makes me feel pressured about work because if it's kind of all I have the energy to do and it's how I pay my bills, well, that's not much fun. I know that some of this may possibly change with the counselling or whatnot, but I also know that if I'm not going to take a huge risk and change careers (terrifying and not so simple to do) I should try to figure out how to make the most of what I have.
I worry, sometimes, that people are unhappy in their lives and make grand, sweeping changes (divorce, move, infidelity, quitting jobs) and then find themselves still unhappy, but now with different circumstances. So I thought that maybe I should try some ways of making myself maybe happier with what I have and where I am and if that doesn't cut it, then look at bigger picture things. But either way, it goes back to this feeling of man... this is a lot of work.
It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to change jobs. It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to change my thought patterns. It would be a lot of work, mentally, emotionally, to try new things and stretch my comfort zones. So... I guess it's just a matter of which pile of "a lot of work" I decide to take on.
I've been feeling like I'm taking on ALL OF THE THINGS and trying to change everything all at once. Look at job postings, while trying to retrain my thought patterns, while trying to figure out how to do things I don't know how to do and don't feel comfortable doing, while trying to take better care of myself mentally and physically, and while not really sharing this with anyone, while going to counselling, while getting over a breakup, while realizing I'm not all that happy with my life, while trying to be positive, while trying to let myself feel my feelings, while, while, while, while, while and all I want, like I said the other day, is to lie, comfortably and easily in a really nice place where everything is easy and I don't have to think about a certain thing. Because nothing is easy right now. Or not much, anyway. And my body keeps telling me it's time to panic. Or run far and fast. But not actually. Oh, and did you remember that thing you think you forgot?
So, yeah....I was really happy at Burning Man this year. So happy. And, yes, I know it's "a holiday" and "vacation time" and "not reality" but I had that time of feeling really really happy. And I came back and I wasn't. And it was a big shock. Incredibly difficult and unsettling and added on to all the other things I've been learning and going through, something had to change.
And here we are.
6 comments:
This makes me think. I've been going around and around on my job situation. Weighing the good versus not so good. Making charts. And trying to figure out if a new job would help or hinder how I feel outside of work. I just keep going around and around and around and then not making a decision. I've been kinda actively looking but not getting any responses which makes me frustrated and then start to question why can't I get a call back and it gets ugly.
Totally understand what you are going through (except the break up, which makes it horrible). If you chose to write about it, I would hope you'd get nothing but support.
That's no fun at all E. I'm sorry you're going through that work stress and mess. Hard when it feels like there's not necessarily a clear "right" answer and even the forward movement you try to make feels like it's not moving. All the best to you through this.
i am late to the commenting party here, but do you get the burner announce emails or the volunteer list emails? They are constantly hiring people to work for BMorg and the volunteer announce has lots of opportunities to volunteer. Hopefully you are on those lists!
I am and I did :D Thanks! (I keep looking at the Org positions and going... man... could I? And then I look at the prices of rentals in SF area and go... hmmm, maybe not) ;)
You could have like 5 roommates! But yeah price in SF are insane. One thing I try and remember that if I apply for a job in another city it doesn't mean I actually have to move there. When it gets to that, you can explore it. But it doesn't hurt to just apply! Having interview experience even if you aren't planning on changing jobs is always good!
Fair point! ;)
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