Random Update(s)

Realized this morning that it was time to update you on some seriously pressing issues.  I'm sure you've just been waiting there, popcorn bowl in your lap, waiting to know the latest info!!!!


Ok, no, but I'm telling you anway.

I haven't gotten a new toaster yet.  Instead, I randomly changed gluten free bread types and this different type is toasting much better.  Still a little more solid on the crusts but I can live with that.  So no new toaster yet and an avoidance of the bread that was having the major issues, yo.

And by the way, did you know there is a huge variation in toaster prices?  For example, you can get a twelve dollar one or you can get a one hundred and twelve dollar one!  And then some.

And people who've had a pricy toaster swear by them, and there is some very brand specific loyalty out there.  Which makes me feel like I've somehow been doing it wrong my whole life by going to the store, finding a cheap one and picking a reasonable colour.

But also, and perhaps more importantly to at least one of you, I haven't seen any banana peels at the "banana peel tree" in the last while.  Could be they're just getting tidied up faster than I go by the place seeing as it's Spring now and mowers/gardeners are around more, or it could be the banana eater moved.  Or got... caught?  But don't you fear, I will continue to check on the situation as I pass by that area.  So many unanswered questions, so little time.

Burning Man 2016

Burning Man is always an adventure.

And I don't just mean the two weeks I head out of town to travel down to it.  I mean the whole event of it.  The figuring out of it all.

This year's adventure began when Max ended things back in Fall.  It began then because that changed the plans we'd started to make to go together and camp together.

And it continued with my applying to volunteer with the set up crew.  (Will know one way or another in the next few months)  And with the people I know who might have gone all choosing not to go this year.

And then the thought of possibly buying a camper van type thing to take down with me since it looks like I'll be going solo this year.  (Still not quite sure what's happening there, but there may be some progress soon... I think I'll go ahead.)

And the latest part of the adventure occurred last week when I didn't get a ticket in the general ticket sale.

(Sad face)

Yes, the odds are low.  Yes, I've been lucky each year so far.  But... in my view there was a glitch in the way the sale was run vs the way they told us it would be run so I'm trying not to be extra sore about that.  There is always always going to be ticket drama now that it's such a popular event.  I'm just blue I wasn't on the luckier side of it this year.

I thought, going into the sale, that if I didn't manage to get a ticket, I'd just see it as a sign that it wasn't meant to happen this year.  And maybe it still isn't meant to happen this year, but once I'd stopped crying over the sale being sold out before I got my ticket (half an hour in to the random/lottery/but then not quite for some but hey no one's going to admit that part, ahem.) I realized that I still wanted to go.

So I'm still hoping to go.  I just don't currently have a ticket.  And I'd likely be going by myself.  And not sure where to camp.  But I feel like it will either work out or it won't.

And I will be proactive about trying to find what I need, but I won't push too too hard.  And it won't be the end of the world if I don't get to go this year.  Will be sad, but, it really is a first world problem.  I'm safe, healthy, housed, employed.  My life is good.  Maybe not going to an amazing art festival in the desert?  A bummer, maybe,  but not earth shattering.

Things have always worked out for me with regards to going and this year will work out just how it's meant to.  This time five or six months from now, I'll know how this year's Burning Man adventure played out.  Right now?  It's still in the middle of playing out.  And right now, that means I don't have a ticket yet.

Maybe that's the playa's way of not having me stress out about OMG I'M GOING BY MYSELF for the entire Spring/Summer.  Maybe I'll get my ticket in Summer and only stress out for a month rather than four, maybe I won't get a ticket.  Maybe I'll get seventy two (I don't know where that number came from)  The point is I don't know. And I'm ok with that.

Not to say I didn't cry.  Not to say I didn't wake up the day after really really angry (but that was less to do with tickets and more to do with someone telling me something Max said with regards to me... not going there.  Karma takes care of that kind of stuff.)  Not to say I won't have days of up or down.  Just... I've always just sort of trusted that what's meant to happen will happen with Burning Man.

I didn't get a ticket in the main sale.  That sucked.  We'll see what happens now.

Oh.... So....?

I had a realization the other day.  Not really sure what to do about it, but, well, at least I realized it I suppose?

I can't remember how I came to think about it, but it dawned on me that I'm sort of always thinking I should be something else.

Like... I write.  Ok.  Sure.  I write here, and I write some poetry sometimes.  But I don't think of myself as a writer.  Because I don't write novels.  So I'm not a writer and I don't write.  My writing ... doesn't count somehow.  It's not "real" writing.

Or I do art.  But it's not realistic.  Or it's not... something enough.  It's not mature enough or well developed enough or true to form enough.  It's not... what other people do, enough.  So it doesn't count.

I could go on.  My photography isn't X enough.  My art should be better.  I'm not an actual writer.  I... always always think that I should be something different than what I am.  Usually something "better".  Whatever that means.  And by whose judgement?  My own?  That with which I was raised?  I'm not even sure I know anymore.

And, like I say, I'm not really sure what to do about this realization.

But I'll put it in the back of my head I guess, to think on.  Must mean something.  Bet it would be a good thing to "get over", you know?

Ahhhhhhhhh

Amen for long weekends.

I hope you had a good Easter, or Spring type celebration, or maybe just a regular good weekend. 

With chocolate, if that's your thing.

Sigh

I'm whining, just so you know.  Feel free to skip.

I'm not blaming this on the time change, merely saying that I don't feel like the time change ever helps this, but my sleep the past few weeks has sucked.

I've been managing my sleep pretty effectively for years now, with little more than a blip here or there (acupuncture has really really helped, but mine retired so I'm working with a new one and while we have other things handled, the sleep portion... not quite perfected yet) and so having a few bad weeks (vs days?) is unusual.

And man, I do not like it.

Like yesterday, I was "awake" all night (knew I wasn't asleep) and just as I was about to fall asleep (or so I felt) my alarm went off.  NOOOO!

Once I fall asleep I usually stay asleep (unless someone buzzes my apartment at three am by accident and I am therefore jolted wide awake for... evar!) but the falling asleep has not been going well lately.

I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago here I think.  (Unless I just think I did...no, yeah, I did, that "being pulled towards thinking" thing that's going on...) It's even weirder than lying awake thinking though, I don't even know if I can explain it, I just don't like it, no matter what it is.

So, yes.  Whiny.  Want to go back to the restful sleeps I've been having.  None of this not great sleep malarky.  I'll have none of that thank you very much!

Sigh.

Hindsight, Or Something Like That

One of the first of my pieces of art I ever rescued from a drawer and framed is a lino print of Robert Plant (dreamy sigh) from the Led Zeppelin 1973 concert at Madison Square Gardens that's used in most of their well known videos and their movie "The Song Remains The Same."

I watched the movie again this weekend and was inspired by the lighting and the tones (and the charisma!) to paint Robert Plant all over again.  I was looking at the abstract painting I did and chuckling at the fact that I'd done, without realizing it, a piece from the same video right out of high school.

And then I looked at the lino print, and realized I haven't done one in years.  Have a vague remembrance of how to do it but... at this point, could not replicate what I did then.  That's what happens when you don't keep up at a skill... it doesn't stick around.  Or something.

Which lead me to two thoughts.  One... I wish I had kept up with my art all these years.  All through having jobs and working through university and having boyfriends and all the life stuff that happens, I wish I'd kept up with it.  (Sure, I could even say I wish I'd done it as a career, but we'll leave that one for now.)

And, two... I wish I could go back to high school.  NEVER before in my life have I ever wished this.  I would not wish those insecurities or acne or social ... upsets on anyone, but man oh man do I ever wish I could go back and take all the courses I wanted to take.  The photography class I didn't have room for.  The auto mechanics, woodwork, metal shop classes.  To take my 2-D and 3-D classes again.  TO REMEMBER.  To have free (to me) access to the materials and the learning and the .... all of it.  I want to go back and have the time and space to do all those courses I "couldn't" do because I "had" to take the courses to get into university to do.... something.  (I had no idea at the time.  I had no idea four years and a degree later, either.)

I know, I should look into community college classes, and I might, really.  But there's something about thinking back to high school and wishing I had known how much I'd want those "other" courses, and how little adult me would want to remember about the courses I did take.

Perhaps not everyone feels this way about high school.  Maybe I just missed the mark, or didn't quite know myself.  Not that I disliked the Sciences and all (Math was not my favourite, ugh) and the English and French (I was an Immersion student, it took up a lot of course times) and.... whatever else I took (I was hyper aware of keeping all my possible university options open so covered all the possible acceptance standards, so I never felt like I could do the "fun" stuff.  Man do I wish I could go back and tell myself to ONLY do the fun stuff.)

But, yeah.  First time ever in my life I've wanted to go back to high school.  Just for the ability to get free education and classes and training and material in the stuff I wish I knew more about.

(I wonder if I could time travel, if high school me would even listen to... future now me?)

Not The Same

As I type this, I feel like I've maybe talked about it before, but hey, brain's gonna do what brain's gonna do, right?   But I was thinking the other day about how this anxiety I've been dealing with for the last few months is not something I've really experienced before.

Yes, I've been a worrier.  Yes, I overthink.  Yes, I get nervous about things.  But this?  This is so much MORE than that.

And by "more" I mean... more intense?  More... physically involved?  This is different.  This is new to me.  And I do not like it.

I have wondered if it's possibly hormonally related.  With my body especially (thyroid stopped working when I was a kid so my endocrine (hormone) system is.... sensitive and rather less than "normal") subtle changes can mean more than with other people and women's (and men's too I would venture to suggest) hormones change all their darn lives.  (Why we don't teach young girls this and how it will change their body shape and therefore not to expect their body to ever look the same in their pre-teens, or twenties, or thirties, etc. etc.)  I may mention it to my doctor... or not.  I may try to track it for a while first... or not.  I'm just saying... this is not something I'm used to.  This is that much more uncomfortable.

This "anxiety" is not the same as being a worrier... or any of that.  It's not the same as "freaking out" about getting on a cramped airplane or feeling panicky in a crowd.  This is not... not anything I want to keep having in my life.

I don't know.  There's maybe not much of a point to this post.  I think I just wanted to tell me... future me, or something, that this is not something that has always been part of me or in my life and so there's no reason it should always be in my life or part of me.  To think of it like.... mental food poisoning.  Temporary.  Nasty as all get out.  But temporary.




Now if that isn't the weirdest thought I've come up with today, I don't know what is.

Oh.... Good Point!

You know when you have those a-ha moments where you kind of wonder how you hadn't thought of it before but then realize that you really needed this set of circumstances to happen before you could think of it?  Yeah.

So my kitchen table is pretty much not for eating on anymore.  It's where I do my art and where I have the most used art supplies sitting (ready for insta use!)

This table is right by the big windows in my place so I get all the yummy light throughout the day.

And up until now, not a lot of heat.

Which, hey, no problem, layers, right?

Right.  Except, we had a sunny day last week (ish?) that also had a bit of warmth to the sun (YAY FOR SPRING!) and I picked up my oil pastels and they were warm.  Hmmmm I thought... I bet if these got hot enough they would melt... I should probably think about that.

And then I looked at my bottles of ink sitting there with condensation droplets inside them and I thought huh... I bet that they're not really supposed to sit in the sun/heat either.

So, yeah.... have really only been getting back into creating this much since Fall... so haven't been through the warm seasons yet with it!  May have to either learn to deal with runny, warmed up materials or fin another way to keep them close at hand.

Perhaps I should get in the habit of tidying up at the end of the day, just to eliminate the possibility of anything getting wrecked by the sun/heat...

But yeah, hadn't occurred to me until now.  Thanks for the polite warning sunshine!  I love you!

D'oh

Was in the middle of a counselling session the other day when the lightbulb blew. 


I had to stop myself from laughing because... well, clearly something wasn't impressed by what I was saying!  It was like this "opposite of a lightbulb turning on" moment that I found quite hilarious.

Sorry, counselling office ghost, I promise to do the work and not complain!

Yay!

Well, I finally made it to the end of the book I was struggling through.


I skim read through the last chunk and skipped through a fair amount of the ending portion until I got to find out what I needed to know.  But yeah, that one, whew, done.  (Not that it was bad so much, just... didn't keep me interested.... not my thing I guess.)

I've moved on to The Martian now, which... I'm bummed that I've already seen the movie, to be honest.  Yes, I'm sure there will be differences and people have said the book is better, but going in knowing vaguely what's going to happen is a bit of a bummer.  I knew it when I decided to watch the movie too... thought to myself "self, you should maybe wait and read the book first" but.... I gave in to temptation and saw the movie and enjoyed it and figured I'd just skip the book.  But... hard to resist good stories, so here I am!  Really only just started it last night so am hoping I can somehow forget what all happens, or at least get more involved.  (And stop hearing the narrating in Matt Damon's voice!)

But yeah, blah book done, good book started, yay!  Yay for reading!

Bah!

Now, I know this is more of an issue than a "problem" but I have an annoying thing happening that I can't seem to fix!

My toast isn't toasting.

This wouldn't be such a huge deal if there was much more I could get down in the morning, but gluten free toast with some kind of cheese like thing on it is usually what I can manage right now.

My gluten free bread lives in the freezer and then is taken out and turned into toast.

Lately, the crusts burn and the rest stays almost soggy.  It's nasty!  And if I try to manipulate it by re-toasting just a wee bit, I end up with charcoal.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO FIX THIS!  It hasn't always been like this so I don't know, do toasters get weird?  Because, yeah.  My toaster is both simultaneously over and under toasting the same piece of bread and I don't get it.

Srsly

The Fortunate One

One of the groups I'm on on a social networking site sometimes has rental place ads pop up.  They're generally in the Bay Area of California, and I'll often click on them as that's where I might have been moving to had things kept progressing with Max and I.

And here's the thing... I know living where I do right now I pay a fair amount in rent.  I know I could move and pay less, or even move elsewhere in the province and pay much much less.  But I'm willing (and able, thank goodness) to pay what I'm paying now to be here, in the place I'm in, in this lovely little town right by the ocean.  I like it here.  My only complaint about my place is that I'm not allowed a dog.  That may be the reason I choose to move some day.

I'm thinking about all this right now because the last two postings I saw in this group were for rooms.  Not an entire apartment, but a room in one.  For the same amount I'm paying for my entire apartment.

It flabbergasts me to imagine paying two or three times what I'm paying now.  To be honest, I wouldn't be able to.  Or to be paying what I do for just a room.

I know that there are reasons things are that way and that people are rightfully concerned.  I'm not intending to get into that.  Just to say that I feel very fortunate for my current living situation.

Very.

FYI

If you are just tuning in... I'm sorry.




So you know... time change is stupid and there are currently no bananas by the tree.

Unless, of course, I looked at the wrong tree because I wasn't quite paying attention, but.... I'm pretty sure no current banana peels.

And time change is stupid.

And I had a dream where when I woke up I could almost remember the choreography of the ballet I was doing.

And I had a dream where Max called in the middle of the night to say his life was falling apart and he just kept wishing I was in it and man... why'd you gotta do that to me brain?

Sigh.


But, yeah, no current peels.  Not a very appealing situation!  (HA?  Ha?)

It's Ok!

I was watching the weather yesterday (it's been crazy around here lately) going from sunny to windy and pouring rain and then back to sunny and then dark and pouring, sunny, no windy! no rainy and I just wanted to reach out and give the weather a hug and say "it's ok honey, I feel like that some days too!"

So, yeah.  Don't mind me, I'll just be over here giving the weather a hug.

As one does.

Hi

(Just so you're aware, you have to read this post with the voice of a sullen male teenager.  Don't ask why, you just do.  My brain says so.)

So, it happened again.  That whole time change thing.  Which totally sucks because it was already getting lighter later into the evenings and now it's cheating.  Now it doesn't count anymore.

And yeah, I complain every year.  So?  It's stupid every year.

My stomach's confused and my sleep's confused and I actually forgot about it this year.  Knew it was this weekend but forgot to change my clocks until I was falling asleep at who knows what o'clock and by then I was too warm in bed to get up and change them and then somehow it was way later the next morning.

*sigh*

I just think it's stupid and no one wants it anymore and geez.  Come on.

I Beg Your Pardon?

Yeah... so you know how brains just do.. whatever, right?

Uh huh.  So I woke up yesterday morning and the very first thought I had was, I kid you not "cephalopod."

Like, seriously.  My brain just went "cephalopod."

Huh?

I.... wha?

Why, brain, why?

I.... can't even imagine.  So odd.  I feel like I should pet my brain and tell it it's a very nice brain, because clearly it thought this was an awesome thing worthy of note.

So, yeah.

Cephalopod.

:/

I has the grumpy angries so I'm just not going to say anything in the vein of what Bambi's Mom would say.

Hrm

I've kind of stalled out mid way through the book I'm reading.

I think it's partly the book itself, and partly that when I get into bed at night I have other things I'm thinking about right now and so instead of being pulled to reading I'm being pulled towards thinking.  Sometimes that's bad, but sometimes I think myself to sleep.  (Not stressful thoughts, those don't help with the falling asleep!)

I don't NOT want to finish the book, I just don't know how I'm ever going to get around to finishing it.

That, and I have two books in reserve I'm kind of excited to read.

Maybe I have to change my bedtime/night time routines a bit and get through this book n stuff.

Heh. My Brain Is Teh Funny Sometimes

Was going through some poem drafts yesterday and found this one. 

It's about my bed.  Just written as if it was about a lover or partner.  Because bed.  Sleep.  So awesome.

Happy sigh.

I love me my bed and my sleep y'all.


So here you go, my sleep romance poem!  Heh


sometimes I feel like all I'm doing is making the hours tick away until I can be with you again
and then when it's time for us to part, I don't want it to end
I want to lie in your embrace for all time
where everything is perfect
and quiet
and calm
warm
safe
at peace
I notice your absence keenly
when you keep yourself away from me
but of late
while all else in my world is difficult
and hard to bear
you have been there for me
above all else
and for this
I am eternally grateful

Well, There You Go Then

Something I discovered this weekend is that squirrels actually make noises.

I don't know why, but I sort of always saw them as silent creatures.  Or maybe just quiet, chittering at each other in forests and .... squirrel holes together.  I know they chirp, but that's about it I always thought.

I certainly didn't expect what I found this weekend, that's for sure!

I have a surprising amount of wildlife that lives sort of around my place.  I guess there are enough trees and things around that it's not TOO city, and so I get to hear lots of animal noises.  There's a hawk and of course crows and seagulls, and raccoons and cats (if they count) and all of their noises I know and recognize.

Well, over the ... years (? I dunno... a while) I've heard a sort of dying bird sound.  I figured seagull or something, but like this squalk of not so nice.  Don't hear it all that often but it always sounds like a dying animal kind of sound.

Which is why I was surprised to hear it, look outside and see a little squirrel making the noise!

At first I thought it was just co-incidence.  That the squirrel just happened to be around while the bird was doing the dying squalk thing but no... I watched his/her little chest filling and emptying with air while that wee squirrel made that hideous noise!  WHAT?

I can assume it's the time of year when perhaps things are starting to attract mates and put it down to that and, no, it's not a sound I particularly feel like researching but man... I had no idea that squirrels could be that vocal.  I still can't really connect that sound with that little fluffy tailed rodent.

What else is making weird noises that I don't know they make?  My world is.... not as it seems!

Craving

So sugar.

I decided to have a couple of sugar cookies around Ballytimes day because they're actually very yummy (for gluten free) and I figured it was ok.

But I can say quite honestly that it did make me want more sugar, which is probably why this week, when buying groceries, I also bought some bulk chocolate covered raisins and those healthy type gummy fruit things (you know, the red and dark red ones!)  I figured they were "healthy" sweets and I wasn't caving or anything, I was actively choosing to have some sweets since I didn't need or want them, it was a choice.

So I had them.  And it was kind of that mindless shoving into my face sort of eating.  Followed by wanting more a few days later.

I didn't finish the (much larger) bag I got the second time because I was finding it upsetting that I was stuffing my face and not really wanting to just NEEDING TO, but then for the next few days I was back to that point of just not caring.  Of not caring that I'm reducing my sugar, and didn't eat any at all for a month or so.  I didn't care, I just wanted more.

Fought with myself for a couple of days... just... screw it, go to the store and buy something, it'll stop the craving, and it'll feel good and taste good and just do it, just go, you deserve it, you're grumpy and it'll cheer you up.  V/s, well, you could go get some but that will just extend the craving and wanting more and then you might end up back where you were and you didn't think that was such a good place, and so on and so forth and all I want(ed) all that time is to eat some damn sugar.  A chocolate bar.  Some candy.  More of those cookies, WHATEVER, JUST GIVE IT TO ME AND GIVE IT TO ME NOW AND DON'T STOP.

Sigh.

From an "observer" point of view, it's interesting to see the chemical and how it can really take over and so insidiously.  And it can also be a sigh of relief that I don't have an addiction to something much more damaging (although there are many studies that show that sugar is incredibly damaging to the body, I'm just suggesting it is not as damaging as, say street drugs or the like).

From an "I'm in the thick of it" point of view it sucks.  Because WANT.

Le sigh.

I may be an all or nothing kind of person with sugar after all...

It just likes me far too much.  

Hrmmmm...

I saw a post somewhere the other day where the person listed their five most influential albums.  It was kind of cool, so I thought I'd do the same.  And then I spent all week trying to figure out which five...

I think I can make this work though so here goes....

My top five influential albums (and why) in no particular order:

1.  In Through The Out Door - Led Zeppelin

     -  In highschool, I'd heard of Led Zeppelin, sure.  They did Stairway to Heaven and some other songs, but I didn't really know them.  One of my friends, for whatever reason, was selling some CDs one day.  He asked if I wanted to buy some and I did.  This is the only album I remember getting from him and it was the first time I'd listened to a Zep album in full.  And I was hooked.  They are my most favourite band, and this was the first album of theirs I owned.  I bought the rest very quickly after!

2.  Pearl Jam - Ten

     - Maybe it was the timing of this album in my life,  but it hit.  I can still sing along to almost all of the songs on this album and they're all great songs.  "Jeremy" especially sticks out for me as the first time we ever really heard about violence in schools and unhappy children.  I wish things had not changed so much since then.  Great album, still makes me feel the same way I did when I first heard it. 

3.  Nevermind - Nirvana

     - I have to put this one in here too.  Similar timeline as Pearl Jam's in terms of changing the music scene.  This was the first CD I went into a store to buy, which is one of the reasons it's influential to me.  I'd bought tapes before and had records as a kid but not CDs, so it felt like a big deal.  I remember listening to "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and feeling connected to that anger, but not really knowing why.  I'm not really a huge Nirvana fan, I'm not one who cried when Kurt Cobain died or anything, but I still get into these songs when I'm in the right mood.  This, as an influential album was more about the feel of these songs and the fact that they had gotten into the "mainstream."  Maybe we all really were angry after all and someone should listen to us...

4.  The Dark Side Of The Moon - Pink Floyd

     - One of two albums I remember "borrowing" (ie. permanently taking because I still have them, shhh) from my brother (the other being Peter Gabriel's "So")  I don't remember why I borrowed it, perhaps it had that same allure as Led Zeppelin of being a group I kind of knew of but didn't really?  And, this album is still one of my go-tos for a lot of reasons.  Pink Floyd is up there with Led Zeppelin in my "favourite" category.  This is an album I'll often play when I need to settle myself or ground myself.  (Played it one night at Burning Man when I was overwhelmed and wanted to just be in my own space and not hear other people's sound/music, and I was able to stop feeling overwhelmed and comforted by it.) 

5.  The Wall - Pink Floyd

     - It's hard to have two albums by the same group on this list, but this particular (double) album is probably the one that I would have put at number one if I was doing these in order of importance.  I love this album.  All of it.  The concept.  The flow of it.  The movie and art that goes with it.  The messages I personally take out of it.  The impact it had on the music industry at that time.  Again, I know all the songs, all the lyrics.  And I FEEL them.  This album gets to me in deep ways, right down in the core.  I'd heard "Another Brick In The Wall (Part II)" when I was a kid and sung along to it (because there were kids singing, fun!) without really understanding it and had been chastised by my parents who didn't think it was a very nice song (picking on teachers, I suppose) but didn't get to the whole album until I was much older.  To be honest, I don't remember when I heard the whole album, or if I saw the movie first or heard the album first.  Would I like this album as much if I hadn't seen the movie?  Perhaps not.  And yes, I own the movie, and appreciate it for many reasons.  I think this album is genius and again, it's a go to for me when I'm in a particular mood. 

So there you have it.  Not necessarily my favourite songs (I couldn't tell you many of the songs on "Nevermind" for example) but albums that were influential in my life... to me.  I'm sure there are others, and this list might change in a decade or two (or not) But yeah. 

I wonder what I would have come up with if I'd gone with top ten!

Sigh

One of the things I'm working on right now is one I find rather frustrating.  But it's getting better too so... that's good.

I find that the worry/anxiety voice/noise likes to start some days as SOON as I'm awake.

As in, when I'm still lying half asleep in bed, not even up yet, just coming to consciousness, that voice will send me a thought.

A worry or stress thought.  Like the other morning I was still hitting snooze and that noise/voice said "you know you can't do the whole drive to Burning Man by yourself.  You don't even remember the portion after the ferry."  And ordinarily, I would kind of jump on board that thought train.  Think about how, no, I don't really know that portion, can't visualize it like I can the final portion, and that maybe it would be ok with a good GPS but that still it would be uncomfortable and then I'd think about getting to gas stations and stopping and wait, what vehicle would I even be going down and then... as you can see, the thought has run away with me and I'm lying there, not even awake, but anxious.  Worried.  With a body that is having physiological symptoms of worry.  So I'd be not even out of bed and already feeling badly and having bad thoughts.  Not fun.

But I'm getting better at shutting those thoughts down first thing in the morning.  (And in general too, but that's a different story and not quite as perfect) It sometimes works to just say "not now", as in... this is not the time for these thoughts, or "this is not helpful" because really, morning is not the most thinky time... and there's a day to get through, and we're not driving anywhere this morning so, not now... this isn't helpful.

And it's better.  It's much better to be getting up to low or no worries rather than getting up and having them revved up too.

Some mornings I still have the jitters; am still worried or worry-thinking.  And there is NO caffeine in the morning anymore as part of that, and some chewable natural remedy things that either help or placebo help (I don't care which) and so while it's still around... that difficult morning wakeup, it's not as bad as it was a while ago when it was happening every darn day, and ruining that day with worry.

It's hard work, this change stuff.  But important to note I do see improvement.  It's not every day anymore.  And it's not even really lasting all morning anymore either.  Perhaps there will be nervous/bad days but right now it's ok.

*gives self a hug*

HA!

Well, ok, not really, I didn't actually solve anything, but this weekend... Sunday morning to be precise, my radio went through the tunnel again!

I kept hitting snooze ( a) to get more sleep and b) to see how long it would go... I would have waited it out all morning for Science you guys!) and although I'm guessing a little at the time, it did eventually turn back to non-buzzy radio.  Probably half an hour to forty-five minutes worth of fuzz though.

I guess the tunnel slept in too?

If I knew my neighbours better, I'd do a co-ordinated discovery with them and see where it was they needed to be to make the interruption.  But, yeah... until then, I'll just deal with it when it happens.

So Mean

I feel horrible.

Like, I'm not a nice person.

The ants have been around in the few non rainy days we've had and, well, just like last year they don't really like the sticky traps (as in they maybe step onto them and then turn around and walk right off!) and so I've been.... kind of... forcing the issue.

And it seems like a completely horrible way to die and I feel so mean and cruel but I wanted there to be evidence for when the bug getting people come back but man oh man do I ever feel mean.

But, I suppose those are just the ones I see, and I am trying to keep them out of my food source and stuff like that.

But still...  mean.