Honestly

Where I'm at, honestly... is feeling like I can't do this.

But then also feeling like I can't back out.

I've been asked to shoot a couple of events.  I've got my volunteer shifts.  I've paid camp dues.  I have people I want to meet and gifts to give them. 

But.  I have no solid way of getting there.

My car, I would trust on the drive for sure, but I can't see all my gear fitting in it, and it's now too late to add racks or whatnot.  I did consider getting a trailer hitch installed so that I could attach a bike rack or something but I didn't want to spend the (fairly considerable) money if it turned out I didn't need my car... so I didn't.  So while my car would make the drive comfortably and I'm comfortable in it... I don't see it taking my gear, plus, I don't really want to tent camp all the way there and back. 

The van I was supposed to have... well, it's not here.  It's stuck in red-tape land.  Maybe it'll get here today.  Maybe it's on the ferry as you're reading this.  But... I can't count on that.  And if it does arrive, I don't know how I'll be driving it... and the plans we had to install a ceiling vent and maybe even a backup camera... no time for that, even if it arrives today.  (At least, not that I know of... although who knows.. and maybe I could delay another day...but moot point right now as the van is not here and who knows when it will be.  This is incredibly stressful and difficult for me..... the not knowing.)

Jason has a friend who has a mini van they were going to sell, and Jason asked if I could rent it for the trip and they said yes.  Except the van needs a new battery (Jason put on in on Saturday in the extreme heat with no shade and I thought he was going to die which made me want to die) and probably tires and has been sitting uninsured for several months and I don't know if all that can happen in time and if it does, I don't know how all my gear AND ME fits in there and I can't wrap my brain around it because it's still not actually functional for the drive.

On top of all that... which, honestly is more than enough to make me feel like this just isn't going to happen.... it's been incredibly hot this week and I have NOT done well with it.  I have actually panicked a few times (heat and enclosed spaces or rooms/houses with no air flow give me panic attacks and then I have to run outside and try not to throw up and then it's no cooler out there (especially at Jason's place... it's bad)  So I'm sitting there, trying not to throw up even though I've over heated and all I can think is I can't even handle the heat at home... no way I can handle it down there.

Like, honestly.  I'm not sure I can do this.

Yes, it's always a bit stressful getting ready to go but I've always just trusted it will work out.  This year?  I don't have a solid plan to get myself there.  Not even a solid back up plan.  Nor a solid back up back up plan.  And I have not relaxed in weeks.  Not only have I not relaxed, I've been incredibly stressed.  And it's been hot.  So I'm mentally taxed, and physically not well and emotionally exhausted. 

I honestly don't feel like me going to Burning Man is something that I can handle right now.

But I sort of also feel like I can't not go.

But yeah... for anyone who thinks Burning Man is this wild crazy party in the desert?  Oh hell no.  Just... no.  It's so much work and money and time and that's not even the half of it.  I remember coming back either last year or the year before and thinking "I don't want to do that again."  Now I don't even really want to do it now.  Yes I have happy thoughts of being there.... but then I feel how hot I am and I'm by the frigging ocean.... and I try to trust that a vehicle will work out... but I can't.

And I'm trying not to woulda-coulda-shoulda...

And I'm wishing my computer wasn't getting sicker and sicker.

If wishes were horses and all....

And let's not even talk about Saturday's Hip concert.  My heart can't be broken in to any more pieces.