Um

You know if I disappear that's a good thing right now, right?

(I mean, assuming I can keep babying my computer .... it's touch and go right now) 

Because in theory, if I stop posting, it means I'm on the road. 

Initial plan had been to have shore power on my stops down in my van and so be able to use my laptop and maybe find some wifi to get some posts out.  Or at least to type out some posts or something.... but now.. well.  Right.

Ok, so.  I bought a camper van yesterday.  (Was it yesterday? Or... bought it technically Sunday, picked it up yesterday.)

It's old.  Like... old.  But we were assured it's been taken good care of and is sound.  Jason feels good about it.  Mechanic type people are looking at it tomorrow.

I am losing my sh*t.

I won't go in to the freakouts I am having right now because it's technically one in the morning and I'd really really like to sleep.  But this ... I mean... it was really not how I wanted things to pan out, and I'm not, well, I will have to learn to be comfortable driving such a big thing and basically, what I'm doing right now, or at least how I got through yesterday and intend to get through today is to ONLY focus on one thing at a time.

So like, yesterday it was "right now I'm driving with Jason out to pick up the van... that's it... that's all I have to do/think about."  And then it was "right now I'm following Jason back with the van"  etc. etc.  Because if I think about the big picture or even the medium big picture I lose it and panic and feel it's none of it worth it and all too much.

So... I wish I had time to say more but I'm pulling ... I don't know... ten, twelve, sixteen hour days right now or something?  And I'm beyond stressed and scared and I'm trying to change my pre-set thought patterns.  For example, I keep saying "I can't do this!" and at some point, I realized I should be saying "I don't want to do this"  Might seem small, but I think in the brain and attitude it's a big thing.  Doesn't make it easier or feel better, but I can (probably) do this... I just don't want to.  I'm not a failure ("can't")  I'm just choosing things that work for me ("don't want to")

Not that I'm saying I'm choosing not to go, just that I'm having a LOT of panic moments of holy f*ck I don't want to do this. 

The option of not going has come up again and again.

And yet I'm still here.

The "feel the fear and do it anyway" people can kiss my behind right now.  Because it feels really really bad.

(Maybe especially so for me.)

So yeah.  I was supposed to be leaving today.  I'm not.

I would LOVE to get down time of some sort today, but I'm not counting on it.  I don't know when I'll post again, so if no posts, yay!

Keep sending whatever you're sending... whatever goodness you can.  It helps and makes me smile if nothing else.  Which is a lot right now.  Thank you.