Sigh

I just.... can't seem to get comfortable with the idea of going to Burning Man this year.  It sucks.

I tell myself that it's still two months away and things may be different by then.  Like... maybe I'll be less stressed or upset so it won't feel so overwhelming.  But right now, it's just too overwhelming to think about the drive again.

It REALLY doesn't help that my social media feed is full of burners and all things Burning Man so I'm hearing non stop about peoples plans and their questions and it's... a lot. 

It's a lot because my trip last year (the travelling portion I mean, more than anything else) had no fun at all.  It was all stress.  Not very manageable stress either.  And most of those worries will be there again if I go to do the drive myself.  Or even if I go with someone else.  Going with Connor was always safe and even if imperfect, I knew he'd done the drive before and knew... all the things.  And sure, I can tell myself that now *I* know all the things too, but I don't want to have to. 

I don't want to have to worry about gas and running out and not having enough and if I should take a jerry can or not and can I or can't I make it or fill it or .... I just don't want to.

And I don't want to have to worry about traffic.  On the highways and roads, on the entry and exit onto playa.  I don't want to stress about going too slow, or being nervous about whatever vehicle I'm driving, or.... anything.  None of it.  Not how long it's going to take me or why I'm not where I thought I'd be at that time of day or how aggressive and dangerous other drivers can be.  I don't want to go over the twisting passes or through the scary PNW roads, or the high, scary, Oregon ones, or the "use engine brakes" steep hills.  I just don't.  I don't want to drive that drive.

Jason's still trying to get things working so that he can come with me and rescue the van (and all my stuff) but when I even think about that, with him driving on the way down, I just freak out.  It's bad in my mind right now.  All of it. 

There's also a part of me thinking the whole "when a horse bucks you you get right back on that horse" kind of thing like... I don't want to turn this into a phobia where I can never do the drive again myself... I just am not sure I can do it right now when my stress and anxiety levels are already unmanageable a lot of the time.

I don't want to deal with the heat.  The physical discomfort. 

I don't want to give myself extra stress and anxiety.

But...  I want to be there.

I want to try being with a camp (I've paid dues and been accepted into one.)  But I also don't.  I want to connect with some people.  See some art.  Be there, in the beauty of the desert for a week.

But.... I don't want to travel there and back.

I really don't think I can handle it this year.  And that's somewhat disappointing. 

Except for the moments when it's not.

I also can't seem to quite let go.  Can't seem to say "not going."  Have mentioned to a few people that I'm not sure I can make it.  They all assure me I'll be there and it'll be great!  But I'm really not so sure about that. 

It's also not free.

I've already put the bulk of the biggest costs on VISA (let's not talk about it ok?) but there's still the travel costs.... gas, insurance, phone plan, food, shelter/sleeping on the way there and back, incidentals, ferry costs, and so on and so on.  It's... not cheap.  And that's assuming I get my gear back in good shape... 

I try to tell myself what's going to happen is going to happen but... I don't know what that is and I don't, yet, know how me being there and getting there this year would possibly happen.

I don't think I have it in me.

(Happy fourth of July to my 'Merican friends, by the way.)